Hector Lannible

Hector’s Stoney Goose Ridge annual report

~ Richard ~ Leave a comment

Stoney Goose Ridge EOY round-up 2022-23
Another year is over, with another well-deserved bonus for me. In fact, several employees also received small remuneration supplements after my distribution dwindled the incentive pool. I welcome several recent hires who bring outstanding investment management pedigrees, client orientation and result perspectives. This will supplement the vision of my own hardcore lens across the mercantile business entities.

Apart from the contributions of remaining staff, I particularly thank my supporting team – personal trainer, stylist, PA’s, chauffeur and biographer. Stoney Goose Ridge could not have completed its most successful year ever without their capacity to broadcast my inspirations and motivations down and across the organisation.

Our liquidity covenant headroom holds us in good stead. This enabled us to gather distressed assets (and alternative assets) of our suppliers and competitors. When opportunity knocks – however faintly – I swoop to conquer.

Meanwhile recent wine vintages have been difficult.  But the tide has gone out and we can see the finish line downstream. As ever, our competitors are awash in financial morasses, ethical scandals and gropethink. But their ongoing incompetence is astonishing. Whenever a new executive embarks on a myopic “listening tour”, I am amazed at this cavalier waste of time and money (WOTAM), bleeding their budgets while merely pumping the spurious hubristic tyres of their egos, while they seek glittering baubles of adoration. Caught in a web of their vacuous hyperbole, sponsoring their fancied hobby-horses so they can “network” in corporate boxes and mingle with A-Z grade rent-a-celebrities. Conflict of interest is an unknown concept, as they swim in related-party interest-free loans and outrageous share incentives. Stoney Goose Ridge is comprehensively vigorously vigilant in highlighting these numerous disgraceful shortcomings to media, courts, and Governments – any inaction concerning their overt transgressions is clearly due to nepotism and corruption.

While it’s difficult to make predictions – especially about the future – the inane blathering and forecasts about industry trends by the so-called leadership teams of my so-called peers truly makes astrology seem respectable. Their SNAFU strategies seem to consist of convoluted 360-degree U-turns, supported by inane puff-pieces propagated by “journalists” swilling in the trough of junkets on the gravy train.

Meanwhile at Stoney Goose Ridge, cashflow, customers and margins remain king! My team is wheeling and dealing 24/7, augmented by my magisterial managerial and marketing mentorship.

Our innovative legal section continues to thrash its way gathering punitive exemplary damages and colossal compensation, with selective use of no win-no fee, its caseload bulging with success. Add their sterling work on exploiting tax minimisation loopholes and extracting grants, subsidies etc and they fully deserve their incentivised remuneration packages.

Our rolling recruitment program (Project Android) continues to progress filling inevitable vacancies due to wastage, attrition and footprint expansion in our high-talent pool. We are ready to head-hunt in all glamour areas – taxation minimisation, legals, accounting and financial analysis, data mining, sales motivation, social media freneticism – even mundane beverage fabrication and nurturement. Project Medusa has had significant impacts in successfully tarnishing the image of “celebrity brands”, exposing their shameful peccadilloes, legal battles and infamous photos, videos, tweets and cover-ups. Project Klingon continues to bear fruit, seeding new markets in preparation for Stoney Goose Ridge by establishing beachheads in hostile markets. We take no prisoners, and fully enjoy routing the opposing forces and smashing the fragile force-fields shielding their mediocre, subsidized, overpriced alcoholic confections.

I refuse to allow regulatory straightjackets or ludicrous “sin” taxes to stifle our trajectory momentum. I am busy with full-frontal head-high evidence-based persuasive tackles on impediments, forensically renowned for woking up bureaucrats and legislators for the benefit of their stakeholders – which incidentally includes Stoney Goose Ridge.

New releases
We continue to extend our fully trademarked DRC (Decisive Real Champions) range. This is – yet another – of my passion projects, my inspirations assisted by a team of researchers (interns, work experience, trainees, juniors, etc), using atypical standard beverage industry data-mining tools of property and tax records, electoral rolls, local landmarks, genealogy and so on. In short, years of collaborative toil following the discovery process, all purposed to vindicate the evident connection to the wines’ inherent nomenclature.

These are very serious wines not akin to the well-known Randall Grahm’s Bonny Doon whimsies (Cardinal Zin, Big House Red, Old Telegram, Le Cigare Volant, Il Fiasco, Clos de Gilroy etc etc) and absolutely not droll copycats like Fairview’s Goats do Roam and Goat Rotie.

We have stringent lease/buyback/profit-sharing arrangements for new plantings and winemaking allied with my profound involvement in the assessment and triage. The following wines will be progressively released over the coming twelve months when I deem marketing conditions are apposite.

  • Clos de la Rocks
  • Clos de Lampreys
  • Clos de Tar
  • Clos du Marky
  • Chateau Cannon
  • Chateau Fig-axed
  • Chateau Hugh Bryan
  • Chateau la lagoon
  • Chateau Left feet
  • Chateau Leo’s Villa las Casa
  • Chateau Mountain rockslide
  • Chateau Oz-owned
  • Domaine D Jack
  • Maison Lee Royal
  • Paul Rodger (only col fondo at this stage)
  • Quinta do Novel
  • Coast gorse
  • Seeming Legal
  • Vega sans Silica
  • Blass Phillip
  • Hill of grass
  • Mount Marty

What a sublime collection! Labels have been embossed with respectful and entirely legal homage to what might have accidentally inspired them, by the celebrated artiste Binksy. Sublime quality is certain. Mega award-winning presentation, individually numbered, with a personally hand-signed certificate of authenticity. In some examples there are only three barrels; at best only ten barrels, with the wines truly expressing their natural micro and macro sub-terroir characters, under fully sustainable biogeneric principles.

These DRC wines are all made in minuscule quantities and destined for our extreme high-rolling net worth whale collectors – financiers, oligarchs and so forth; members of our exclusive 88 club.

Branding and diversity update
Adventure afar (AA), celebrates our retargeted strategic global premiumisation thematic, with omnichannel touchpoints including packaging, POS, OOH, digital, experiential, social and events across key live markets. Media partners and our global customer audience adore this refreshed conceptual vitality framework plus its adjacency synergies defined across the metaverse.

Stoney Goose Ridge is exclusively disruptive and inclusive, expanding our respected x-culture generational power brand, transcending beverage categories, catering for the rising value category of the Luxuriant culture pioneer. The halo of our premium luxury icons brandlines transcendently cascades through other fully balanced price-point ecosystem categories.

Our social media impact is gargantuan, almost as stunningly impressive as our carbon-neutral green offset aspirational framework principles.

I am proud of our diversity; it’s not a matter of numbers and categories- we have a startling range across full-time, part-time and casual employees, and (where permitted) commission-only – with wide-spread age-ranges.  We have direct employees, contractors, agents and consultants. We have a range of academic qualifications, varying from rudimentary to those bursting with multiple tertiary degrees (such as myself). Salaries, wages, entitlements and bonuses are extremely disparate. Personnel are based in a (growing) number of countries, with varied ethnic, demographic, linguistic and supplementary characteristics. We respect that staff have private, personal lives that we support to the extent that they never interfere with their agreed committed contractual KPI obligations.

We only lack diversity in talent. We recruit with mutually understood expectations that all levels entirely execute their deliverables. This requires attitude and unrelenting application. Staff are fully supported through our appropriately infamous up-skilling in-house development programs. Further, all personnel know they have access to my Holmesian problem-solving skills, experiential omnipotence, communication excellence and unfailing intuition.

Conclusion
My favourite question? How quickly can you increase my allocation of Stoney Goose Ridge?

Your revered hyper-aggressive leader, Hector Lannible

New releases from Stoney Goose Ridge

~ Richard ~ Leave a comment

Stoney Goose Ridge is thrilled to announce new releases, which were quietly gestating on the backburner. Now, even more marquee products will light up the runway, and satisfy our want-it-now, get-it-now (WINGIN) customers.

First, an extension to our existing range of luminous premixed cocktails -this one is based on a blend of vodka and tequila with a tinge of red from cherry, tomato and raspberry;  a revolutionary radical creation, with a fiery kick – the Molotov. In a handy re-usable container.

Also one new wine with a fascinating story – it’s one that an employee tried to keep secret during its genesis, until inevitably I discovered it. My spreadsheet prowess found some almost imperceptible anomalies, and a snap on-site audit led to the immediate dismissal of the culprit. Civil action for fraud will follow with inevitable financial detriment for the former staff member with punitive earnings garnishees sought. All inadvertently associated with this enterprise in any fashion have been counselled and disciplined in extremis.

I had to stage an heroic nuanced intervention to significantly improve the wines inherent magical character. Because of its dubious origins, Stoney Goose Ridge sacrifices this wine to avoid a backdoor fire sale. Now be thankful.

2021 Stoney Goose Ridge Bin 666 Vintage fortified Touriga/tempranillo/durif
It’s a devil-may-wine. Dark and monstrous, with a deep black massive soul, with burning fiery (heads) spirit. Best left in a dark place, or consumed while reading Aleister Crowley or HP Lovecraft, while listening to Santana’s supernatural, Credence’s Pagan Baby, Grateful dead, Black Sabbath, or any other faustian heavy grindcore gothic death metal. Or watching the Exorcist, Angel Heart, or the Seventh Seal. Very Limited release in selected areas. I put a spell on you. Ageless, irresistible, tempting, Classic, with a label worthy of its heritage. RRP (AUS) $88.88

CEO,  Hector Lannible

Momentous archaeological discovery will rewrite history

~ Richard ~ Leave a comment

Emeritus Professor Albert Pedant (PhD) hosted a packed press conference in Jerusalem on April 1, 2023 with media attendance from around the globe. Here is the transcript.

“Welcome everyone, this is a historic occasion that you will long remember. I’m sorry that this was the largest venue with media facilities available at short notice; the recent leaks and ill-informed speculation forced a response about a significant archaeological discovery.

Firstly, obviously the materials were found some months ago, but arranging and conducting the necessary scientific analyses took some time; as did security and administrative essentials. But at last, I can officially make this announcement.

You will doubtless know that I have had oversight of archaeological investigation at various sites throughout the Middle East. This includes Khirbet Qana (Cana), in Israel. This broader site is now managed by Israel and has been sporadically unofficially excavated since the 1870s. Recently, ground-penetrating radar revealed several small underground pockets, which led to increased focus on one particular portion of the current site.

Given that the cavern was only a few cubic metres in volume, extremely meticulous care was taken by the experienced team of Dr Henry Jones in parsing the mixed sand, gravel and rocks.  There were remnants of a room, with surviving sections of mudbrick and timber walls. The “hero” find however was one ceramic pot. Amazingly, the contents had not evaporated. It contained just over three gallons (eleven litres) of liquid. Analysis showed this fluid had an alcohol, sugar, and acidity content consistent with wine, and had been preserved with some covering of straw, cork, and olive oil, protected by the constant temperature and humidity of its special underground location.

Alas, only one intact amphora was located in the storeroom, with many shards of other pots in close proximity. There was uncertainty about its age, but thermoluminescence and moisture recombination dating methods provided evidence that the pot was around two thousand years old. The glaze, patterns, and colours were consistent with established specimens from AD 10 – AD 50.

Hebrew characters carved on the side of the jar were likely the name of the potter, (or the owner’s).  The storeroom also contained seeds, papyrus, charcoal, and fabric fragments which provided unambiguous contemporaneous support for the pot’s authenticity and provenance. Two low-value Roman coins were found, and although badly damaged, x-ray and other tests of their underlying images and metallic composition confirmed their concurrent age.

Further, radiocarbon dating methods on the parchment fragments, the timber frames, and bricks yielded similar results. Sadly, fingerprints and DNA were unable to be detected.

Finally, several experts were then assembled to taste the vessel’s contents with no information supplied, other than extreme age of “several centuries”. The professionals’ comments included “remarkable, ethereal, haunting”. When informed that the liquid was at least one thousand years old, agreement was unanimous that the (understandably) pale fluid was in sublime condition given its antiquity. “It’s the oldest wine I have ever had the privilege of drinking” stated Hector Lannible (CEO of beverage behemoth Stoney Goose Ridge) “and it’s not just a curio – it has memorable qualities”.

What makes the Cana find unique?
Pictures of wine drinking go back to the Standard of Ur (c 3000 BC), and early writings include medical papyri from Kahun (c 1900 BC), the Homeric texts (c 850 BC) and numerous “newer” references. But the wine in the amphora is the oldest drinkable sample of wine ever found. Microscopic traces of wine were found in a vessel from Mytros (Crete) dated to 2000 BC. And this Cana wine is also very different to the ‘Speyer Wine Bottle’ discovered in 1867 which held 1,700-year-old liquid that used to be wine (the alcohol had evaporated); its contents dubious and without vinous merit.

According to the New Testament (John 2:1-11 and various apocryphal records), Jesus, his disciples, and his mother were present at a wedding. After the wine ran out, at his mother’s prompting, Jesus turned the contents of six water pots into wine. The steward congratulated the bridegroom for holding the “good wine back”. The Cana contents are potentially from the water that was turned into wine by Jesus, in his first miracle.

There have been all sorts of scams, fraud and fakes involved with alleged biblical material. The shroud of Turin is a well-documented medieval fake. Relics incredibly include numerous bones, foreskins, multiple crowns of thorns, nails, pieces of the Cross, lances, and the grail. Indeed, I have been consulted concerning the authenticity of all sorts of unlikely artefacts allegedly owned or used by the child or adult Jesus (toys, including wooden marbles, and carved animals, sandals, dice, furniture, even impossibilities such as a hula hoop)!

But here we have another matter entirely. The storeroom’s provenance is established; it has been undisturbed for nearly 2000 years; its age has been verified by a variety of methods; finally, the wine’s existence is unparalleled. Other vessels of antiquity have been found – but any liquids are extremely meagre, and unsavoury. To, summarize, it is not definitely proven the wine was created by Jesus; but it is beyond reasonable doubt that finding this wine intact at Cana is extraordinary.

With all these confirmations, security at the dig site was ramped up, to deter theft, vandalism, overcrowding, attacks by religious extremists, drones, and so on.

Israeli Government reaction
There has already been enormous ill-informed commentary about what this discovery means. For some, it verifies the literal existence of Jesus and confirms his divine ability to perform miracles; for others, it’s merely the uncovering of some old wine in a long-abandoned township.

I properly, and promptly alerted the Israeli Government, and personally informed Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of potential ramifications. I know there were intense and passionate discussion among the parties represented in the coalition Government, and I was vigorously questioned. There were views that the discovery should be suppressed, as inciting division within Israel, as it could inflame religious tensions within the Middle East – and elsewhere.

Thankfully, the combined wisdom of science, political courage, history and academic freedom prevailed.

Understandably, this is a national, and international treasure.

As an Australian, this astonishing find is the pinnacle of my career as an historian, archaeologist, and researcher. I was in the right place at the right time – what a privilege!

And what now?
The Antiquities Bureau of Cana (ABC) has been established to

  • Ensure the safety and preserve the integrity of the artefacts – further scientific analysis is currently deemed unnecessary.
  • Prioritise submissions from the many institutes, scientists and scholars wishing to study the materials.
  • Continue excavations in the vicinity -although the immediate environs seem desolate of evidence of historic habitation.
  • Determine the conditions (if any) under which pilgrims will be able to view the artefacts (or replicas)

There is enough material extant to guarantee rigorous excavations over several decades and the forthcoming academic publications and musings will spur a total rewrite of history.

I am unable to take questions at this time; they can be submitted in writing to the ABC –which is the definitive, and only channel that can respond officially. They will soon distribute time-lapse images of the uncovering of the storeroom, and the survey of its interior.

Finally, I, Albert Pedant, am thrilled to have been an active participant in this extraordinary “miracle at Cana” and honoured to make this significant announcement”.

Stoney Goose Ridge CEO Hector Lannible’s EOY wrap of 2022 staff message, at last!

~ Richard ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a difficult but rewarding year.

In calendar 2022, I enjoyed quality family time with short breaks in Aspen and Milan plus some well-deserved long weekends at Noosa, Port Douglas, Cradle Mountain, Margaret River, Portsea and the Flinders Ranges.

For the staff that were allowed to WFH (with key-logging, CCTV and other supervisory requirements), doubtless this made it simpler to attend our family-friendly daily 7am Zoom briefings.

Travel restrictions from COVID have now eased, so my worklife has been largely consumed by essential reconnection to suppliers, agents, employees, trade and Government representatives. Add my keynote speeches at assorted conferences, TED, accepting the voluminous marketing awards, plus recent critical networking engagements at the Superbowl, Australian Open and elsewhere.

My relentless focus on margins continues – a combination of brand premiumisation, ruthless cost-cutting, maximising trade grants and subsidies, exploiting taxation loopholes combined with our renowned extraordinarily momentous litigious manoeuvres.

Bonuses
Obviously, nearly all staff had their bonus expectations annihilated, and received a laser lesson in my metric-driven expectations.  Those that did not achieve “satisfactory” ratings for their KPI deliverables had instant automatic access to alternate external opportunities, apart from serving out their extended unpaid non-competition periods. Several performance reviews migrated into exit interviews. I did however find one employee with startling achievements and foresight – and under my ongoing mentorship will be joining the executive leadership team with a revised title and remuneration package plus oppressive responsibilities.

My own bonus was not as monolithic as in previous years, despite careful escape from our assorted crypto holdings one week before they crashed. My ownership interest in Stoney Goose Ridge merely ratcheted up to 28%. Of course, I have sufficient assets to purchase the firm outright, but even with other investment opportunities, clearly, I have colossal skin in the game.

Distractions
I was also busy beating back persistent approaches by “Managing Partners” from the usual consulting firms, generally suggesting Stoney Goose Ridge employ their analytic expertise for nebulous and dubious “category development exploration”, “customer journey mapping” and “organisational re-alignment”. They somehow forgot the infamous bidding war for my services as a full partner while still at University; similarly, they assume I have no detailed knowledge – theory and practice- of 4S, TOSCA, MECE, Scamper, and other tools. And intimate access to the might of our data analytic practitioners. Perhaps they should note my MBA and observe that in my six-year tenure at Stoney Goose Ridge, EBIT has increased 5-fold, profit 12-fold, with killer brand awareness and loyalty. ROI, EPG, SEO, NAV etc ditto ad infinitum. Perhaps the consulting firms wish to garner and dissect our IP secrets of success? Regardless, they can return to their bunkers and recycle their dusty proposals to the gullible.

And I have leanly recruited talent while sweating our staff assets to the max. There was the usual voluminous barrage of multi-media CVs seeking employment, internships, cadetships, traineeships and work experience at Stoney Goose Ridge. Many called; few were chosen.

It is fortunate that the ineptitude of my competitors is astonishing. Their leaders and boards would achieve better results if they were replaced by sacks of potatoes – I could carve a banana with a stronger spine.  Decision-making, agility, and strategy- entirely absent. If you can’t cut the mustard, move to higher ground. Feathering their nests by milking their conflicts of interest. Their annual reports nonsensical prolix exemplars of self-serving hagiographic masterclasses in corporate doublespeak. Next step is replacing their press release puff-pieces of tripe via ChatGPT – if they are even aware. Their leadership excels in having much to be humble and modest about, bleating as they suffer the swings and harrows of outrageous fortune. What you see is all there is (WYSIATI).

When the China boom was lowered on their wine basket of nest-eggs, our competitors had to “pivot.” But changing horses midstream is a double-edged sword of Damocles. My cold, cold heart bleeds for our rivals- NOT.

Anyway, if through blind luck, nepotism or payola, a competitor’s beverage offers become successful, we have always been ready to expose the unethical or morally dubious antics of their brand ambassadors, thus eviscerating their labels – the inevitable consequence BOGOF offers and inventory write-downs. Or we create meaningful customer alternatives – such as Jason’s Creek, Cottage hill, Moister Bay, Black Rabbit, Shoeless, Gecko Falls, 16 Flames and Mellow Tale. Such is life, so it goes.

Launches
Stoney Goose Ridge also justly celebrated assorted non-wine SKU product launches:

  • premixed cocktails, not just the typical cosmopolitan, expresso martini, margarita, bloody Mary, old-fashioned, daiquiri, Mai tai, Manhattan, amaretto, negroni and mojito, but a few specials – the “leap into an open grave” and the “big orgasm”. Naturally our premium cocktail range leaves other producers in the shade, quality-wise, thanks to my interventions in their formulations.
  • Zero (and near-zero) alcohol beers and spirits, under our umbrella branding paradigms Less is more! and D’lite, not intended to satisfy the wowsers and abstinent self-flagellating martyrs of Feb-Fast, dry July etc, or the conspicuously affluent consumers. Again, our adversaries provide a flavour-deficit, with their infallible inability to deploy the sensitive assemblage of base material and technical interventions. We deserve wealth and recognition from providing feel-good healthiness to the abstemious.
  • Packaging into cans, pouches, growlers, paper and plastic bottles. If the market, margin and motivation is present, we launch! And we did – leveraging niches is part of our corporate mRNA.

And of course, our ongoing beers, ciders, spritzers and spirits sales are gangbusters.

Merch sales are also fantastic, with social media ablaze with influencers and followers flaunting Stoney Goose Ridge apparel in exotic locales. And our POS paraphernalia continues to dazzle customers.

Adventure afar (AA) is our retargeted strategic global thematic, with omnichannel touchpoints including packaging, POS, OOH, digital, experiential, social and events across key live markets. Media partners and customers adore this refreshed conceptual vitality framework.

Issues
My biggest challenge has been sourcing supply to cover the inexorable sales growth of Stoney Goose Ridge. There is no compromise on quality, and it is fortunate that the world is awash with excess stock, giving a wide supply source – if my quality hurdles are met and the price can be optimised for our margins. Truly I am absolutely unique, with creativity, vision, direction, unparalleled negotiating prowess and riveting determination to untangle the sludge in supply chain bottlenecks.

Dealing with the media and press – gutter and otherwise- seeking my profound iron-disciplined evidence-based insightful wisdom on the world of alcohol is as tedious as the junkets and contra they expect.

I spent several days embedded in woodshedding with our wine fabricational staff. They had prepared hundreds of sample blends, with exemplars of their components and accompanying spreadsheets.  Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but when the facts emerged, their judgements were proven wrong. They were predictably enthralled by my swift assessments and the massive improvements made through my blending mastery, admiring the Midas touch of my magic wand. There is no substitute for virtuoso genius, despite their obsessive analytical endeavours and constant requests for additional devices, soil mapping drones and variegated storage- even new barrels every year! (my accountant joke!)

Believe the HYPE
To my disappointment, there have been no new wine brands released from Stoney Goose Ridge since early last year with our record-breaking World Heavyweight Champion™. But here it comes.

We used Intercontinental blending material (ICBM) so Merlot from Bordeaux, Cabernet from China, and Carmenere from Chile, fully capturing the essence of their organic terroirs, and biodiversity paradigm.  And surprisingly, no component from Australia. As the premiere release, it was initially evaluated as ICBM #1. Appropriately, this uniquely revolutionary, ground-breaking contemporary concept is labelled “the Hype.” It comes with the usual proprietary QR, AR and a plethora of security devices to help further protect the iconic form of the Stoney Goose Ridge brand, prevent dilution from unauthorised copies and serve as a precedent across jurisdictions. Focus group participants begged to purchase the wine – for amounts well beyond its market tariff – as its sensuous aromatics, and sublime structural finesse flabbergasted their gustatory experiences.

Stoney Goose Ridge always wants its products to be available for our true hyper-dedicated fans, and it is priced at AU$ 38, NZ$ 41, US$ 26, GB£ 21 and €24. 2021 The HYPE is available from select outlets from 20 February, and of course via our multi-award-winning website.

And what a stunningly luminous collectable trompe-l’oeil label! The EOI for the 3D NFTs surge.

The wrap
There will be a barrage of typically glittering omni-channel launches in 2023.
Ubiquity is Utopia. Again, we celebrate our nimiblity – your motivational icon, Hector A Lannible

Hector and “minimal intervention” (NOB) wines

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I, (Hector Lannible) am constantly approached by business leaders, Government Ministers and the assorted press – gutter and otherwise- seeking my profound wisdom on the world of alcohol. My evidence-based, iron-disciplined views are justifiably notorious.

So let me settle one controversial wine topic once and for all.

NOB – (Natural, Organic, Biodynamic) – hipster voodoo nonsense, or planet-saving healthiness?

No-one can deny trends in the wine industry. Huge strides have been made in grapegrowing, winemaking and, of course, marketing. We know all about getting the “right varieties in the right places,” old vines, and the cult of auteur winemakers.

Lately we’ve seen growing customer distrust of industrialisation; a desire for intimacy and diminished manipulation. For the story behind the wines. For doing more with less.

And the makers of these nouvelle vague wines often proudly boast they carry no winemaking qualifications, no vineyard or winery. Every wine is more honest, more compelling, and more rewarding than tricked up soulless mass-market wine products.

Critics might describe the NOB market as virtue-signalling, sandal-wearing, vegan tree-huggers with electric SUV’s. But these people are missing the key benefit of natural wine.

We can get it into the market quickly, and at a premium price.

What more could we ask for? Cashflow is king! Why bother with the time involved to make “proper” sparkling wine, with years of maturation when you can whip out “prosecco” in a few months. And why bother with that, when a “pet-nat” can grace the shelves mere weeks after harvest?

And, of course, Stoney Goose Ridge could not ignore the lucrative sales, margins, brand-building and resultant boost to my bonus.

Our wine people are always itching to tinker with new techniques and gadgetry. Thanks to my uncanny exploitation of R&D tax breaks, we have ceramic eggs, amphorae, prepared ambient yeasts, and many other toys. Under my benevolent oversight, winemakers carefully curate small batches, and after my brutal assessments and improvement finesses, these can readily transformed be into commercial wine lake quantities.

Our first lo-fi, hands-off “orange wine” Hipster’s Reward®,  laid waste to somms, and customers across several continents, smashing sales records. Our selected winemaking ambassadors fronted the media – with minders – flaunting their beards, tattoos, and piercings. Non-male winemakers too.

It was a runaway success, where our only key problem was making more!

Organic and biodynamic wines often have annoying and, frankly, unnecessarily laborious certification processes, with competing authorities, and ambiguous rules. This is ideal for Stoney Goose Ridge! We claim to abide by the principles but see no need to be hamstrung by red-tape stifling innovation.

And we are sensitive to feedback, with our massed lawyers always eager to issue writs for defamation, with corrective and humbling apologies and punitive damages sought.

Of course, our mainline is mainstream wines, utilising all the tools that make such a difference in improving quality and decreasing costs; mini-ox, oak chunks, reversal osmosis, flowcross filtering and so on in the winery, and spraying with mega-drones, and mechanical trimming and grape collection.

We even made a wine to appeal to the fervent anti-NOBs, an interstellar opposite, the ultra-hi-tech dark horse Miraculous Maximus Technoplex®.

At Stoney Goose Ridge, we are indifferently agnostic to unquantifiable customer beliefs. We proudly cater for all market matrices  that provide momentum-bursting growth and profitability metrics.

A wine worth the weight

~ Richard ~ Leave a comment

As CEO of a global beverage company, every day has challenges – which I, Hector Lannible, broadcast to my staff at all hours, 24/7. Truly, my KPI intangibles are off the chart.

I was amazed to read recently that Jancis Robinson found a full wine bottle that weighed 2.043 Kg. My instant reaction was ‘That’s ridiculous’ and ‘surely we can do better!’

Many people believe impressively heavy wine bottles are a guarantee of inherent quality. Big is better. And filling market niches is the raison d’etre why Stoney Goose Ridge always has new wines in the pipeline ready to cascade to market.

Following Jancis’ inadvertent disclosure, I initiated yet another inspirational venture:

  • Create a massive heavy-weight bottle, and
  • Create a suitable flavour-packed wine worthy of this special package

Loyal customers thrilled when we released “The Black” a few years ago, a monumental flavour-bomb essence made from Zinfandel, Saperavi, Mataro, Durif and Tannat. Demand was ballistic.

But for this dreadnaught project we needed something completely different. I settled on the noblest variety: Cabernet Sauvignon – the undisputed King of Grapes – which I masterfully synergised with batches of Nebbiolo – acknowledged as a rival King.

Wood is good

With 100% new oak barrique maturation, this wine makes a profound statement. The cohort of Stoney Goose Ridge wine fabricators were again in awe of the outcome of my sublime virtuosic blending assemblage.

Considerable technical logistical challenges solved included manufacture of especially substantial glass bottles, extra-long Diam cork, the wax canopy, and the impressive, embossed label. All of these add lustrous icing to the cake. Our wine stands alone.

Unnecessarily restrictive Health & Safety restrictions mean this wine can only be packed in cartons of six bottles. But meritoriously, our prestigious hefty creation will survive a fall from a height of two metres.

When full, our new bottle weighs almost 2.5Kg, a 20% uptick and a giant progressive leap for the wine industry. Truly, we’ve set the hurdle at a new pinnacle for any vinous wannabe copycats. And that’s before we even get on to the sustainably harvested timber presentation case.

Marketing, branding and packaging awards are warranted, and I predict we’ll have to expand the trophy display warehouse. I can already hear the bleating squeals of tall-poppy jealousy. But once again Stoney Goose Ridge has snookered its competitors for a touchdown.

I’m sure we’ll attract specious dummy strawman objections on so-called “environmental” grounds. As if depriving consumers of freedom of choice helps the aspirational economic paradigm! That horse has firmly bolted from the starting blocks.

Serious responsibilities

Regardless, Stoney Goose Ridge takes its ESG obligations sanctimoniously, with developmental best-practice carbon offset, enlightened employment, and numerous evolutionary policies. To be totally clear: Stoney Goose Ridge is absolutely committed to the onboarding scoping process of its fungible MOU sustainability jurisdiction.

There is no doubt that our newest remarkable product is ground-breaking, and innovative. It stands alone as an outlier. Prodigious, and unchallenged. Olympian.

Which is why we have anointed it with the name World Heavyweight Champion™. Available right now from the finest retailers, it’s an impressive collector’s item, with both the package and its contents certain to provide admiration and enjoyment for years. It’s a guaranteed blue-chip super-premium icon luxury brand, unrivalled in its domineering attitude.

Pricepoint- wise, it is pitched within reach of memorabilia collectors, fine wine aficionados and the hyper-loyal Stoney Goose Ridge customer base. Internally, its value equation perfectly conforms to our stringent internal ROI pricing positioning metric margin principles. Plus it tastes great.

Long may this champion reign!

2020 Stoney Goose Ridge World Heavyweight Champion™ Cabernet-Nebbiolo.
RRP €60, £50.22, HK$531, $68US, $128AUS

Stoney Goose Ridge end of 2021 half-year review

~ Richard ~ Leave a comment

Despite the difficulties of COVID, international logistics issues, and the dead hand of tariffs and taxation, Stoney Goose Ridge had another record-breaking year, nearly meeting most of my demanding stretch targets. The bean-counters have finished with their spreadsheets, and ritual accounting GL P&L minutiae. New markets, new products, and the constant task of meeting the insatiable demands of our hyper-loyal expanding customer base kept me at agile warp-speed velocity.

Certainly, Stoney Goose Ridge unerringly pinpoints the bullseye sweet-spot continuously.

We justly celebrated the acumen of commercial, business, and financial innovation with our release only a few months ago of “the Ponzi.” Options and futures on this item have now expired, and the limited release is no longer available for subscription. If you have any, lucky you!

As usual, the tranche of awards and prizes for our marketing campaigns, cutting edge design, outstanding leadership, and financial innovation stewardship, had a monumental uptick. My TED talks continue to be compulsive viewing.

Stoney Goose Ridge chooses not to participate in wine and spirit shows where “every child wins a prize,” nor entertain scribes with lavish junkets, nor flog our wares with fawning hyperbole. Unremitting fanatical praise from our consumers is our key reward. Further, my assessment of quality is far more rigorous than so-called qualified judges and their closed-shop cohort of cronies.

Sales, EBITDA, NPS, ESG, ROA, NAV, social media, and new product launches were satisfactory from my standpoint, with lapses caused solely by personnel blinking at critical moments, thereby failing to fulfil my objectives. My incessant hyperactive management means those underlings now seek alternative opportunities since they abandoned the wholesome family of Stoney Goose Ridge. My frenetic trading in alternative crypto- currencies and NFTs was also naturally lavishly lucrative.

Our legal domain has a record number of cases underway, with progress slowed by Court, Tribunal, and rulings inertia – allegedly due to COVID constraints. This means 2022 anticipates a deluge of favourable decisions, with appropriately punitive exemplary costs and windfall damages. And we have buckets of new litigation planned.

Our success has been orchestrated by my peerless magnetic personality and persuasiveness, partially blunted by the lack of face-to-face meetings, with Zoom and Teams a dull substitute. But this allowed me more time to work on strategy, and to email relentless concrete action demands to the workforce, insisting on “Citius, Altius, Fortius,” reinforced with blistering texts and phone calls.

Stoney Goose Ridge has not succumbed to the fad of “celebrity booze.” Typically, actors, so-called musicians, and internet poseurs may licence their names as a brand, sometime even having some trivial tangential role in the production, or labelling. Few people can withstand scrutiny of their past crimes, escapades and attitudes, racism, sexism, domestic violence, irrational texts, tweets, images, private videos and so on. Our rare social media ambassadors and influencers ran the gauntlet of a 106-question checklist to reach the starting gate. Stoney Goose Ridge will not produce any of the salacious records of aspirants that were rejected – except under court orders – unless in the public interest.

I provided a monster list of potential brandnames to our analysts, and these capable data-nitpicking elves trawled through historic records to find potential grape sources. Our winemakers provide samples for my assessment and sublime blending conclusions. These outstanding efforts are bottled under our DRC label (Decisive Real Champions) and so far, we have released the stellar blue-chip Chateau Margot, Chateau Shovel Blanc, Chateau Angela’s, Chateau Lapin, Clos de Bees, Hill of Graci, Stone’s Terraces, and one (so far) wine from Henry Jaya- (Clos Parasol).

DRC wines are produced at the premium price-point they deserve, restricted to our very special clients, on application and allocation. Our discretion to these VVIP tycoons is assured, whether their expertise lies in one-to-many pharma, logistics to freedom fighters, taxation nano-minimisation, wagering, facilitating, and brokering local distribution, running monopolies, Governments, finance innovation, or loosely, entertaining the huddled masses.

These DRC wines are the true showcase expression of their micro-terroir and pay exceptional homage to their historical antecedents – awash with innovative artwork styled by HAL – Hector Achilles Lannible, (myself) and replete with microchip, QR and other blockchain security protections. These extraordinary wines have already made rare appearances on the secondary market with stratospheric interest, and prices. The winemakers who source these amazingly meritorious batches are rightly celebrated with my personal recognition, a deserved micro-bonus, and several bottles of their produce. Naturally, this reward comes with a binding agreement for themselves, their heirs, and successors in perpetuity not to sell, trade, exchange ….and so forth, to avoid damage to the brandage and the market.

But while adding to the lustre of Stoney Goose Ridge as a renowned global luxury icon brand, the DRC range is an infinitesimal volume of our torrential innovative array of wines, beers, spirits, ciders, spritzers and so on, which are our lifeblood bread-and-butter staples. A glittering range of transubstantiated beverage creations is scheduled for 2022, which will fundamentally disrupt the apple-cart of our rivals. I promise tantrums, blood, sweat and tears for them.

Stoney Goose Ridge has the terrific ongoing blessing of self-immolation from our competitors. Their vision, capability and execution are risible; apart from panic, their three speeds are slow, very slow and stop; their intellects modest at best – a career pivot to ballast or crash test dummies overdue. Addicted to the perpendicular pronoun, OTT FOMO and unable to STFU, their faces are made for podcasts; their manners for the zoo, their irrational, incomprehensible utterances and scribbles suitable only for collection in anthologies of business ineptitude. With supine Boards, shareholder apathy, and their snouts in the trough of the gravy train, long may their reign continue!

There are tens of thousands who read my daily zeitgeist; I have been described as “very remarkable, someone of rare perspicacity, with extraordinary talents and incomparable nobility of character…with qualities especially famed, namely self-sacrifice, devoted friendship, nobility of purpose, perceptiveness, ingenuity and courage.” I humbly agree with that impartial assessment, although certain attributes have been overlooked, doubtless through lack of space.

My festive break will once again consist of ruthless triage of the acreage and pixelage of submissions from candidates seeking internships, and multi-media CVs for the rare vacant positions that I did not directly catapult elite talent into.

I will also turn the screws on the deluge of plaintive proposals from rivals who – surprise surprise – found themselves with meagre or non-existent cashflow, excess inventory, equipment, staff, land, leases, and other generic afflictions. Many companies are still trying to unload their smoke-tainted wine onto ignorant losers. Ha! Stoney Goose Ridge is always alert to take maximum advantage of opportunities when we smell blood in the air, and we decisively snapped up evidence-backed assets at subterranean bargain-basement rates.

Meanwhile, staff – except those on essential duties during the festive break – can concentrate on self-reflection and preparation for their looming performance review, focussing on how they can improve, with fulsome admission of their shortcomings. Pledged commitments are always required. I am pleased to note that nearly a handful of staff achieved a bonus this year. This is a rare honour, and a tribute to their heroic endeavours under my oppressive supervisionary oversight, wisdom and profound stimulation.

Again, several staff were promoted – in title or remuneration – testament to their ability to absorb some portion of my on-the fly-masterclasses in negotiation, creativity, strategic planning directionality, project plan dimensioning, financial and taxation circumlocution, as well as tactical organoleptic analysis. All are aware of my renowned open-door policy, and readiness to provide 30-second consultations – sometimes more!- and incisive guidance.

Families are a wonderful diversion from the ceaseless demands of commerce; I’m certain that among our FTEs, contractors, consultants and agents, there have been romances, heartbreaks, personal development, and triumphs, possibly even new workplace opportunities. My own family welcomes my holiday presence, lamenting that there will be essential protracted international business travel in the next twelve months. At least we can now plan a sensible holiday – perhaps Cannes, shows on Broadway or the West End, or ski-Ing in Switzerland – feasibly all of these, plus short local breaks at Thredbo, Uluru, Rottnest, and Cradle Mountain

My slim, lean, dream-team of PA’s, media, archivist, biographer, stylists etc loosely met their base KPIs of “turn up, keep up and shut up.” They are continually thrilled and amazed, absorbing my hands-off mentoring. Direct reports and staff during our 360-degree processes mentioned my inspirational catalytic galvanisation capabilities, anticipating the starter’s gun with a monkey-wrench, thereby short-circuiting our oppositions’ intentions.

Finally, management consultants recommended that my Stoney Goose Ridge CEO duties should be more formally defined and delegated to a Global Sales and Marketing Director, Head of Beverages, CFO Finance, Legal Director, and Head HR (Human Remains). These will be my new direct reports and the search is underway. Staff in related positions must prepare for the inevitable ruthless and gruelling rounds of interviews, scenarios, and presentations. In the meantime, we accepted the benchmarked recommendation that my base remuneration be tripled and backdated with a commensurate increase in my potential bonus. My key-man insurance and “golden handcuffs” have also been significantly upgraded.

Gather with your family, and any friends to raise a glass of enticing mildly intoxicating Stoney Goose Ridge – in drinkwise moderation – to celebrate this year’s glorious achievements under my exemplary leadership.

Buckle in for the tightrope ride in 2022, a whirlwind roller-coaster awaits!

In solidarity, your legendary, generous CEO, Hector.

Stoney Goose Ridge releases “the Ponzi”

~ Richard ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a long time to introduce new drinks from Stoney Goose Ridge. Blame it on Covid, blame it on China, blame it on the boogie, but such is life. The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest. So it goes.

There are many affluent people engaged in the wine industry; most were wealthier before they started producing. Doctors, lawyers, merchant bankers, mass-entertainment headliners and start-up moguls purchased hobby farms or existing wineries, with little insight into the time, money and traumas involved in the tasks of growing, making and selling wine. Truly, many a slip twixt the sap and the lip.

There are also vinous trophy hunters with gargantuan collections of unicorn, rare and expensive wines (DRC, le Pin, Petrus, Leroy, Jayer, Egon Muller and Prum auction TBA’s and eisweins, Clos du Mesnil, Salon, et al) – in magnum or bigger – paraded before their acolytes, cronies and near-peers). Typically, these collectors are united by their inarticulate poverty of wine appreciation, and venerate wines that are obviously decrepit relics, or with faults that render the wine unpalatable. The label, and the arcane archaeology of the provenance outweigh the calibre of the contents. Sometimes these wines appear at auction, often caused by the “3Ds” (Disease, Divorce, Death), with startlingly stratospheric reserve prices – or egotistically donated to “Charity auctions” for bragging rights. It’s likely some of the treasures are “Rudi” wines.

Most wine production costs are incurred upfront; land purchase, trellising, rootling supply, water, pesticides, picking, making, storage, bottling and packaging, and the funds necessary to make this investment. There are many decisions along the way, plus the curious interventions of weather, legislative intrusions, and personal difficulties. It’s only the end-product that makes the journey worthwhile, and even then, it needs to be sold. Fortunately, there are select people with portions of my munificent talent, and occasionally some of our competitors’ wines can even approach the excellent pedigree of entry-level Stoney Goose Ridge throughput.

But we are here to celebrate the way many business people through the ages have nurtured their fortunes, in the true spirit of financial entrepreneurship. How often in business life are there situations where there is growth in sales, assets, profits, and yet there are transient cash flow issues? One way forward is by soliciting loans and reinvesting in the progress and advancement of the company. Many resort to loan sharks or bridging finance at injuriously punitive interest rates.

Sometimes financial stresses are caused by corrupt employees, siphoning – for years- with bogus invoices supporting extravagant lifestyles with impulses attributed to gambling or substance addictions, luxury vehicles, designer apparel, lavish travel, and extravagant entertainment. Sometimes instances are publicised, but frequently the offenders remain undetected, or are shuffled out quietly to protect the company from embarrassing revelations about their systemic forensic inadequacies. It’s seldom “headless body in topless bar”; more usual is “no one hurt in small earthquake”.

There’s a fine line between a hot tip and insider trading. Enforcement is difficult, as evidence is ambiguous, typically transient. and well disguised.  Courts are baffled by fogs of competing timelines, spreadsheets and byzantine scenarios even when the stench of overt corruption is nauseating. That’s unless the suspects disappear overseas – ideally to countries without extradition treaties – in to live in luxury (thanks to “kind-hearted benefactors”) despite having no assets. It’s a slippery slope that lets the genie out of the bottle, with no turning back.

I am awed by judicial views that BNPL schemes for FMCG do not have credit implications, that UBER, and assorted food delivery drivers are not employees, and that “casual” workers can have fixed rosters for years.  Like all rulings, there is seemingly no limit to appeals and reversals – subject to litigant willingness to contribute funds to participate in the lottery, where roughly one-third of decisions are reversed at each successive level (“the facts of the case are intelligible to the least-instructed layman, and the only persons utterly at sea are those connected with the law” AP Herbert).

Similarly, defamation laws apparently exist solely to line the pockets of thin-skinned politicians – adept in rolling out the pork barrel until the music stops – and celebrities.  Truth is often not a valid defence. Come on dollar, come on! Little action has been taken to quash “phoenix” businesses that leave a trail of debts, and then fold. Mysteriously, the directors establish a very similar business, often at the same premises with assets transferred. In larger corporate failures, liquidators indulge in a feeding frenzy on the carcass to consume residual assets, leaving little for creditors.

The true vinous innovators are not the viticulturalists, winemakers, or the chemists. Yes, we are grateful for glass bottles, seals, vats, presses, and harvesting tools. But the most important artisans are clearly those with finance calculations firmly in their headlights.

Often when travelling, a crowd is gathered around someone with a ball in three cups, or three cards. The itinerant swindlers and their accompanying stooges make their living cheating the innocent. Or do they? The learned Fields stated “It’s the old army game, you can’t cheat an honest man, don’t give a chump a chance, never give a sucker an even break”.  If something is too good to be true, you are asking for trouble – unless you bale out in time.

The wonderfully inventive Ponzi (pyramid schemes) consume the payments of later investors to reimburse earlier contributors. Mathematically, it doesn’t work in the long run. Those at the top of the tree skim as much as feasible along the way.  The typical cross-web of related party transactions, and lavish sponsorship of sporting clubs seems innate. Whistle-blowers (aka “disgruntled employees”) are ostracised, and lambasted. Years later, after the companies are shredded, court cases are launched to retrieve damages from entities with no assets, with little penalty for the perpetrators due to their previously distinguished unblemished career, contributions to the community, advanced age, ill-health, the stress of delays of proceedings, sincere remorse etc.

Stoney Goose Ridge has no tolerance for any of these shameful activities. Renowned for our hyper-aggressive tax strategies, stringent HR policies, ironclad contracts and phenomenal litigation initiatives, our prime mission is to increase the well-being of the fanatical imbibers of our assorted alcoholic beverages. Our encouragement of the whistle-blowers of our competitors and obsessive follow-up through regulators is a tribute to our moral and ethical diligence.

I, Hector Achilles Lannible, am thusly proud to launch The Ponzi, a wine destined to ascend the podium to the pantheon of Stoney Goose Ridge brands. Development of its framework has been guided by overarching positioning, assisted by insights of our community engagement program.

The Ponzi is made from carefully blended Italianate varietals, including portions of Aglianico, Barbera, Corvina, Dolcetto, Montepulciano, Nebbiolo, Nerello Mascalese, Nero, Sangiovese, plus Teroldego grown in a multiplicity of regions. Blending was undertaken and as always, my masterly personal attention resulted in a wine that left the team astonished at my unrelenting nano-detailed prowess.

Expect a typical cavalcade of monumental flavour; authentic savoury terroir-derived attributes, showcasing black Doris plum and Bickford lime cordial, an iron fist in a velvet glove, finishing with a peacock’s tail – suitable for most repasts whether casual or celebratory. Approachable now but with the capability to mature for decades.

The front label image of The Ponzi is licenced from Joseph Banksy, a true artist who has overcome personal adversity with addictions, mental frailties, and other struggles that I will reluctantly not mention due to my concern for his personal privacy in Byron Bay.

Hurry to your concierge to reserve your exclusive tranche of liquid assets, as stocks are strictly limited. There is a certificate of authenticity for every case of individually numbered bottles, magnums, jeroboams, and larger formats. Each verification carries the personal signature of Stoney Goose Ridge CEO Hector Lannible.

The Ponzi RRP $AUS44, $NZ40 $US30, €25, £25

Stoney Goose Ridge EOFY results 2021

~ Richard ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a year of consolidation for Stoney Goose Ridge. We continue to deliver joy to our growing cohort of enthusiastic consumers, our alcoholised portfolio suite providing a real buzz. For the first time under my inspirational stewardship, we did not achieve at least 20% sales growth – although this benchmark is obviously harder to achieve each year. However, we smashed targets on margin, profit, customer stickiness and all social media measures. Although Forbes does not include us in their top 200, Interbrand and Millward Brown have both recognised the unparalleled trajectory of Stoney Goose Ridge in their brand valuation methodologies. Further, with a venture into Bitcoin, in technical parlance, we made “a motza”.

I don’t blame COVID and the massive tariffs imposed by China for market difficulties. These did not affect Stoney Goose Ridge directly. However, the hopelessly myopic antics of our competitors dumping their bloated wine inventories did not help. Adept in brand trashing and customer loyalty damage, they initiated a price war in a race to the bottom. Stoney Goose Ridge does not participate in this value destruction. Incidentally, we were offered land under vine, bulk and packaged wine stock, plant and equipment, warehousing, bottling lines and much more. Where appropriate, we made very selective purchases at derisory prices. These acquired assets will drive profits for years to come.

The only new product launched this year was our “found” whisky Glen 20. We had sufficient complications sourcing quality material to match the growth of our many other wine, beer and spirit brands to meet the insatiable appetite of our hyperloyal customer base. Mind, we have enormous plans for the coming year with a veritable tsunami in the pipeline. Sourcing, blending, branding, labels, press releases, launch plans, and the supply chain are all prepared, so watch out!

Few companies boast a CEO with a Rhodes Scholarship, Harvard MBA and the youngest-ever full partner at one of the “big 4” management consulting companies, even negotiating bonuses during internship.  As a multi-millionaire during my first year at university through options trading and property development, my record is startling. The numerous academic awards and accolades achieved throughout my education are a sidelight. After a lucrative stint helping dramatically improve the fortunes of many enterprises, and resisting countless headhunters, I took a career break to nurture Stoney Goose Ridge from a modest medium-sized family company into an international powerhouse.

Litigation progress has been slowed by court sluggishness; fortunately, this stalling enabled numerous new actions to be initiated on trademarks, enforcing our detailed contracts, and drafting the necessary background papers and legislation to improve our financial well-being. Stoney Goose Ridge remains an exemplar in the utilisation of low-tax domiciles and our absolute exploitation of COVID business subsidies.

I have participated in fewer seminars this year; Zoom is not the most appropriate medium to display my sublime networking wizardry. Obviously, I could have indulged in essential overseas business travel, but being required to quarantine would have limited my whirlwind brainstorming. COVID thus ensured greater availability for relentless hands-on mentoring of my local top talent; however it complicated my essential wine blending prowess.  Samples needed to be transported to me, meaning reduced efficiency in my mentorship of winery staff on how their efforts can be improved in quality, marketability and profitability – just one of my obsessive critical tasks.

Like most staff, COVID has impacted my home life too; my daughter’s ballet and equestrian dressage interests were restricted; my son’s yachting and marlin fishing challenged; my wife’s charity routines severely curtailed. We did not go to Aspen or the Seychelles this year, having to economise with short glamping breaks in Broome, Noosa, Queenstown and Port Douglas.

Our liquor rivals’ inarticulate PR-led keywords of “pivot”, “premiumisation” and “transitioning” made me vomit. Apart from their public bleatings, these “leaders” are on the back foot trying to keep their ships flying under the radar. Shareholder revolt is overdue to abandon these pedestrian bunglers and tackle their undeserved exorbitant remuneration and unmerited bonuses. Look at their hamfisted two-left-feet performance like lemmings in the headlights, lacking any cogent strategy, urgency or implementation skills. Contrast this situation where even my own anticipated compensation package was somewhat diluted by events.

I remain committed to the ongoing recruitment, development, pastoral care and ESG responsibilities for Stoney Goose Ridge staff, consultants, contractors, interns, and counterparts within our subsidiaries and related entities. In my Board roles at various business representative groups, I have been uniquely forceful in facilitating strategic amelioration stakeholder collaborative frameworks, driving B2B blockchain and streamlining transnational market regulation rationalisation.

The corporate jet has been used less; its pilots and my drivers had to share in less glamorous essential business tasks. Many staff were required to work from home; thankfully our collaborative software and sophisticated realtime online tracking ensured rigorous compliance to KPI responsibilities. Nevertheless, the bonus pool was diluted by circumstances, and only superhuman efforts such as my own can be rewarded. This will be explained forcefully in looming performance appraisals for staff that survived the periodic position culls. Challenging new targets will be confirmed, with maximum exertions necessary.

Your esteemed leader through adversity and paradigm upheavals, Hector Lannible

Half year report from Stoney Goose Ridge

~ Richard ~ Leave a comment

We have reached 2021! All staff have returned from compulsory leave over the merry festive season, fully refreshed and prepared to devote full attention to contractual obligations and KPIs. As CEO, I, Hector Lannible am looking forward to another year of success, and proper reward for my fulsome endeavours.

Our financials remain astonishingly, spectacularly rock-solid; surveyed staff report Invigorated team engagement 24/7 with full focus, and unstinting praise for the calibre of their top management.

Project Overlord to re-insource services has not diluted the clarity of demonstrable accountabilities, with data and digitisation abstract acceleration improvements maximising value from our remaining vendor spend.

Meanwhile, our rivals’ overt incompetent mismanagement, plus COVID seismic headwind disruptions continues to wreak destruction – these greatly assist the unparalleled Stoney Goose Ridge growth trajectory mission.

For several years, our country’s educational and training institutions became obsessively fixated on luring international students and thought this windfall expansion would continue like a magic pudding. But the supply dried up, embarrassingly leading to redundancies, distressed asset sales, raids on fiscal reserves, and attempts at recapitalisation to remain afloat. Similarly, many of our alcoholised rivals fantasised on export opportunities primarily to one Asian country. The chickens have come home to roost, like rabbits in the headlights, leaving management with egg on their red faces. Demonstrating pedestrian inertia, their belated – meaningless – alleged headline strategy is to “pivot”.

Festooned with bonuses and rewards from the bonanza growth, they boasted with messianic fervour of their profound business acumen and strategic global initiatives. They basked in first-class junkets, seminars and other love-fests broadcasting their vison and expertise.  Now, they hypocritically seek life support subsidies to alleviate their inept “strategies”, squealing and bleating about their former economic contribution and bemoaning damage to their precious communities. The return of their undeserved STI doesn’t enter their reckoning, and ongoing pain is confined to their underlings, suppliers and downstream impacts. The mouthpieces have lost their credibility foothold leaving big shoes to fill. We hope assorted Government entities are not gulled yet again by these parasitic PR advocates and lobbyists.

Other businesses set up or repositioned solely to exploit niche marketing opportunities based on inbound tourism of one country. Surprise! They set up for eternal growth; and have been taken aback. They do not deserve to be propped up if their model is so inflexible. Business demands nimble agility. These companies should have focussed on their lifeblood knitting instead of the artwork of their business cards, advertising in foreign-language vehicles, and elaborate web paraphernalia.

These enterprises never bothered with risk assessment, contingency plans, exit strategies and other management fundamentals; my own extensive applied solution contributions have been well publicized within management journals and studied by MBA candidates, and countless CEOs, Boards and so on.. But clearly others lacked the imaginative interdisciplinary competency to apply these simple process template matrix panaceas.

I am completely sympathetic and compassionate for the casualties of corporate greed and bungling; the survivors are worthy of our care and support – but their senior management merits derision and lifelong exile from leadership.

Stoney Goose Ridge is virtuosic at exploiting support schemes, but entirely within the spirit and subject to the usual stringent qualification and reporting necessities; we abhor ad-hoc white-board special supplementary arrangements based on megaphone diplomacy and subliminal blackmail. As always, we support whistle-blowers to report improper activities of our competitors.

In the world of wine, short- to-medium-term, consumers will benefit through vinous firesales from companies desperate for cashflow from their excess stocks. The companies don’t care that much of the wine has been “tweaked” (aka sweetened) for export.  The use-by date looms for their inventory bloat. It’s a race to the bottom. When our antennae decoded and translated whispers, we rapidly diverted stocks to various insatiable export markets – clamouring for our product suite – just in time to avoid disruptions, truly a tribute to our Enigmatic intelligentsia.

And Stoney Goose Ridge has capacity to expand our footprint, to maximise the commercialisation opportunities by offering pitiful payments to our ham-fisted rivals for swathes of stock. We are vigilant for recruitment of discarded and disaffected staff. We thrive on volatility, fully leveraging the pipeline of interested mandates.

Celebrity endorsements of thought-leading influencers have been achieved. Our forensic scrutiny ensures no scandal or inappropriate historic actions affect potential sales, with iron-clad contracts ensuring behavioural value alignment compliance guarantees. Our customers are also happily cemented into lifestyle category relationships.

Our attention focuses on the cascade of launches of our excitement-inducing plethora of iconic innovative brand extension labels. New products are waiting in the wings just around the corner on the horizon. This confounds our competitors who wonder “what happened”?

We are fully prepared for the anticipated wannabe copycat attempts, typically with inferior products hastily cobbled together and pitched at lower RRPs. Truly shameful. Our legal forces are on red alert for even minuscule breaches to be punished with exemplary damages.

Vintage has started, and “best ever” is our mantra, regardless of climate or circumstances.

Inspirationally yours in 2021, Hector Lannible