Direct from CEO Hector Lannible “Recently Stoney Goose Ridge launched several epic, iconic releases sourced from Italy.

The 2020 Stoney Goose Ridge NFI went ballistic, selling like gang-buster hot cakes. Made from Nero d’avola, Freisa and Inzolia, this innovative non-DOC IGT is a fitting tribute to honourable Italianate society traditions. With my first foray into the assemblage of these varieties, the winemaking team was amazed by my incisive insights. They respectfully saluted “the Godfather.”

Its non-identical wine sibling – the 2020 Stoney Goose Ridge NFT (Nebbiolo, Frappato, Teroldego) was another complete triumph for my vinous blending mastery, which naturally translated into a barnstorming sales impact. Don is good! With my timely stimuli, our marketing turbo-charged the customer buzz into a torrential crescendo.

Due to market forces – and export incentivisation – both wines have very limited distribution inside the EU. The raging success of these two new wines presents a further management conundrum to source raw materials for the inevitable follow-ups in greater quantity.

Meanwhile, our CAGR improves, our omni-multiverse channel brand footprint resonates with our fanatical supporter base, activity-based rostering exerts downstream pressure on costs, and our group optimisation initiatives are applauded by analysts. Our JIT fulfilment logistics platform is world-class. I accept the numerous awards and deliver keynote addresses without being diverted from my brand growth mission.

I am astounded at the incompetent antics of our rivals, and their boundless capacity for wealth destruction. Their various initiatives need serious rebranding- I suggest Bottomless Pit, Fiasco, FUBAR, Never-never, White Elephant, and WOTAM. In fact, efficiency would dictate using these names at the start of their “strategic pillar-building customer focussed projects.” Truly, these deserve
“how not to” case studies not just at MBA level, but tertiary and secondary levels. Abysmal and appalling are the relevant tags.

Just recall the company that lusted after the success of Aperol. They created a suitable concoction, label, bottle, campaign and so on. Any misgivings about branding during development were crushed by their ruthless, clueless leaders. Chimperol had TV, press and billboard advertising showing the glamourous actors cheerfully saying “chim chim.” Assorted lawsuits and public opprobrium swiftly followed, with immediate disappearance of the product. But did any heads roll? Anyone fall on their sword? Lessons learned?

Participants in similar debacles were blind to the ticking timebombs that were water under the bridge, afterwards seeking the smoking gun of the karma bus that derailed and sank the projects. I wait for our competition to experience a cyber-attack, their negligible precautions exposed as they fixate efforts on PR bloatware to pump up their tyres.

Our tone-deaf competition seeks Stoney Goose Ridge’s secret success sauce, but their half-baked emulations rebound in an avalanche of epidemic proportions. Whitewash is their sole forte when rewarding their inept Boards and executives with unmerited fiscal largesse for their progress backwards.

The Stoney Goose Ridge range including beers, wines, spirits, mixers, and spritzers are all grist to our mill, delighting customers worldwide with their core quality and value attributes. Our customers spread the gospel of our staples, and are anxious to sample our new offerings. They are never disappointed, thanks to the hand-chosen talent that conveys my heroic inspirational leadership.

Very little surprises me; the greed, vanity and stupidity of our rivals; the bleating of vested interests, widespread nepotism, wasteful, bloated Government contracts, ineffective, pointless and innumerable conflicting laws, plus media attention on trivia.

One recent example is the agenda to stop the “misleading and deceptive” advertising and sale of plant-based “meats,” and almond and soy “milk.” What next – ban peanut butter? Are there any other urgent and important issues?

At Stoney Goose Ridge, challenges are confronted, and resolved. There is the ongoing quest for talent, battling oppressive taxation regimes and wowsers with “health” crusades, finessing bizarre ever-changing labelling requirements, and the numbing legal slowness preventing collection of the massive damages we anticipate winning through multitudinous cases across numerous jurisdictions. Add the usual attention around staff development, mentoring and performance reviews. Plus, the monster problem of sourcing high-grade material – at the right price – to meet ongoing demand throughout our beverage portfolio, while continuing the uber-innovative program of stunning new releases. We all put our shoulders to the grindstone.

Stoney Goose Ridge – under my sublime stewardship – drives to another record-breaking half-year, steamrolling the opposition, with bonanza bonuses for the deserving. Our unofficial theme song is “we are the champions!”

Your renowned CEO, Hector Lannible”