Stoney Goose Ridge is at the leading edge cutting vanguard of innovating beverage creators; renowned as Australia’s most vibrant wine assembler; recently we moved decisively and winningly into the craft beer market; and today we pioneeringly debut two radically different alcohol-based beverages. I took the reins to steer the ship of state full-tilt into the spirit world.
There are already too many of these rag-tag ad-hoc distilled products cluttering retail shelves with shrieking self-aggrandizement, ludicrous lurid labels and hotchpotch of bizarre boutique bottle bolstering. A mix of stale bandaid brands and upstart wannabes. By and large, these flashy wonders are forgettable souped-up vins ordinaire, with their dubious sole merit enabling a hazy alcoholic glow- truly unsafe at any speed. Stoney Goose Ridge is way beyond that bottom-feeding – our new release spirits are heart-warming renditions of memorably captivating flavour profiles.
Certain spirits require long aging in barrels, which would seem a logical fit given our prolific discarding of outdated wooden containment vessels. But, this is not one of Stoney Goose Ridge’s desires. We’re agile, nimble, and speed to market is our raison d’etre and forte. So there’s zero intent to assail the whisky market, not blends, nor single malts, despite the room for innovative contributions like double malt whisky. But I have momentarily digressed meritoriously.
For the technically inclined, there are actually two types of distillation equipment used to create spirits; pot-stills, and the other kind. To the uninitiated, they both resemble hybrids of Heath Robinson and Rube Goldberg fantasies. But despite their improbable appearance, these mechanised marvels fulfil a task – rectifying and concentrating alcoholic strength. At Stoney Goose Ridge we proudly entered leasing buyback tiered mezzanine financing for these apparatus, putting them to immediate ramped up throughput capability utilisation.
The first spirit we debut is a Vodka. Many people, quite erroneously assume these are made from potato. Wrong! Vodka can be made from almost anything that can ferment into alcohol – grains, fruits, vegetables – so this synergistically suits Stoney Goose Ridge supplier sourcing strategies to a T.
Our first creation is The Old Wood Duck Vodka. It’s colourless, odourless, subtly flavoured and packs a wicked kick. The bottle is mega-stylish, truly ne plus ultra, quid pro pro. Catch it and give it a spin. Use in your favourite cocktail, mixed drink or neatly by itself. Like Proust’s madeleines, each sip transports me fondly back to my student residency completing my MBA at Harvard, where I inspired, mentored and coached my team of research assistants in a multi- gold medal, prize-winning performance. The bottle and label of The Old Wood Duck are amazingly unique – yet able to be mass-produced in the volumes that our traffic forecasters have divined. The Old Wood Duck is our loving homage to the other vodka producers, inspired by our awe at their profitability margins and mark-ups. And take note of our use of the definite article. It’s not just any Old Wood Duck, it’s The Old Wood Duck.
An outstanding match with Beluga caviar, or even other substitutes, The Old Wood Duck is affordable, graceful and ready. It’s fashionably hip and uber-stylish.
And now as a further legacy, Stoney Goose Ridge gives the world Two Fingers. Two Fingers Gin. Naturally, my guidance during product development was exhaustive, culminating in numerous branding searches preceding my penultimate decisive “go” decision. We obtained the top-secret formulaic recipe from a distinguished military veteran – its ingredients include 11 different herbs and spices – and although I’m not meant to help our competitors, I will reveal that one botanical component is juniper. I’ve let the cat out of the bag among the pigeons, out of its shell and straight into the china shop. No need to tread gingerly, the hypermodern lifestyle taste speaks for itself.
We’ve turned the aromatics up to 11; pronounced top notes, a smooth defined middle and a punchy bass – indeed a symphony. It rocks! The super-tasters employed during its gestational interlude from the perfume, tea, and other sensory trades could find nothing to improve. Whether used as a mixer with soda or tonic water and so on, in cocktails – or neat – Two Fingers Gin will delight your suite of gustatory synapses.
And again, Stoney Goose Ridge found the inspiration easily. We’re weary of viewing the abhorrent nasty necrotic novelties in this market – their jarring kitschy cutesy packaging and cringe-worthy brands. For example, there is even an entire so-called category called London Dry Gin. We urge Governments to take immediate punitive action to prevent this misleading and deceptive nomenclature, as there are seriously disturbing trade practices implications. For example, gin is a liquid- how can it be dry? The science is overwhelmingly conclusive. Next, some of these gins are alarmingly not even manufactured in London. The laxity of legislative law and enforcement failures appals. But enough providing plentiful publicity for these quasi-legal operators and their corruptly contemptible cavalier morality.
Distinctively, Stoney Goose Ridge has generously supported international stars such as Jennifer Lawrence, Ed Sheeran and Lydia Ko. Within Australia, Ashleigh Barty, Anna Torv , Chris Hemsworth, Delta Goodrem, and many more. And our ongoing support of emerging talent – sporting, cultural, scientific and philanthropic. Wherever anonymous philanthropic donations are made to charitable foundations, expect Stoney Goose Ridge has a finger or two in the pie, through contra, ambassadorial time, wealth management conceptual analytics, and other typically patronising endorsement endeavours.
Stoney Goose Ridge provides a fulsome complete service with our complementary suite of phenomenal products – wines, beers and now, spirits, proudly supporting communities with our GST payments, plus the enormous fiscal contributions we make to society via other apparently unavoidable levies.
Again we will triumph with these boutique hand-crafted limited-batch beauties, which will sell in droves of proverbial gang-busting hot cakes, providing joie de vivre to the max, and the masses.
Stoney Goose Ridge has distinguished itself through continual ISO six-sigma excellence; this duo of two non-identical twin spirits, The Old Wood Duck, and sublime Two Fingers Gin join the family panoply of product proudly produced by professional practitioners. Personally parcelled persuasive portable POS paraphernalia will be profusely provided provisionally, pending potent promotional process performance partnership purchase plans.
Watch the spirit shelves shrink, as The Old Wood Duck and Two Fingers Gin take their putative place on the tables, cabinets, sideboards, bar carts and cupboards throughout this proud land, and our growing number of export licensed markets. Stoney Goose Ridge’s spirits will displace the puny pretenders, and grace any situation with the characteristic panache and aplomb already familiar through our existing multitudinous beers and exemplary wines.
Drink responsibly in moderation – drink Stoney Goose Ridge!