Again, we had an outstanding year- albeit disappointingly, my bonus did not increase by double-digit percentages; but that’s part of my demanding role and its stringent KPIs. No other staff member has yet received a bonus in consecutive years; and clearly there are a limited quantum to award – if any.

It took a surprisingly long time for our financials to be examined– a combination of inexperienced assessors that I set straight, and the necessity to substantiate the complex corporate structure that minimises excessive taxation burdens. As a direct consequence, next financial year brings a different – and cheaper – set of official auditors.

Our assorted staff – under my rigorous and inspirational leadership have performed satisfactorily – the few failures have departed in ignominy.

Amongst our myriad new releases, I was immensely proud of our Italian blends NFI and NFT; the entire Arrogant Cane-toad range, our Molotov cocktail, the fortified Bin 666; and our new dry Sahara Rosé, which sits alongside our Brosé. Our orange-y wine Limbo has taken enormous market penetration, and deservedly driven competitors to the wall. Our debut Irish whiskey Follow your Dram already has legions of followers.

Delivering pleasure to customers is our prime objective, and both our socials and NPS provide thrilling metrics. Naturally, our existing sub- brands of beers, RTDs, mixers, spirits and wines go gangbangers, with our on-going conundrum of increasing volume without sacrificing quality. That’s merely one of my specialities – finding the right distressed assets at an acceptable margin that have a home in our array of beverages.

Our Essential cookbook for humans has been through several reprints, and has gathered numerous awards, and luminous recognition.  Our pop-up shops have been crowd-swarmed with plans for more permanent outlets in progress. The key obstacle is unimaginative bureaucrats’ myopia on providing the essential infrastructure funding to attract tourists and build the economy. We await the outcome of offers from various Government agencies in a bidding war before we commit, and we will not blink! What’s good for Stoney Goose Ridge is good for the nation!

Our formidable legal team has had a stellar year; apart from the damages we have garnisheed, their assistance in locating and exploiting tax differentials, and finessing proposed regulations has been admirable. I could not have achieved fulfilments employing my gamut of oratory and persuasive prowess without their fundamental inputs. And the train keeps a’rolling.

We are besieged by applications to join the team – whether as interns, specialists, and for the meagre vacancies we have. I have final veto on candidates, and how the selected talent can snuggle into our winning culture. We relentlessly upskill our crew through our in-house Academy, supplemented by enforced OTJ quality mentoring.

Consulting firms are eager to get their foot in the door forever, recycling their anodyne submissions for credulous corporate victims. Their strategy is to provide advice, then lever their parasites into the structure for a never-ending implementation phase, with zero knowledge transfer. Aye, there’s the rub! They underestimate the consummate skills at Stoney Goose Ridge and my unerring avoidance of their veiled phishing scams. They just waste their time!

I am in constant demand for symposiums, conferences, and media commentary on issues de jour. My personal team is adept at triage; and I only respond to the important, and urgent. Looking after commercial imperatives while nurturing subordinates is my instinct. AI has its place, but its immaturity is evident. No irrelevant shortcuts are taken at Stoney Goose Ridge.

Certainly, our competitors have delusions of adequacy; their Boards and executive ranks stuffed with interesting caricatures at excessive remuneration – only their collective amnesia and lack of a conscience prevents wholesale sackings and resignations. The combination of magisterial inertia and blatant “captain’s call” brand-trashing missteps are a marvel. You cannot make it up! We give thanks!

I blessedly continue to lead our mighty, growing organisation.

Your monumental prime mover, Hector Lannible.