It’s been another blazingly successful year for Stoney Goose Ridge. All key metrics are wonderful – sales growth, profitability, customer satisfaction, brand recognition and so on.  Recent new lines – the trailblazing umbrella brand “Caveat Emptor” has wowed across the on-premise markets in beer and wine categories. Our latest tequila “make out like a bandit” has captured hearts too, along with the FOMO range, and our latest our whole-bunch red wine ClusterFluke.

Stoney Goose Ridge does not engage in predictable EOFY firesales of lost cause inventory; our products stand unparalleled for value at their varied price-point positioning paradigms. We continue to be alert to purchase quality distressed assets; when the heat is on, our competitors predictably fold like nine-pins.

BAU continues – recruitment and nurturing of next-gen talent, dealing with nature’s unexpected vindictiveness impacting sourcing of materials to keep up with product demand; the translation of my ceaseless inspirational flow of profitable ideas into reality; the incessant demands from media for my commentary, OS conferences, and the astoundingly inevitable improvements my blending prowess makes to trial products, plus my extraordinary marketing talents.

Clearly, results could not have been achieved without my dynamic and insightful leadership, providing inspiration and motivation to all our staff. Across the board from sales, finance, legals, even the lowly beverage fabricators -we have met our BHAG. My own bonus was appropriately substantive, and several team members reached the hurdle for partial financial incentive recognition.

In short, our position is enviable, with our drumbeat of innovation through the metaverse, and our spatial computing AI mining producing a whirlwind of insights.

One if my direct reports – a stubborn mule, a bad person, stupid, terrible, a numskull and an idiot- has also been removed from the Executive ranks. These are his own words to describe himself, and his appalling behavioural episodes. It is indeed fortunate that my oversight prevented any lasting effects on staff or financials for the regrettable incidents. The usual legal penalties including retrieval of salary, bonuses etc plus public excoriation is underway, including likely custodial consequences.

I have previously advised that my recent activities in Hollywood are complete, and ongoing residual involvement does not distract me from the Stoney Goose Ridge mission. Sales of my books have been a publishing phenomenon too – internationally. I have plenty of skins in the game. Both executives that shared my responsibilities while I was absent both performed adequately and demonstrated their need for improvement. Their shortcomings were obvious to me even at a distance. They have been counselled, and my mentoring will be even more ruthlessly vigorous.

It is humbling and with deep regret that a recent audit has found significant staff underpayments going back several years. The root causes have been identified and remediated, and I am completely satisfied that no issues are ongoing. While there has been some effect on the company financials, this is a one-off and has been handled in strict accordance with accounting standards. It is critical that our staff remuneration accords to contracts, which is why stringent attention has been merited by this regrettable occurrence. It undermines key trust in the employer, and is a grievous breach of integrity.  Accordingly, the culprits responsible have been redeployed to the wider marketplace, and any references provided will be brutally straightforward. And importantly, my base and bonuses have been recalculated upwards and I have received commensurate recompense.

Your admired field marshal, and customer experience optimiser (CEO), Hector Lannible

It’s not just my stellar business (and academic) career that I’m admired for – a recent facet has been my successful foray into publishing and the film industry. Stoney Goose Ridge only forms a very, very  minor part of this story.

When invited to the 20^th reunion of my executive MBA at Harvard, I tasked one of my PAs to search my archives for sketches and impressions of my classmates. These were located along with “I also found material from your creative writing class”. With my usual enthusiasm, diligence and creativity I had written a long submission when asked for a short story. Unsurprisingly, I had won yet another prize but had forgotten the details. The examiner’s comments were “Outstanding. The best student work I have ever seen. With a short polish, this is easily publishable as a novel, with potential for a movie. A stylish thriller with vivid locales, memorable and witty characters driven by a cracking plot. Beautifully crafted”.

I had been busy with my MBA, my work as a partner at a consulting firm, plus had recently just become engaged to Domenika. And I neglected my book. Nearly twenty years on, I spent a few days making thousands of edits; tightening, and resequencing chapters, removing refences to superseded technology, and outdated idioms, fixing acronyms of organisations that had undergone name changes, and adding some small characters. My original novel had anticipated the “outback noir” gritty hard-boiled crime thriller revival so I had the choice of retaining the local colour or internationalizing the key plot trajectory. True to form, I had it both ways, ending with two books dissimilar in tone, characters, locale, plot basics, twists, and style. No AI, as spreadsheets and databases are wonderful!

My Harvard lecturer had become a formidable popular writer. When I got in touch, she remembered both myself and my work, and recommended an Australian literary agent. The same agent was suggested by my Speakers’ Bureau. A short conversation, a few tweaks to the standard contract, and I was represented.

Two days later, my agent was gushing with enthusiasm at my novels’ potential. The agent had forwarded my synopsis and first chapter to the usual suspects and queried if I had a sequel planned. (thanks to my writing framework, this was well in hand). Publishers rapidly returned with bids, undeterred by my insistence on a nom de plume, or my warning that their standard contracts would not be accepted. Australian, UK, USA publishers, Europe (France, Spain and Sweden seemed particularly keen), narrators of the audio book, film rights translators, page to screen agents, digital rights, graphic adaptations, and many more formed parts of my positioning. All I had to do was create a pseudonym.

Some words of my novels were altered to be more familiar to their national audience (sample American extract below).

“I took my sidearm from the crawlspace at my crib, then went to the parking garage. I got the bankroll from the trunk of my automobile and gunned the Chevvy downtown. The jai alai arena was kitty-corner to City Hall. Whittaker was waiting in the bar, with snacks surrounding his cocktail.

“There ain’t enough mayo and ketchup to match the brewskis, but it goes OK with soda-pop. I’ll get the busboy to run to the drugstore for some candy and cookies.”

“Where’s our informant?” I asked.

“He’s in the can, in back of you,” said Whittaker. “I’m copacetic.”

The barkeep had been sampling his merchandise and looked as sharp as a potato. Outside, the mean streets were as dark as the inside of my Stetson.”

The publishing world is full of piranhas. Standard contracts fillet the author through a thousand cuts – but my negotiating prowess embedded some interesting clauses: painless – at first glance – to prospective publishers, but with clever side-effects.  The size, timing, and currency of my six-figure advances were cunningly specified.

And Hollywood (Universal, Disney, Paramount and more) was interested. It’s a curious business where only unicorn films ever make a profit, thanks to imaginative accounting. It’s model of how to distribute money with little to show for the result. Publishing is predatory, but Hollywood is the apex predator, apart from crypto!

But studios became more interested when my novels quickly became runaway best-sellers in various countries. The novels even attracted favourable reviews from high-brow literary snobs, who habitually ignore or deride “airport” books. My literary pseudonym was never linked to Hector Lannible, and I was not required to resort to plausible deniability. My interest in the screen adaptation was reported as a dilettante’s obsessive over-reach.

Thus, I took my virgin sabbatical from Stoney Goose Ridge to battle Hollywood. First came layers of minders, personal assistants and secretaries (usually family members or ephemeral romantic attachments) whose task was to prevent anyone reaching the rare creatures with decision-making powers. But my deep personal links to A-list stars, producers, directors, etc through the Stoney Goose Ridge range of DRC wines made all the difference. Access achieved! This gave the green light to explore details.

The next level of minions presented different issues, apart from their minuscule attention spans. There was a whole new set of industry jargon to navigate, spoken either rapid-fire or at a glacial pace by people currently affected by recreational pharmaceuticals or in search of their next high. Their dialogue also rambled through non-sequiturs, detours into bizarre personal paranoia, self-aggrandizement, and denigration of their underlings. Plus, endless gossip and obsessive commentary about the recent “wildfires.”   Nevertheless, I corralled enough of these folk to draw conclusions.

With film production, conflicts of interest are assured but never mentioned. All props, equipment, office space, locations, lighting, cameras, sound recording and so on are leased (at inflated rates, through related organisations), when cheaper to buy outright, with assured proceeds from their later sale. Then came an armada of varmints attempting to take a percentage (points) for arbitrage, facilitation payments, introductory consultancy fees, success fees, ambassadorial allowances, contingency fees, finders fees, wrap bonuses, underwriting fees, territorial subsidies, relocation assistance support, facility hire, brokerage, commissions, refreshers and so on. Packages included assorted production companies obsessed about the size and placement of their logos. Special effects, dialog coaches, and music rights entities seemed to be on speed-dial, even when superfluous. One historic example of extravagant waste was how a dog was hired at $1000 per day, plus owner, plus trainer, plus vet, plus groomer, for four months  – for three seconds of screen time in the distant background. Similar infamous instances are legion.

The studio ”brains trust” alleged the film had a preliminary budget estimate of $60 million and wished to engage some local hack to draft a shooting script, followed by firmer budget estimates. They were gobsmacked when I distributed storyboards and detailed estimates for a $30m film, all from credible people within the industry. I made a hefty profit for on-selling these well- prepared artefacts.

And Hollywood has sufficient artistic talent to draw imitations of stick figures (not to scale). The director initially proposed was noted for his work on music videos and a few undistinguished TV sitcom episodes. Intrusive product placement was expected. Packaged with other scripts, under development etc, residuals, nets.

This “creative industry” was not familiar with Hector Lannible. Let’s just say that matters went entirely in my favour as break fees would have derailed careers and sent companies into restructuring.

The studio offered finance at 19% interest. I stated that my sources presented 7%, and if needed I could underwrite the entire movie. That’s my way to make progress, and I how became an executive producer (EP in the trade vernacular). My near-veto rights over shooting script, actors and final cut- a result of the clauses that I had insinuated into the assorted contracts- made my input essential.

I held a lockup meeting that went through every budget line item, (no mobile phones permitted). No-one was allowed to leave until we were finished. It took 14 hours, with no debate after decisions, thanks to scrupulous records. Curiously, I was also offered a lucrative long-term trouble-shooting role by the studio, but I was not interested in the tedium, tantrums and terminal sycophancy of the fillum industry.

I had allowed one month for my pilgrimage to Trumptopia or Trumphades, but my whirlwind energy and negotiating prowess mean all was over in merely two weeks. My stay in the alternative reality of Hollywood is thankfully concluded, and I can return to the sensible beverage world of Stoney Goose Ridge. I can’t help but laugh at how perfect I am! C’est la vie.

Release of the movie is absolutely on target for late 2026, and the sequel novels will hit outlets around late 2025.

Now that 2024 is over, nearly all staff are on their compulsory restorative break – before resuming with renewed rigor, commitment, perseverance, resilience, and passion (my strengths). We reflect on the people that have left the embrace of Stoney Goose Ridge, having failed to meet their KPIs. It’s my way, or out the window. We are alert to any attempts to deviate from their non-compete periods and/or NDAs. I also welcome the new hires to our lean headcount. Their CVs will now be more impressive, thanks to the rigorous development and mentoring provided OTJ. Reviewing the piles of discarded multi-media EOIs provided plenty of entertainment and befuddlement before most went straight into the virtual wastebasket. Hint – be concise, and check grammar and spelling- UGH!

Despite double digit sales growth, and even better profitability, my restless nature views 2024 as a year of consolidation of our core capabilities. All our brands performed across wines, beers, spirits, RTD mixers and so on, from budget to ultra-luxe. Indeed, several performed so well, that sourcing additional materials will require exceptional diligence, creativity and cunning. Our global footprint expanded, with innovative cross-border blending, and sales now in thirty countries. Our social metrics, CSAT and NPS are phenomenal and envied. But there is much more to come in my timeframe horizon.

Another outstanding wine success for Stoney Goose Ridge was the launch of the Pub Test™ range (PT white aromatic, PT white full-flavoured, PT rosé. PT mellow red, and PT robust red). Yet another of my winning ideas, it solves the conundrum by providing quality and exceptional VFM at a pub. If any pub doesn’t stock the range, their premises should be avoided as they have failed the test. And of course, bonus QR codes on the bottles provide access to hundreds of sets of trivia questions! Truly, the Pub Test™ brand is an optimised high-margin generator that secures further bottom-line profit and value growth creation.

Other triumphs include our low-tech orangesque wine Limbo, and the Essential Cookbook for Humans, which has garnered literary and culinary acclaim, plus massive sales.

Once more, our legal team has tirelessly prosecuted breaches of our ironclad contracts, trademark infringements, garnering bountiful punitive damages and fulsome grovelling apologies. Allied to their valiant structural efforts to minimise taxation, my incisive negotiating prowess has ensured numerous outrageous bargains accumulating our proactive synergies and led to many favourable legislative tweaks and judicial interpretations across varied jurisdictions.

The virtual trophy cabinet has been extended to cater for the deluge of awards for marketing, packaging, innovation etc, but of course of legions of fanatical Stoney Goose Ridge customers are our true glory.

My personal staff have supported me heroically, responding to my calls, emails and so on even while I have been on essential conferences in Rio de Janeiro, Geneva, Singapore, Port Douglas etc plus while holidaying with my family at Hakuba and Telluride, with short stays at Broome, Hobart and Dunedin.

Impressively, several team members achieved a bonus, and while the quantum was not as fulsome as mine, they deserve recognition.

With my intuitive customer insights and stewardship, I have rescued neglected brands from competitors and realised scale, diversification, and operational leverage. Renowned for our resonating value proposition, unique offers personalise customer experience in the omni-channel environment, seamlessly folding new generations into our compelling e-commerce ecosystem.

Our assets have increased massively with certified revaluations of our IP and brand valuation metrics.

I am a proud HIPPO (Highest Paid Persons’ Opinion) with my incredible extreme hardcore creative abrasion challenging my minions. I have no time for the WOLF (Working On the Latest Fire) and their ignorance of strategy, nor the ZEBRA (Zero Evidence But Really Arrogant). Our data-mining team has been laser-focused to extract material that supports my multitudinous initiatives.

The Stoney Goose Ridge wine fashionistas have managed to avoid frosts, fires, and other agricultural tribulations, and as ever, our network is adept at sourcing distressed assets with myself as the final sensory and financial arbiter.

Another of my ongoing issues is talent development. I will be taking a one-month sabbatical in 2025 for a personal entrepreneurial project, and the aptitude of my hand- picked executive team is not yet up to the task of “minding the store”. But there is time, and I have options up my sleeve to manage the temporary transition. I’m sure the selected person or team will perform adequately in my absence, and there always the Batphone hotline. I expect copious tidying when I return. Plus, all critical decisions will be deferred.

I can characterise our rivals’ long-winded, asinine and self-congratulatory announcements as untrue in parts, evasive, disingenuous, and entirely unsatisfactory. Then there are their egregious greenwashing eco-ceptions. It’s no wonder customers vote with their wallets, migrate – and stay with the better quality, better value, better sensory offerings from Stoney Goose Ridge! There are people in commerce that I know and respect, but thankfully we run in different lanes, and types of business.

Plenty of our accomplishments are due to the derisive inadequacy of our competitors, their masterly inactivity and willingness to embrace the strategy of “cross our fingers,” all while waiting to be stabbed in the back after their next foot-in-mouth episode. Throw in aimless rebrandings, desperate “campaigns”, fixation with outside consultants, massive stock writedowns and a culture of indolence. What a blessed luxury to be a vital part of an industry riddled with such extraordinary incompetence! We forensically analyse their accounts, always alert to related-party transactions, “Director loans”, dubious and gratuitous sponsorships and we are adept at highlighting and publicising contemptable personal moral lapses of executives. And there are so many!

After such a year of positive momentum, all staff can look forward to thrills, triumphs, and creative tension.

Your magisterial, acclaimed innovator – Hector A Lannible

Stoney Goose Ridge EOY round-up 2022-23
Another year is over, with another well-deserved bonus for me. In fact, several employees also received small remuneration supplements after my distribution dwindled the incentive pool. I welcome several recent hires who bring outstanding investment management pedigrees, client orientation and result perspectives. This will supplement the vision of my own hardcore lens across the mercantile business entities.

Apart from the contributions of remaining staff, I particularly thank my supporting team – personal trainer, stylist, PA’s, chauffeur and biographer. Stoney Goose Ridge could not have completed its most successful year ever without their capacity to broadcast my inspirations and motivations down and across the organisation.

Our liquidity covenant headroom holds us in good stead. This enabled us to gather distressed assets (and alternative assets) of our suppliers and competitors. When opportunity knocks – however faintly – I swoop to conquer.

Meanwhile recent wine vintages have been difficult.  But the tide has gone out and we can see the finish line downstream. As ever, our competitors are awash in financial morasses, ethical scandals and gropethink. But their ongoing incompetence is astonishing. Whenever a new executive embarks on a myopic “listening tour”, I am amazed at this cavalier waste of time and money (WOTAM), bleeding their budgets while merely pumping the spurious hubristic tyres of their egos, while they seek glittering baubles of adoration. Caught in a web of their vacuous hyperbole, sponsoring their fancied hobby-horses so they can “network” in corporate boxes and mingle with A-Z grade rent-a-celebrities. Conflict of interest is an unknown concept, as they swim in related-party interest-free loans and outrageous share incentives. Stoney Goose Ridge is comprehensively vigorously vigilant in highlighting these numerous disgraceful shortcomings to media, courts, and Governments – any inaction concerning their overt transgressions is clearly due to nepotism and corruption.

While it’s difficult to make predictions – especially about the future – the inane blathering and forecasts about industry trends by the so-called leadership teams of my so-called peers truly makes astrology seem respectable. Their SNAFU strategies seem to consist of convoluted 360-degree U-turns, supported by inane puff-pieces propagated by “journalists” swilling in the trough of junkets on the gravy train.

Meanwhile at Stoney Goose Ridge, cashflow, customers and margins remain king! My team is wheeling and dealing 24/7, augmented by my magisterial managerial and marketing mentorship.

Our innovative legal section continues to thrash its way gathering punitive exemplary damages and colossal compensation, with selective use of no win-no fee, its caseload bulging with success. Add their sterling work on exploiting tax minimisation loopholes and extracting grants, subsidies etc and they fully deserve their incentivised remuneration packages.

Our rolling recruitment program (Project Android) continues to progress filling inevitable vacancies due to wastage, attrition and footprint expansion in our high-talent pool. We are ready to head-hunt in all glamour areas – taxation minimisation, legals, accounting and financial analysis, data mining, sales motivation, social media freneticism – even mundane beverage fabrication and nurturement. Project Medusa has had significant impacts in successfully tarnishing the image of “celebrity brands”, exposing their shameful peccadilloes, legal battles and infamous photos, videos, tweets and cover-ups. Project Klingon continues to bear fruit, seeding new markets in preparation for Stoney Goose Ridge by establishing beachheads in hostile markets. We take no prisoners, and fully enjoy routing the opposing forces and smashing the fragile force-fields shielding their mediocre, subsidized, overpriced alcoholic confections.

I refuse to allow regulatory straightjackets or ludicrous “sin” taxes to stifle our trajectory momentum. I am busy with full-frontal head-high evidence-based persuasive tackles on impediments, forensically renowned for woking up bureaucrats and legislators for the benefit of their stakeholders – which incidentally includes Stoney Goose Ridge.

New releases
We continue to extend our fully trademarked DRC (Decisive Real Champions) range. This is – yet another – of my passion projects, my inspirations assisted by a team of researchers (interns, work experience, trainees, juniors, etc), using atypical standard beverage industry data-mining tools of property and tax records, electoral rolls, local landmarks, genealogy and so on. In short, years of collaborative toil following the discovery process, all purposed to vindicate the evident connection to the wines’ inherent nomenclature.

These are very serious wines not akin to the well-known Randall Grahm’s Bonny Doon whimsies (Cardinal Zin, Big House Red, Old Telegram, Le Cigare Volant, Il Fiasco, Clos de Gilroy etc etc) and absolutely not droll copycats like Fairview’s Goats do Roam and Goat Rotie.

We have stringent lease/buyback/profit-sharing arrangements for new plantings and winemaking allied with my profound involvement in the assessment and triage. The following wines will be progressively released over the coming twelve months when I deem marketing conditions are apposite.

• Clos de la Rocks
• Clos de Lampreys
• Clos de Tar
• Clos du Marky
• Chateau Cannon
• Chateau Fig-axed
• Chateau Hugh Bryan
• Chateau la lagoon
• Chateau Left feet
• Chateau Leo’s Villa las Casa
• Chateau Mountain rockslide
• Chateau Oz-owned
• Domaine D Jack
• Maison Lee Royal
• Paul Rodger (only col fondo at this stage)
• Quinta do Novel
• Coast gorse
• Seeming Legal
• Vega sans Silica
• Blass Phillip
• Hill of grass
• Mount Marty

What a sublime collection! Labels have been embossed with respectful and entirely legal homage to what might have accidentally inspired them, by the celebrated artiste Binksy. Sublime quality is certain. Mega award-winning presentation, individually numbered, with a personally hand-signed certificate of authenticity. In some examples there are only three barrels; at best only ten barrels, with the wines truly expressing their natural micro and macro sub-terroir characters, under fully sustainable biogeneric principles.

These DRC wines are all made in minuscule quantities and destined for our extreme high-rolling net worth whale collectors – financiers, oligarchs and so forth; members of our exclusive 88 club.

Branding and diversity update
Adventure afar (AA), celebrates our retargeted strategic global premiumisation thematic, with omnichannel touchpoints including packaging, POS, OOH, digital, experiential, social and events across key live markets. Media partners and our global customer audience adore this refreshed conceptual vitality framework plus its adjacency synergies defined across the metaverse.

Stoney Goose Ridge is exclusively disruptive and inclusive, expanding our respected x-culture generational power brand, transcending beverage categories, catering for the rising value category of the Luxuriant culture pioneer. The halo of our premium luxury icons brandlines transcendently cascades through other fully balanced price-point ecosystem categories.

Our social media impact is gargantuan, almost as stunningly impressive as our carbon-neutral green offset aspirational framework principles.

I am proud of our diversity; it’s not a matter of numbers and categories- we have a startling range across full-time, part-time and casual employees, and (where permitted) commission-only – with wide-spread age-ranges.  We have direct employees, contractors, agents and consultants. We have a range of academic qualifications, varying from rudimentary to those bursting with multiple tertiary degrees (such as myself). Salaries, wages, entitlements and bonuses are extremely disparate. Personnel are based in a (growing) number of countries, with varied ethnic, demographic, linguistic and supplementary characteristics. We respect that staff have private, personal lives that we support to the extent that they never interfere with their agreed committed contractual KPI obligations.

We only lack diversity in talent. We recruit with mutually understood expectations that all levels entirely execute their deliverables. This requires attitude and unrelenting application. Staff are fully supported through our appropriately infamous up-skilling in-house development programs. Further, all personnel know they have access to my Holmesian problem-solving skills, experiential omnipotence, communication excellence and unfailing intuition.

Conclusion
My favourite question? How quickly can you increase my allocation of Stoney Goose Ridge?

Your revered hyper-aggressive leader, Hector Lannible