Stoney Goose Ridge EOFY report 2019-2020

Once again, it’s been a uniquely unprecedented year of challenge for Stoney Goose Ridge. Widespread local bushfires, associated smoke taint, drought and reduced yields had profound impacts. The undeniable journey of climate change continues its adverse ravages. Onerously, we are smothered by compliance to an infestation of intrusive legislation and opaque interpretations. I am determinately resolved to derail this insidious black hole of bureaucratic red tape.

We released the Miraculus Maximus Technoplex®, our authentic avant-garde antidote to exotic, funky “natural wines”. Our crowd-sourced JV the Black– was the biggest, burliest, bruisiest, brawniest, red wine conceivable, and attracted new relationship patronage within our insatiable orbit. Our heartland customer base continues their fanatical NPS loyalty excitement with purchase and consumption of the prolific existing and iconic Stoney Goose Ridge affiliated resonating lifestyle beverage produce.

We rolled out in synchronised lockstep to further macro export territories.

Our ancient bespoke whisky collectable Glen 20 – now sold out – was geared for launch, with phenomenal traction within its prioritised target market of oligarchs, Hollywood royalty, sporting megastars and affluent net-worth moguls.

We surpassed SEO, SEM and other critical BHAG stretch metrics through traditional, digital and social platforms. Our omni-channel influencers inspire acquisitions from next-gen millennial X, Y and Z cohorts. Our holistic grasp of customer wallet-share is unparalleled.

Stoney Goose Ridge garnered abundant prestigious awards for media penetration, POS mechanics, advertising tensility, campaign presence, brand narrative prominence, online e-commerce cyber portal website footprint stickiness, AI resonance integration, accounting disintermediation, hyper-aggressive tax transparency minimisation and goodwill intangible monetization. This glittering swag of accolades is acknowledged. Our data mining team pioneered isotopic interstitial matrix array fluidity analysis with associated granular augmented echelon parameter strata algorithm initiatives.

Revenue and profitability improved – a volatility shortfall in forecast on-premise transactions was camouflaged by ferocious direct sale statistics.  ARPU per SKU UOM uplifted, with P&L SGARA (EBITS) bottom-line fundamentals tracking to be characteristically colossal before the treadmill of the extraordinary roller-coaster COVID events.

Appropriate weighting applied to our mandatory corporate core ESG responsibilities. Stoney Goose Ridge championed active philanthropic engagement with community organisations – sporting, charitable, health-oriented, social and educational – via reciprocal FOC sponsorship contra tranches, and collaborative hybrid branding largesse. Carbon-neutrality sustainability syndrome was over-achieved, and objectives attained for inclusive pure diversity ecosystems. Our rainbow coalition of outsourced partners, contractors, consultants, associates, and agents met contracted KPIs. Our legal armada was obsessed with copious litigation; their reputation as bottom-feeding hyenas unprecedented in jurisprudential circularity.

I take fulsome credit for decimating interest rates charged, renegotiating leases, and squeezing suppliers to knife-edge implosion.

Our cadenced agenda of stellar cost-cutting continued; we ensure outgoings are minimised and deferred to the maximum extent tolerated. Discretionary expense claims were fully legitimised. Stock shrinkage is not accepted- our unwavering laser focus on operational solidarity attained 6-sigmoid altitudes. Ironclad hedged forex quarantine positions ensured hypothecated currency gyration irrelevancy.

It is imperative that all staff reflect on these results -supplemented by my contextual commentary – and formulate a SMART empirical action plan of direct, concrete, accretive activities to enrich Stoney Goose Ridge. These will be cascaded for dynamic implementation.

Acclaimed as an enlightened transformational enterprise, Stoney Goose Ridge is dedicated to the gospel lexicon of profitable growth deliverables. As a premiere transnational empire, we are deluged with CV submissions. Constantly talent-spotting, my mandate is to fill essential lacunae in our human resource repertoire. Successful candidates are immersed in our magnetic cultural fabric during their probation. And we nurture the latent Ninja potential of our extant workforce, encouraging personal development, bolstered by accredited in-house opportunities including the treasured benefit of access to my osmotic mentorship.

In my role as CEO, the “E” emphatically encompasses Evangelist, Explorer, Entrepreneur and Exceptional. Every humble employee is fully empowered to access my collaborative guidance, and fearless trailblazing ideation.

Competitors have tried to emulate the Stoney Goose Ridge juggernaut- predictably, their failures catapulted them into the limelight of derision, revealing the brittle miasma of their anaemic corporate house of cards; their reputations in epic freefall, eviscerated by the infallible barometric blowtorch of alienated public opinion.

I am astonished by our competitors’ systemic capacity for customer enragement.  They own a cavalier tolerance of toxic conflicts of interest, nepotism, and personality cults demanding sycophantic obeisance to their leadership teams. Their decision-making mimics monkeys at a dartboard attempting to replicate the output of Warren Buffett. We encourage whistle-blowers at these corrupt businesses to pursue exposure of their exorbitantly overpaid Boards and incompetent management.  I anticipate companies concerned will doubtless unleash broadsides to torpedo messengers into silence, but we stand behind informants with our seamless force-field of moral authority. Stoney Goose Ridge also plays its virtuoso mantra, illuminating appalling competitor behaviour to variegated industry, regulatory, and Government entities.

COVID was the black sheep dinosaur in the room. The tentacles of this bombshell had potential effects on our staff EQ health and welfare, but detrimental consequences were fully ameliorated and mitigated via a blitzkrieg of original protocol documentation and compulsory individual training.

My skilful contingency planning foresight enabled prompt exercise of alternative templates. We circumnavigated through the COVID seismic maze of chaotic headwinds. When our rivals belatedly woke, they again grasped they had been gazumped and leapfrogged by the leviathan powerhouse of Stoney Goose Ridge.  Our organic growth manifesto was not corralled, and my obfuscatory masstige premiumisation meta-strategy has been wholly validated.

There was residual upside in the silver clouds in the icing of the cake of the COVID lining. Rivals in cash-flow crisis offered brand, stock, land, and equipment. We have thus harvested unsolicited strategic infrastructure instruments in windfall firesale bloodbaths. This fine-tuned investment bonanza has not diminished our funding reserves. Further dead ducks are in our crosshairs – nimble business action stations as usual.

As well as horizon paradigm planning and talent augmentation, my stewardship is monopolised by eradicating supply impediments, and escalating production to balance the sales trajectory of our product cornucopia. With YOY double-digit growth, it is incumbent to finesse quality congruence within supply-chain vertices. Any relaxation in warp speed sales custom momentum eases distributional logistics. That’s the bedrock of our roadmap in a nutshell. At Stoney Goose Ridge, none of our optimised umbrella of technology assets have atrophied or been mothballed. Our inventory backlog is now at record low concentrations, except for our stunning tsunami of looming crafted brand launches intricately embedded in the pipeline.

My critical – and arduous- travel commitments have been jettisoned in the past few months. This meant more 24/7 time at the helm of the engine room hub at HQ control centre for networking advocacy with stakeholders, leveraging every sub-atomic particle of assistance, tax relief, alleviation, subsidy, abatements, waivers, grants, stimuli and sustenance from all layers of Government within Australia and offshore.  My additional accessibility has strengthened familial bonds, as well as crucial hands-on nano-oversight improving the predatory competence of my senior executives. They all unreservedly embraced my lavish, devoted attention.

The bandwidth of our post-modern portfolio basket is matchless. Designs are advanced for exotic metamorphosis in reduced alcohol, lower-carb, ciders, kombucha, spritzers, pre-mixed, wholesome flavour-enhanced, vitamin-enriched, plus alternative packaging materials, as well as our lifeblood steady-state vinous, spirituous and hop-based alcoholised potions. Our terroir-centric blending wizardry is critical to the success mission of Stoney Goose Ridge and rely on my authoritative nuanced organoleptic proficiency. But we only unleash projects when temporal viability is impeccably holistic.

My lean personal PAs, stylists, trainer, media support crew and so on deserve special accolades for their enduring attention to detail, actioning my incisive brainstormed insights with axiomatic alacrity. Mass media attention, plus analytical commentary throughout diverse global press, inspirational contributions at seminars, TED, radio, TV, podcasts, and sophisticated social media podia form part of my dizzy accountabilities – conducted flawlessly, with monumental impact.

Our frontline fabrication, distribution and support teams operated adequately, meeting baseline hurdle expectations. Personnel was further enhanced in median aptitude quality quanta by discarding underperforming headcount via regular appraisal triage. Selected interns, trainees, juniors and other staff deserved their downstream merit-based incentivisation recognition. My own particular fully-vested STI bonus package jackpot was justifiably luxuriant.

When the pendulum rotates and light returns to the sharp end of the tunnel, we will triumphantly commemorate our flotilla of achievements. In the meantime, momentarily raise an invigorating glass of one of the myriad Stoney Goose Ridge flagship beverages and celebrate! Buckle in, commit to my motivational prowess and recognise my future-proofed energised hyperdrive for sustained velocity. Team, the rest – if any- depends on the unstinting execution of your shoulders, heads, hands, and hearts.

Charismatically yours, Hector Lannible.

Stoney Goose Ridge releases a very ancient whisky!

Merely eighteen months ago, Stoney Goose Ridge rewarded customers with Two Fingers (gin) and the Old Wood Duck (vodka).  These now-well-established pre-eminent brands have deservedly obliterated the market share of many feeble competitors. Both products personify the relentless restless innovative drive embedded in our cultural DNA. Now, we aggressively initiate another triumphant brand extension foray into the finest luxury icon upper-echelon of malt whisky.

I, Hector Lannible, have long held a vision of producing a pinnacle whisky. It’s not just because of my distant forbears’ ancestral homeland; it’s also because I love the complex unadulterated gustatory organoleptic sensations of imbibing superlative whisky in temperate moderation. A welcome uptick to the Stoney Goose Ridge portfolio tsunami beckons as part of our nascent disruptive transformational adjacency agenda. Our singular ambition, alas, had to be deferred until anticipated astronomical arrangements arrived.

Stoney Goose Ridge is not another Jock come lately. We are in this business, long-term, to win accolades for ourselves. Market share, profits – and my eye-watering bonus – are inextricably inter-linked to customer satisfaction. When consumers purchase our marques, they triumph through taste, value and the envious admiration of onlookers.

Our launch efforts have barely been hampered by COVID. Unpaid interns were tasked with bringing my fervent, detailed creative strategies to fruition, propelled by my indispensable hyperactive mentorship. Signs are promising that conceivably one intern will distinguish themselves by potentially gaining eventual remunerated entry-level employment within the company. Time will tell.

Stoney Goose Ridge approached various vanguard Scottish Speyside and Highland whisky producers, with our specialised sourcing needs- an ultra-premium minimum 20-year-old whisky. Astute distillers welcomed this approach from the branding leviathan colossus of Stoney Goose Ridge. Cask samples were initially selected by the producers, then ruthlessly culled – by myself – in glittering sessions where I castigated the maltmasters (including their Lairds), and shamedly compelled them to provide superior examplars. They were entirely overawed and humbled by my expertise, and technically descriptive lyricism. Several companies were found disappointingly mediocre in the calibre of even their best offerings. Their cult reputation exceeds their quality and no parcels were selected.

Where we did make purchases, I am contractually obligated to conceal the names of the participating companies currently in production, but their identities are deservedly recognised amongst authentic cognoscenti.

Stoney Goose Ridge is justifiably notorious for its exhaustive diligence and archival exploration. We also hunted down extinct businesses – including those taken over or on-sold- to ascertain if ancient auld whisky spirit material had been bequeathed or squirrelled away to avoid the depredations of customs snoopers. This arduous mission required us to locate clannish families of retired or deceased employees, explore derelict properties and research property transfers, taxation records and so on ad infinitum. Where essential, facilitation disbursements were undertaken. In forensic archaeological fashion, we uncovered dusty barrels under staircases, in forgotten or abandoned storerooms, sheds, stables, crofts, outbuildings, pantries and other neglected areas.

To distil this thrilling narrative backstory, we incorporated material from defunct companies including Glenhaggis, Glenweebairn, Glensporran, Glenferrie, Glenshandy, Glenlochkirk, Glenmashie, GlenGreyfriars, Glenlassie, Glenbampot, Glenspurtle and Glendinnaken. We ensured that records met the exacting standards required for certified authentication evidentiary verificational substantiation audit compliance.

It was merely as matter of my formidably proficient extra-ordinary deal-making expertise. I’m renowned for leaving nothing on the table, not even the veneer (or Laminex) – the Svengali of mesmerisation. Truly win-win for Stoney Goose Ridge. When this negotiational process was over, the overall final optimised blend predictively proved sensationally stunning. In all, there are components from twenty companies, with every whisky element at least twenty years old. And my synergistic blending expertise ensured that the resultant master-blend was certainly, definitely, superior to any of its superb individual constituent portions.

The final result represents merely the tip of the iceberg, with magnitudes of hard labour hidden under the hood – or kilt?

Proudly, Stoney Goose Ridge generously releases Glen 20.

Truly, a worthy unrepeatable homage to Scots terroir, it’s bracingly fresh, strong, clean and distinctively aromatic. It really awakens memories with its air of “je ne sais quoi”. It comes complete with exceptionally lavish packaging, bristling with features including a stylish integrated resealable cascading dispensary apparatus.

Glen 20 typifies our corporate ingenuity, nimble agility plus exemplifies our systematic legal and contractual strangulation practices. The sticky footprint of Stoney Goose Ridge clientele will be literally magnetised by this limited-edition offer.

We are aware of another product loosely with a vaguely similar sounding nomenclature. There is no confusion. Our armada of legal para-practitioners are ecstatic to hurl down the gauntlet and exercise their limitless energy to inflict maximal embarrassment and financial penalties in myriad jurisdictions. Bring it on – we shall overcome!

With an Australian RRP of $666 for Glen 20, demand will certainly outstrip the minuscule limited supply available. Nevertheless, it’s been a worthwhile exercise in exhausting the stamina and creativity of my underlings. Add my canny negotiations, plus creative value-add talents exercised to craft the blend, the package, label, POS, and finesse the distribution, and voila, och aye hoots mon. A bonnie outcome! It’s another feather in the mighty cod-piece of Stoney Goose Ridge!

Glen 20 will be available exclusively for a limited time only from the finest worldwide beverage merchants from 1 July.