stoney goose ridge

Stoney Goose Ridge unleashes the Limbo. How low can you go?

~ Richard ~ Leave a comment

Apart from their obtuse and obnoxious personalities, our competitors have an authoritative talent deficit combined with an unerring capability for making costly mistakes. If their usual lethargy and bureaucracy permit, when they ludicrously over-celebrate an undeserved accidental win, everyone else knows an omnishambles debacle is imminent.

Stoney Goose Ridge’s Hipster’s Reward, our sparkling Petty Nat and Cloudy Hay! lo-fi wines continue to deliver outstanding satisfaction to their target markets.  But there is room for more. After all, why should wine-drinkers seeking the wild roller-coaster ride of skinsy, orange natural wines in their unadorned no-fi state pay more for that privilege to those posing as well-meaning amateurs? There are exceptions to this generalisation but it’s like trying to spot birds in the dark in a country with very few birds.

The keywords for those wines – “funky” (aka faulty), “left-field” (aka faulty), “experimental” (aka faulty) and many, many more – depict defects as virtues.  It’s hard to make naturalistic wines that can withstand the faculties of disinterested, properly trained wine critics – unless like Stoney Goose Ridge you know the basic fundamental principles.

Supporting the excessive lifestyle and pompous bombast of semi-amateur whacko cranks (and companies posing as such) is not part of the Stoney Goose Ridge mission.

How those folk can support their influencer greed without damage to their conscience is a monstrous fraud on wine drinkers. Spouting the buzzwords about eco-inclusion, bio-sustainability, holistic wellness, restorative harmonic practices, handcrafted resonances, niche terroir, neo-organic, creative green well-being and other metaphysical mystic ambiguities are messages for “Danger, Will Robinson!”

So, the Limbo raises the bar to make a monumental statement. It’s as lo-fi as we can abide, minimal handling with token sulphur added at bottling, merely to ensure some shelf life and avoid assorted export labelling shenanigans. It’s sensual with outstanding tactility.

After sampling the Limbo against various market alternatives, focus groups swore they would no longer bother with competitors. They were astonished at its value proposition USP. “We’ll never waste our money on that other crap again” was one unsolicited comment.

The label of Limbo is also strikingly creative. Once more we outsourced the concept to the justly celebrated artiste Binksy, who curated a strikingly post-modern design without being stereotyped, lurid, unimaginative, repulsively offensive, puerile or any combination that are regrettably prevalent.

Further, rather than pitching the price of the wine above its alleged peers, Stoney Goose Ridge takes its usual incisive moral high ground, When I floated this brainwave at our skeletal market and sales experts, they recommended a price of at least $25. I am firmly a hands-on CEO and put my foot down to restructure their proposed pricing positioning principle in extremis. My merciless interventions in matters of grammar, fact, and taste are unparalleled.

I, Hector Lannible, am supremely confident that Stoney Goose Ridge’s wallet-friendly pricing determination of the Limbo will drive competitors to the wall, That’s the natural selection paradigm of capital market competition, and a very fair and reasonable outcome that benefits consumers. Channels not stocking the ultra-high-quality Limbo are covert fellow-travellers egregiously supporting outrageous customer rip-offs. They should be shamed and boycotted.

The 2024 Stoney Goose Ridge Limbo (fields-blend) RRP AUS $14.99 will be available from the usual stockists – hip bars, cafes, restaurants and quality liquor merchants.

The Essential Cookbook – winning recipes for humans

~ Richard ~ Leave a comment

Hector Lannible (ed), SGR publications, hardback, 628 pages RRP (AUS) $29.95.

Reviewed by Ramsay Oliver

Hector Lannible is (obviously) the flamboyant, extroverted CEO of Stoney Goose Ridge wines. Like him or loathe him – as many do – he generates abundant press releases, media appearances, and seemingly comments on anything remotely related to alcohol, and business in general. And the company he fronts brazenly launches new wines every few months and has also unleashed a range of “craft” beers, spirits, cocktails, ciders, spritzers ad infinitum.

With hindsight, the appearance of this cookbook from Stoney Goose Ridge was inevitable. Not aimed at five-star fine dining, it promises all the basics across various cuisines.

The introduction is densely packed with the Hector’s typically convoluted syntax, replete with nuggets of insight. Recipes were “willingly contributed by staff at Stoney Goose Ridge (not AI, remembering Moravec’s Paradox) and road-tested by our hard-to-please marketers. No “ghost-writers” were employed, and all profits – if any- will be donated to charity. Even though we have plenty on our plates and palates, when we spotted a gaping chasm in the culinary landscape, we applied our intellectual muscle to lever it apart. Happily, our HR team is not bloated with inwardly fixated “wokeaholics” and they welcomed this text’s NFP contribution to humankind’s QOL.”

The book opens easily and lies flat; the binding, paper quality, typography and photography are exemplary. The format and layout are excellent; each recipe lists ingredients, preparation and cooking time, steps involved; there are further variations, shortcuts and alternative ingredients listed.

The recipes are cunningly presented with compact lists of ordinary ingredients – not long lists of exotics such as “caramelised seaweed,” “rock-lobster filet” or “braised watermelon” and includes stunning photographs. There is no need for dehydrators, liquid nitrogen or sous-vide. There is no need for complex deboning, or skills only acquired and maintained through relentless practice. The dishes all look delectable. Many recipes include wine as an ingredient- and it’s no real surprise that the recommended but sensible and imaginative  wine matches focus solely on Stoney Goose Ridge’s extensive array of bewildering and fancifully named wines- for example Chamsecco, Hipster’s Reward, Emoh Ruo, Bin 666, Miraculous Maximus Technoplex®,  (and of course their beers – including One Tasty Blonde, Bullant Lager and Brett’s Ale,  spirits- 2 fingers gin, the old wood duck vodka – plus an array of cocktails including the Sonic Screwdriver and Molotov.

There is an excellent, varied selection of recipes that cover finger foods, enticing entrees, mighty mains, decadent desserts, and diversions to kids korner, slurpy soups, awesome accompaniments, budget breakfasts and fancy fast food, even “vegetarian variants”. Recipes are marked where they are gluten-free or vegan-friendly; there is a highly useful index, with links to you-tube help and inevitably- the Stoney Goose Ridge website.

There is a section on “cooking tools you need” covering pots, knives, and so forth; and pantry essentials with even pages on suggested recipe sets for family feasts, dinner party ideas and “date nights.” Plus, a guide on what to do with leftovers, and presentation tips.

Recipes include helpful hints, and “cheat suggestions” which may involve substitutions or use of packet, or tinned ingredients.

There is even a recipe for Wombat stew. I expected a variant of the clichéd cockatoo soup (take cockatoo and a stone, simmer for 3 hours, throw away cockatoo, season to taste, enjoy!) but this was more subtle “select your wombat, leave it alone” and follows with a complete recipe featuring “mock wombat” with an optional ingredient of “seedless passionfruit”. Someone at Stoney Goose Ridge has a sense of humour (unlikely to be Hector).

Overall, it’s an ultra-high-class version of a school or community cookbook. I have cross-checked many of their recipes and they haven’t been “homaged” from the internet, or “liberated” from the oeuvre of well-known chefs or textbooks – they seem genuine. One can certainly quibble – how many recipes for Schnitzel does the world need? Even though this actual recipe lists chicken, veal, or pork, includes steps on breadcrumb (and other coatings), and techniques with variations that cover shallow and deep frying and a vegetarian alternative.

I essayed four different dishes- they all worked splendidly; instructions were clear, preparation and cooking times were accurate, and the results were surprisingly edible, and looked similar to the photos.

And embedded in recipes are some sidenotes with arresting titles such as “why do restaurants use so much salt?” with the answer “many chefs’ tastebuds are dulled by repetitive tastings of dishes- they find it easier to revive their jaded senses by adding more salt instead of trusting the quality of the base ingredients. Further, countless chefs are smokers, addicted to sensory overload.” Another note on organic, biodynamic, and natural stresses ingredient quality rather than reliance on the alleged virtues of “hands-off” and misleading labels including artisanal, organical and biogeneric. There’s passion in these outbursts.

As a professional, I could quibble about the relative balance  of recipes – plenty about getting basics right- rice, potato, various breads and not enough about varied curries plus the editor is clearly not a fan of sauce toppings “often used to make the dish look special and to further heat the ingredients below, seldom adding any magical improvement”.

So why am I uneasy?

Perhaps it’s the ubiquity of Stoney Goose Ridge; wine, beer, spirits and now books. Are they trying to be Apple, Amazon, or Google? Is it the relentless personality cult surrounding Hector Lannible, his bizarre but arrestingly memorable phrases and ceaseless self-promotion? Or am I secretly jealous of his company’s rapid rise to stardom; their lucrative export successes or frustrated by Hector’s semi-articulate ramblings.

Is it that regardless of the thousands of specialised and general cookbooks, and despite its hyped claims of “making cooking, affordable, simple and delicious” a book like this truly didn’t exist? And further, it emerged from the unlikely left-field global tentacles of Stoney Goose Ridge?

Grudgingly, I’ll admit the book (over)achieves all its aims and will be an incredibly useful, inexpensive addition- and replacement- to the cooking libraries of countless households. For many, it will be their first, last and indispensable guide- it’s a lot more than cooking 101. And its price redefines value.

I expect that this volume will sell like hot cakes; not merely because it will be displayed prominently and unavoidably – I just wish that this endeavour was produced by a real, live individual rather than the impersonal corporate clutches of Stoney Goose Ridge; but they have actually provided a terrific, surprising, inspirational work. Hats off!

Ramsay Oliver is internationally renowned for his numerous books, TV shows, and worldwide inspirational culinary influence.

Stoney Goose Ridge mid-year review end 2023

~ Richard ~ Leave a comment

While we enjoy the merry festive pause, my own family had a short break ski-ing in Aspen and Niseko, sandwiched with essential productive networking. While my bonus was appropriately substantial, several other staff members also enjoyed a lesser bounty. Now that batteries are recharged, we are ready for complete sacrificial commitment throughout 2024.

After another awesome six months, I can admire some of the highlights.
Key financial results (sales, profit, ROI, cost reduction etc etc)- tick!
CSG metrics– tick, once more.
Legals, contracts – Tick plus!
Wheeling, dealing, acquisitions, influencing, blending directions – my forte- Gold medal.
Data analytics transubstantiation – Huge tick.
My lean support team (PA’s, driver, pilot, stylist, biographer) – Double tick.
Recruitment, promotions and discards, plus professional development – Big tick.
Supply chain efficiencies – tick
Social media metrics, brand strength, customer obsession measures– Monster tick.
Awards – media campaigns, product QA fabrication, PR, accounting improvements – Tick , of course.
New markets and growth, new products, new customers – mega tick again

Stoney Goose Ridge added one new cocktail to our stellar range of pre-mixed drinks – the revolutionary Molotov (vodka, tequila, cherry, tomato and raspberry); debuted the Bin 666 Fortified, plus our select multi-origin Italian IGT wine blends the NFI (Nero, Freisa, Inzolia) and NFT (Nebbiolo, Frappato, Teroldego). All these colossal strides have increased our market footprint.

And our DRC range has gained traction within our target audience of the hyper-wealthy mega-rich whales- oligarchs, tycoons, moguls and of course music and cinema stars (Chateau Left Feet has been completely oversubscribed).

Stoney Goose Ridge staff willingly execute my inspiring whirlwind of fresh ideas, the drumbeat of innovations driving durable profit growth. My visionary decision-making is part of my critical role nurturing our workforce, and I trust the top talent of my hand-picked executive team to fast-track my initiatives.

I welcome new recruits to our business family – they will prosper under my micro-guidance. And I bid farewell to those that lacked sufficient ability and stamina to meet their responsibility matrix KPI targets – they were demonstrably not the smartest knives in the pack.

While the drinks industry struggles with the ongoing crippling financial demands of Governments, and the unrelenting complexity of legislation and its opaque interpretations, we are comforted that our rivals are essentially clueless and fully occupied by hindsight; paying the penalties repeatedly while our entirely legal corporate structure permits us to sidestep many of the hurdles and pitfalls. Plus, our adversaries continue to be diverted by China, COVID, WFH and whimsies de jour. Stoney Goose Ridge has never, and will never bother with the bulk wine market – wafer-thin margins are anathema to our ethos.

Our inept competitors only move the needle in panic when facts on the ground become writing on the wall; their leaders’ narcissism, ignorance, personality cults and inward focus should cement their position in the pantheon of corporate infamy. Hunting for the missing link that joins the dots, their strategies amount to random, but persistent bungling. How did they get into trouble? Gradually, then all at once! I thank them for their myriad efforts.

Our track record of anticipating workplace trends holds us well while volatile macroeconomic headwinds impact the momentum of our omniversal strategy within the hyperdynamic global marketplace. I anticipate the pull-forward of our targets, accelerating our foreshadowed plans. Concomitted refinance steps have improved our liquidity, increasing the covenant headroom to reflect our potential earnings environment. This positions us ideally to gather distressed assets from our inept rivals, for derisory rock-bottom bargain-basement prices.

I anticipate writedowns of their bloated inventory, as their warehouses of stock sink in a fire-sale.

Remember, don’t agree until I finish speaking – and all I ask for is what I deserve.
Your illustrious, charismatic CEO, Hector A Lannible.

Stoney Goose Ridge triumphs again

~ Richard ~ Leave a comment

Direct from CEO Hector Lannible “Recently Stoney Goose Ridge launched several epic, iconic releases sourced from Italy.

The 2020 Stoney Goose Ridge NFI went ballistic, selling like gang-buster hot cakes. Made from Nero d’avola, Freisa and Inzolia, this innovative non-DOC IGT is a fitting tribute to honourable Italianate society traditions. With my first foray into the assemblage of these varieties, the winemaking team was amazed by my incisive insights. They respectfully saluted “the Godfather.”

Its non-identical wine sibling – the 2020 Stoney Goose Ridge NFT (Nebbiolo, Frappato, Teroldego) was another complete triumph for my vinous blending mastery, which naturally translated into a barnstorming sales impact. Don is good! With my timely stimuli, our marketing turbo-charged the customer buzz into a torrential crescendo.

Due to market forces – and export incentivisation – both wines have very limited distribution inside the EU. The raging success of these two new wines presents a further management conundrum to source raw materials for the inevitable follow-ups in greater quantity.

Meanwhile, our CAGR improves, our omni-multiverse channel brand footprint resonates with our fanatical supporter base, activity-based rostering exerts downstream pressure on costs, and our group optimisation initiatives are applauded by analysts. Our JIT fulfilment logistics platform is world-class. I accept the numerous awards and deliver keynote addresses without being diverted from my brand growth mission.

I am astounded at the incompetent antics of our rivals, and their boundless capacity for wealth destruction. Their various initiatives need serious rebranding- I suggest Bottomless Pit, Fiasco, FUBAR, Never-never, White Elephant, and WOTAM. In fact, efficiency would dictate using these names at the start of their “strategic pillar-building customer focussed projects.” Truly, these deserve
“how not to” case studies not just at MBA level, but tertiary and secondary levels. Abysmal and appalling are the relevant tags.

Just recall the company that lusted after the success of Aperol. They created a suitable concoction, label, bottle, campaign and so on. Any misgivings about branding during development were crushed by their ruthless, clueless leaders. Chimperol had TV, press and billboard advertising showing the glamourous actors cheerfully saying “chim chim.” Assorted lawsuits and public opprobrium swiftly followed, with immediate disappearance of the product. But did any heads roll? Anyone fall on their sword? Lessons learned?

Participants in similar debacles were blind to the ticking timebombs that were water under the bridge, afterwards seeking the smoking gun of the karma bus that derailed and sank the projects. I wait for our competition to experience a cyber-attack, their negligible precautions exposed as they fixate efforts on PR bloatware to pump up their tyres.

Our tone-deaf competition seeks Stoney Goose Ridge’s secret success sauce, but their half-baked emulations rebound in an avalanche of epidemic proportions. Whitewash is their sole forte when rewarding their inept Boards and executives with unmerited fiscal largesse for their progress backwards.

The Stoney Goose Ridge range including beers, wines, spirits, mixers, and spritzers are all grist to our mill, delighting customers worldwide with their core quality and value attributes. Our customers spread the gospel of our staples, and are anxious to sample our new offerings. They are never disappointed, thanks to the hand-chosen talent that conveys my heroic inspirational leadership.

Very little surprises me; the greed, vanity and stupidity of our rivals; the bleating of vested interests, widespread nepotism, wasteful, bloated Government contracts, ineffective, pointless and innumerable conflicting laws, plus media attention on trivia.

One recent example is the agenda to stop the “misleading and deceptive” advertising and sale of plant-based “meats,” and almond and soy “milk.” What next – ban peanut butter? Are there any other urgent and important issues?

At Stoney Goose Ridge, challenges are confronted, and resolved. There is the ongoing quest for talent, battling oppressive taxation regimes and wowsers with “health” crusades, finessing bizarre ever-changing labelling requirements, and the numbing legal slowness preventing collection of the massive damages we anticipate winning through multitudinous cases across numerous jurisdictions. Add the usual attention around staff development, mentoring and performance reviews. Plus, the monster problem of sourcing high-grade material – at the right price – to meet ongoing demand throughout our beverage portfolio, while continuing the uber-innovative program of stunning new releases. We all put our shoulders to the grindstone.

Stoney Goose Ridge – under my sublime stewardship – drives to another record-breaking half-year, steamrolling the opposition, with bonanza bonuses for the deserving. Our unofficial theme song is “we are the champions!”

Your renowned CEO, Hector Lannible”

Hector’s Stoney Goose Ridge annual report

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Stoney Goose Ridge EOY round-up 2022-23
Another year is over, with another well-deserved bonus for me. In fact, several employees also received small remuneration supplements after my distribution dwindled the incentive pool. I welcome several recent hires who bring outstanding investment management pedigrees, client orientation and result perspectives. This will supplement the vision of my own hardcore lens across the mercantile business entities.

Apart from the contributions of remaining staff, I particularly thank my supporting team – personal trainer, stylist, PA’s, chauffeur and biographer. Stoney Goose Ridge could not have completed its most successful year ever without their capacity to broadcast my inspirations and motivations down and across the organisation.

Our liquidity covenant headroom holds us in good stead. This enabled us to gather distressed assets (and alternative assets) of our suppliers and competitors. When opportunity knocks – however faintly – I swoop to conquer.

Meanwhile recent wine vintages have been difficult.  But the tide has gone out and we can see the finish line downstream. As ever, our competitors are awash in financial morasses, ethical scandals and gropethink. But their ongoing incompetence is astonishing. Whenever a new executive embarks on a myopic “listening tour”, I am amazed at this cavalier waste of time and money (WOTAM), bleeding their budgets while merely pumping the spurious hubristic tyres of their egos, while they seek glittering baubles of adoration. Caught in a web of their vacuous hyperbole, sponsoring their fancied hobby-horses so they can “network” in corporate boxes and mingle with A-Z grade rent-a-celebrities. Conflict of interest is an unknown concept, as they swim in related-party interest-free loans and outrageous share incentives. Stoney Goose Ridge is comprehensively vigorously vigilant in highlighting these numerous disgraceful shortcomings to media, courts, and Governments – any inaction concerning their overt transgressions is clearly due to nepotism and corruption.

While it’s difficult to make predictions – especially about the future – the inane blathering and forecasts about industry trends by the so-called leadership teams of my so-called peers truly makes astrology seem respectable. Their SNAFU strategies seem to consist of convoluted 360-degree U-turns, supported by inane puff-pieces propagated by “journalists” swilling in the trough of junkets on the gravy train.

Meanwhile at Stoney Goose Ridge, cashflow, customers and margins remain king! My team is wheeling and dealing 24/7, augmented by my magisterial managerial and marketing mentorship.

Our innovative legal section continues to thrash its way gathering punitive exemplary damages and colossal compensation, with selective use of no win-no fee, its caseload bulging with success. Add their sterling work on exploiting tax minimisation loopholes and extracting grants, subsidies etc and they fully deserve their incentivised remuneration packages.

Our rolling recruitment program (Project Android) continues to progress filling inevitable vacancies due to wastage, attrition and footprint expansion in our high-talent pool. We are ready to head-hunt in all glamour areas – taxation minimisation, legals, accounting and financial analysis, data mining, sales motivation, social media freneticism – even mundane beverage fabrication and nurturement. Project Medusa has had significant impacts in successfully tarnishing the image of “celebrity brands”, exposing their shameful peccadilloes, legal battles and infamous photos, videos, tweets and cover-ups. Project Klingon continues to bear fruit, seeding new markets in preparation for Stoney Goose Ridge by establishing beachheads in hostile markets. We take no prisoners, and fully enjoy routing the opposing forces and smashing the fragile force-fields shielding their mediocre, subsidized, overpriced alcoholic confections.

I refuse to allow regulatory straightjackets or ludicrous “sin” taxes to stifle our trajectory momentum. I am busy with full-frontal head-high evidence-based persuasive tackles on impediments, forensically renowned for woking up bureaucrats and legislators for the benefit of their stakeholders – which incidentally includes Stoney Goose Ridge.

New releases
We continue to extend our fully trademarked DRC (Decisive Real Champions) range. This is – yet another – of my passion projects, my inspirations assisted by a team of researchers (interns, work experience, trainees, juniors, etc), using atypical standard beverage industry data-mining tools of property and tax records, electoral rolls, local landmarks, genealogy and so on. In short, years of collaborative toil following the discovery process, all purposed to vindicate the evident connection to the wines’ inherent nomenclature.

These are very serious wines not akin to the well-known Randall Grahm’s Bonny Doon whimsies (Cardinal Zin, Big House Red, Old Telegram, Le Cigare Volant, Il Fiasco, Clos de Gilroy etc etc) and absolutely not droll copycats like Fairview’s Goats do Roam and Goat Rotie.

We have stringent lease/buyback/profit-sharing arrangements for new plantings and winemaking allied with my profound involvement in the assessment and triage. The following wines will be progressively released over the coming twelve months when I deem marketing conditions are apposite.

  • Clos de la Rocks
  • Clos de Lampreys
  • Clos de Tar
  • Clos du Marky
  • Chateau Cannon
  • Chateau Fig-axed
  • Chateau Hugh Bryan
  • Chateau la lagoon
  • Chateau Left feet
  • Chateau Leo’s Villa las Casa
  • Chateau Mountain rockslide
  • Chateau Oz-owned
  • Domaine D Jack
  • Maison Lee Royal
  • Paul Rodger (only col fondo at this stage)
  • Quinta do Novel
  • Coast gorse
  • Seeming Legal
  • Vega sans Silica
  • Blass Phillip
  • Hill of grass
  • Mount Marty

What a sublime collection! Labels have been embossed with respectful and entirely legal homage to what might have accidentally inspired them, by the celebrated artiste Binksy. Sublime quality is certain. Mega award-winning presentation, individually numbered, with a personally hand-signed certificate of authenticity. In some examples there are only three barrels; at best only ten barrels, with the wines truly expressing their natural micro and macro sub-terroir characters, under fully sustainable biogeneric principles.

These DRC wines are all made in minuscule quantities and destined for our extreme high-rolling net worth whale collectors – financiers, oligarchs and so forth; members of our exclusive 88 club.

Branding and diversity update
Adventure afar (AA), celebrates our retargeted strategic global premiumisation thematic, with omnichannel touchpoints including packaging, POS, OOH, digital, experiential, social and events across key live markets. Media partners and our global customer audience adore this refreshed conceptual vitality framework plus its adjacency synergies defined across the metaverse.

Stoney Goose Ridge is exclusively disruptive and inclusive, expanding our respected x-culture generational power brand, transcending beverage categories, catering for the rising value category of the Luxuriant culture pioneer. The halo of our premium luxury icons brandlines transcendently cascades through other fully balanced price-point ecosystem categories.

Our social media impact is gargantuan, almost as stunningly impressive as our carbon-neutral green offset aspirational framework principles.

I am proud of our diversity; it’s not a matter of numbers and categories- we have a startling range across full-time, part-time and casual employees, and (where permitted) commission-only – with wide-spread age-ranges.  We have direct employees, contractors, agents and consultants. We have a range of academic qualifications, varying from rudimentary to those bursting with multiple tertiary degrees (such as myself). Salaries, wages, entitlements and bonuses are extremely disparate. Personnel are based in a (growing) number of countries, with varied ethnic, demographic, linguistic and supplementary characteristics. We respect that staff have private, personal lives that we support to the extent that they never interfere with their agreed committed contractual KPI obligations.

We only lack diversity in talent. We recruit with mutually understood expectations that all levels entirely execute their deliverables. This requires attitude and unrelenting application. Staff are fully supported through our appropriately infamous up-skilling in-house development programs. Further, all personnel know they have access to my Holmesian problem-solving skills, experiential omnipotence, communication excellence and unfailing intuition.

Conclusion
My favourite question? How quickly can you increase my allocation of Stoney Goose Ridge?

Your revered hyper-aggressive leader, Hector Lannible

New releases from Stoney Goose Ridge

~ Richard ~ Leave a comment

Stoney Goose Ridge is thrilled to announce new releases, which were quietly gestating on the backburner. Now, even more marquee products will light up the runway, and satisfy our want-it-now, get-it-now (WINGIN) customers.

First, an extension to our existing range of luminous premixed cocktails -this one is based on a blend of vodka and tequila with a tinge of red from cherry, tomato and raspberry;  a revolutionary radical creation, with a fiery kick – the Molotov. In a handy re-usable container.

Also one new wine with a fascinating story – it’s one that an employee tried to keep secret during its genesis, until inevitably I discovered it. My spreadsheet prowess found some almost imperceptible anomalies, and a snap on-site audit led to the immediate dismissal of the culprit. Civil action for fraud will follow with inevitable financial detriment for the former staff member with punitive earnings garnishees sought. All inadvertently associated with this enterprise in any fashion have been counselled and disciplined in extremis.

I had to stage an heroic nuanced intervention to significantly improve the wines inherent magical character. Because of its dubious origins, Stoney Goose Ridge sacrifices this wine to avoid a backdoor fire sale. Now be thankful.

2021 Stoney Goose Ridge Bin 666 Vintage fortified Touriga/tempranillo/durif
It’s a devil-may-wine. Dark and monstrous, with a deep black massive soul, with burning fiery (heads) spirit. Best left in a dark place, or consumed while reading Aleister Crowley or HP Lovecraft, while listening to Santana’s supernatural, Credence’s Pagan Baby, Grateful dead, Black Sabbath, or any other faustian heavy grindcore gothic death metal. Or watching the Exorcist, Angel Heart, or the Seventh Seal. Very Limited release in selected areas. I put a spell on you. Ageless, irresistible, tempting, Classic, with a label worthy of its heritage. RRP (AUS) $88.88

CEO,  Hector Lannible

Momentous archaeological discovery will rewrite history

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Emeritus Professor Albert Pedant (PhD) hosted a packed press conference in Jerusalem on April 1, 2023 with media attendance from around the globe. Here is the transcript.

“Welcome everyone, this is a historic occasion that you will long remember. I’m sorry that this was the largest venue with media facilities available at short notice; the recent leaks and ill-informed speculation forced a response about a significant archaeological discovery.

Firstly, obviously the materials were found some months ago, but arranging and conducting the necessary scientific analyses took some time; as did security and administrative essentials. But at last, I can officially make this announcement.

You will doubtless know that I have had oversight of archaeological investigation at various sites throughout the Middle East. This includes Khirbet Qana (Cana), in Israel. This broader site is now managed by Israel and has been sporadically unofficially excavated since the 1870s. Recently, ground-penetrating radar revealed several small underground pockets, which led to increased focus on one particular portion of the current site.

Given that the cavern was only a few cubic metres in volume, extremely meticulous care was taken by the experienced team of Dr Henry Jones in parsing the mixed sand, gravel and rocks.  There were remnants of a room, with surviving sections of mudbrick and timber walls. The “hero” find however was one ceramic pot. Amazingly, the contents had not evaporated. It contained just over three gallons (eleven litres) of liquid. Analysis showed this fluid had an alcohol, sugar, and acidity content consistent with wine, and had been preserved with some covering of straw, cork, and olive oil, protected by the constant temperature and humidity of its special underground location.

Alas, only one intact amphora was located in the storeroom, with many shards of other pots in close proximity. There was uncertainty about its age, but thermoluminescence and moisture recombination dating methods provided evidence that the pot was around two thousand years old. The glaze, patterns, and colours were consistent with established specimens from AD 10 – AD 50.

Hebrew characters carved on the side of the jar were likely the name of the potter, (or the owner’s).  The storeroom also contained seeds, papyrus, charcoal, and fabric fragments which provided unambiguous contemporaneous support for the pot’s authenticity and provenance. Two low-value Roman coins were found, and although badly damaged, x-ray and other tests of their underlying images and metallic composition confirmed their concurrent age.

Further, radiocarbon dating methods on the parchment fragments, the timber frames, and bricks yielded similar results. Sadly, fingerprints and DNA were unable to be detected.

Finally, several experts were then assembled to taste the vessel’s contents with no information supplied, other than extreme age of “several centuries”. The professionals’ comments included “remarkable, ethereal, haunting”. When informed that the liquid was at least one thousand years old, agreement was unanimous that the (understandably) pale fluid was in sublime condition given its antiquity. “It’s the oldest wine I have ever had the privilege of drinking” stated Hector Lannible (CEO of beverage behemoth Stoney Goose Ridge) “and it’s not just a curio – it has memorable qualities”.

What makes the Cana find unique?
Pictures of wine drinking go back to the Standard of Ur (c 3000 BC), and early writings include medical papyri from Kahun (c 1900 BC), the Homeric texts (c 850 BC) and numerous “newer” references. But the wine in the amphora is the oldest drinkable sample of wine ever found. Microscopic traces of wine were found in a vessel from Mytros (Crete) dated to 2000 BC. And this Cana wine is also very different to the ‘Speyer Wine Bottle’ discovered in 1867 which held 1,700-year-old liquid that used to be wine (the alcohol had evaporated); its contents dubious and without vinous merit.

According to the New Testament (John 2:1-11 and various apocryphal records), Jesus, his disciples, and his mother were present at a wedding. After the wine ran out, at his mother’s prompting, Jesus turned the contents of six water pots into wine. The steward congratulated the bridegroom for holding the “good wine back”. The Cana contents are potentially from the water that was turned into wine by Jesus, in his first miracle.

There have been all sorts of scams, fraud and fakes involved with alleged biblical material. The shroud of Turin is a well-documented medieval fake. Relics incredibly include numerous bones, foreskins, multiple crowns of thorns, nails, pieces of the Cross, lances, and the grail. Indeed, I have been consulted concerning the authenticity of all sorts of unlikely artefacts allegedly owned or used by the child or adult Jesus (toys, including wooden marbles, and carved animals, sandals, dice, furniture, even impossibilities such as a hula hoop)!

But here we have another matter entirely. The storeroom’s provenance is established; it has been undisturbed for nearly 2000 years; its age has been verified by a variety of methods; finally, the wine’s existence is unparalleled. Other vessels of antiquity have been found – but any liquids are extremely meagre, and unsavoury. To, summarize, it is not definitely proven the wine was created by Jesus; but it is beyond reasonable doubt that finding this wine intact at Cana is extraordinary.

With all these confirmations, security at the dig site was ramped up, to deter theft, vandalism, overcrowding, attacks by religious extremists, drones, and so on.

Israeli Government reaction
There has already been enormous ill-informed commentary about what this discovery means. For some, it verifies the literal existence of Jesus and confirms his divine ability to perform miracles; for others, it’s merely the uncovering of some old wine in a long-abandoned township.

I properly, and promptly alerted the Israeli Government, and personally informed Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of potential ramifications. I know there were intense and passionate discussion among the parties represented in the coalition Government, and I was vigorously questioned. There were views that the discovery should be suppressed, as inciting division within Israel, as it could inflame religious tensions within the Middle East – and elsewhere.

Thankfully, the combined wisdom of science, political courage, history and academic freedom prevailed.

Understandably, this is a national, and international treasure.

As an Australian, this astonishing find is the pinnacle of my career as an historian, archaeologist, and researcher. I was in the right place at the right time – what a privilege!

And what now?
The Antiquities Bureau of Cana (ABC) has been established to

  • Ensure the safety and preserve the integrity of the artefacts – further scientific analysis is currently deemed unnecessary.
  • Prioritise submissions from the many institutes, scientists and scholars wishing to study the materials.
  • Continue excavations in the vicinity -although the immediate environs seem desolate of evidence of historic habitation.
  • Determine the conditions (if any) under which pilgrims will be able to view the artefacts (or replicas)

There is enough material extant to guarantee rigorous excavations over several decades and the forthcoming academic publications and musings will spur a total rewrite of history.

I am unable to take questions at this time; they can be submitted in writing to the ABC –which is the definitive, and only channel that can respond officially. They will soon distribute time-lapse images of the uncovering of the storeroom, and the survey of its interior.

Finally, I, Albert Pedant, am thrilled to have been an active participant in this extraordinary “miracle at Cana” and honoured to make this significant announcement”.

Stoney Goose Ridge CEO Hector Lannible’s EOY wrap of 2022 staff message, at last!

~ Richard ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a difficult but rewarding year.

In calendar 2022, I enjoyed quality family time with short breaks in Aspen and Milan plus some well-deserved long weekends at Noosa, Port Douglas, Cradle Mountain, Margaret River, Portsea and the Flinders Ranges.

For the staff that were allowed to WFH (with key-logging, CCTV and other supervisory requirements), doubtless this made it simpler to attend our family-friendly daily 7am Zoom briefings.

Travel restrictions from COVID have now eased, so my worklife has been largely consumed by essential reconnection to suppliers, agents, employees, trade and Government representatives. Add my keynote speeches at assorted conferences, TED, accepting the voluminous marketing awards, plus recent critical networking engagements at the Superbowl, Australian Open and elsewhere.

My relentless focus on margins continues – a combination of brand premiumisation, ruthless cost-cutting, maximising trade grants and subsidies, exploiting taxation loopholes combined with our renowned extraordinarily momentous litigious manoeuvres.

Bonuses
Obviously, nearly all staff had their bonus expectations annihilated, and received a laser lesson in my metric-driven expectations.  Those that did not achieve “satisfactory” ratings for their KPI deliverables had instant automatic access to alternate external opportunities, apart from serving out their extended unpaid non-competition periods. Several performance reviews migrated into exit interviews. I did however find one employee with startling achievements and foresight – and under my ongoing mentorship will be joining the executive leadership team with a revised title and remuneration package plus oppressive responsibilities.

My own bonus was not as monolithic as in previous years, despite careful escape from our assorted crypto holdings one week before they crashed. My ownership interest in Stoney Goose Ridge merely ratcheted up to 28%. Of course, I have sufficient assets to purchase the firm outright, but even with other investment opportunities, clearly, I have colossal skin in the game.

Distractions
I was also busy beating back persistent approaches by “Managing Partners” from the usual consulting firms, generally suggesting Stoney Goose Ridge employ their analytic expertise for nebulous and dubious “category development exploration”, “customer journey mapping” and “organisational re-alignment”. They somehow forgot the infamous bidding war for my services as a full partner while still at University; similarly, they assume I have no detailed knowledge – theory and practice- of 4S, TOSCA, MECE, Scamper, and other tools. And intimate access to the might of our data analytic practitioners. Perhaps they should note my MBA and observe that in my six-year tenure at Stoney Goose Ridge, EBIT has increased 5-fold, profit 12-fold, with killer brand awareness and loyalty. ROI, EPG, SEO, NAV etc ditto ad infinitum. Perhaps the consulting firms wish to garner and dissect our IP secrets of success? Regardless, they can return to their bunkers and recycle their dusty proposals to the gullible.

And I have leanly recruited talent while sweating our staff assets to the max. There was the usual voluminous barrage of multi-media CVs seeking employment, internships, cadetships, traineeships and work experience at Stoney Goose Ridge. Many called; few were chosen.

It is fortunate that the ineptitude of my competitors is astonishing. Their leaders and boards would achieve better results if they were replaced by sacks of potatoes – I could carve a banana with a stronger spine.  Decision-making, agility, and strategy- entirely absent. If you can’t cut the mustard, move to higher ground. Feathering their nests by milking their conflicts of interest. Their annual reports nonsensical prolix exemplars of self-serving hagiographic masterclasses in corporate doublespeak. Next step is replacing their press release puff-pieces of tripe via ChatGPT – if they are even aware. Their leadership excels in having much to be humble and modest about, bleating as they suffer the swings and harrows of outrageous fortune. What you see is all there is (WYSIATI).

When the China boom was lowered on their wine basket of nest-eggs, our competitors had to “pivot.” But changing horses midstream is a double-edged sword of Damocles. My cold, cold heart bleeds for our rivals- NOT.

Anyway, if through blind luck, nepotism or payola, a competitor’s beverage offers become successful, we have always been ready to expose the unethical or morally dubious antics of their brand ambassadors, thus eviscerating their labels – the inevitable consequence BOGOF offers and inventory write-downs. Or we create meaningful customer alternatives – such as Jason’s Creek, Cottage hill, Moister Bay, Black Rabbit, Shoeless, Gecko Falls, 16 Flames and Mellow Tale. Such is life, so it goes.

Launches
Stoney Goose Ridge also justly celebrated assorted non-wine SKU product launches:

  • premixed cocktails, not just the typical cosmopolitan, expresso martini, margarita, bloody Mary, old-fashioned, daiquiri, Mai tai, Manhattan, amaretto, negroni and mojito, but a few specials – the “leap into an open grave” and the “big orgasm”. Naturally our premium cocktail range leaves other producers in the shade, quality-wise, thanks to my interventions in their formulations.
  • Zero (and near-zero) alcohol beers and spirits, under our umbrella branding paradigms Less is more! and D’lite, not intended to satisfy the wowsers and abstinent self-flagellating martyrs of Feb-Fast, dry July etc, or the conspicuously affluent consumers. Again, our adversaries provide a flavour-deficit, with their infallible inability to deploy the sensitive assemblage of base material and technical interventions. We deserve wealth and recognition from providing feel-good healthiness to the abstemious.
  • Packaging into cans, pouches, growlers, paper and plastic bottles. If the market, margin and motivation is present, we launch! And we did – leveraging niches is part of our corporate mRNA.

And of course, our ongoing beers, ciders, spritzers and spirits sales are gangbusters.

Merch sales are also fantastic, with social media ablaze with influencers and followers flaunting Stoney Goose Ridge apparel in exotic locales. And our POS paraphernalia continues to dazzle customers.

Adventure afar (AA) is our retargeted strategic global thematic, with omnichannel touchpoints including packaging, POS, OOH, digital, experiential, social and events across key live markets. Media partners and customers adore this refreshed conceptual vitality framework.

Issues
My biggest challenge has been sourcing supply to cover the inexorable sales growth of Stoney Goose Ridge. There is no compromise on quality, and it is fortunate that the world is awash with excess stock, giving a wide supply source – if my quality hurdles are met and the price can be optimised for our margins. Truly I am absolutely unique, with creativity, vision, direction, unparalleled negotiating prowess and riveting determination to untangle the sludge in supply chain bottlenecks.

Dealing with the media and press – gutter and otherwise- seeking my profound iron-disciplined evidence-based insightful wisdom on the world of alcohol is as tedious as the junkets and contra they expect.

I spent several days embedded in woodshedding with our wine fabricational staff. They had prepared hundreds of sample blends, with exemplars of their components and accompanying spreadsheets.  Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but when the facts emerged, their judgements were proven wrong. They were predictably enthralled by my swift assessments and the massive improvements made through my blending mastery, admiring the Midas touch of my magic wand. There is no substitute for virtuoso genius, despite their obsessive analytical endeavours and constant requests for additional devices, soil mapping drones and variegated storage- even new barrels every year! (my accountant joke!)

Believe the HYPE
To my disappointment, there have been no new wine brands released from Stoney Goose Ridge since early last year with our record-breaking World Heavyweight Champion™. But here it comes.

We used Intercontinental blending material (ICBM) so Merlot from Bordeaux, Cabernet from China, and Carmenere from Chile, fully capturing the essence of their organic terroirs, and biodiversity paradigm.  And surprisingly, no component from Australia. As the premiere release, it was initially evaluated as ICBM #1. Appropriately, this uniquely revolutionary, ground-breaking contemporary concept is labelled “the Hype.” It comes with the usual proprietary QR, AR and a plethora of security devices to help further protect the iconic form of the Stoney Goose Ridge brand, prevent dilution from unauthorised copies and serve as a precedent across jurisdictions. Focus group participants begged to purchase the wine – for amounts well beyond its market tariff – as its sensuous aromatics, and sublime structural finesse flabbergasted their gustatory experiences.

Stoney Goose Ridge always wants its products to be available for our true hyper-dedicated fans, and it is priced at AU$ 38, NZ$ 41, US$ 26, GB£ 21 and €24. 2021 The HYPE is available from select outlets from 20 February, and of course via our multi-award-winning website.

And what a stunningly luminous collectable trompe-l’oeil label! The EOI for the 3D NFTs surge.

The wrap
There will be a barrage of typically glittering omni-channel launches in 2023.
Ubiquity is Utopia. Again, we celebrate our nimiblity – your motivational icon, Hector A Lannible

Hector and “minimal intervention” (NOB) wines

~ Richard ~ Leave a comment

I, (Hector Lannible) am constantly approached by business leaders, Government Ministers and the assorted press – gutter and otherwise- seeking my profound wisdom on the world of alcohol. My evidence-based, iron-disciplined views are justifiably notorious.

So let me settle one controversial wine topic once and for all.

NOB – (Natural, Organic, Biodynamic) – hipster voodoo nonsense, or planet-saving healthiness?

No-one can deny trends in the wine industry. Huge strides have been made in grapegrowing, winemaking and, of course, marketing. We know all about getting the “right varieties in the right places,” old vines, and the cult of auteur winemakers.

Lately we’ve seen growing customer distrust of industrialisation; a desire for intimacy and diminished manipulation. For the story behind the wines. For doing more with less.

And the makers of these nouvelle vague wines often proudly boast they carry no winemaking qualifications, no vineyard or winery. Every wine is more honest, more compelling, and more rewarding than tricked up soulless mass-market wine products.

Critics might describe the NOB market as virtue-signalling, sandal-wearing, vegan tree-huggers with electric SUV’s. But these people are missing the key benefit of natural wine.

We can get it into the market quickly, and at a premium price.

What more could we ask for? Cashflow is king! Why bother with the time involved to make “proper” sparkling wine, with years of maturation when you can whip out “prosecco” in a few months. And why bother with that, when a “pet-nat” can grace the shelves mere weeks after harvest?

And, of course, Stoney Goose Ridge could not ignore the lucrative sales, margins, brand-building and resultant boost to my bonus.

Our wine people are always itching to tinker with new techniques and gadgetry. Thanks to my uncanny exploitation of R&D tax breaks, we have ceramic eggs, amphorae, prepared ambient yeasts, and many other toys. Under my benevolent oversight, winemakers carefully curate small batches, and after my brutal assessments and improvement finesses, these can readily transformed be into commercial wine lake quantities.

Our first lo-fi, hands-off “orange wine” Hipster’s Reward®,  laid waste to somms, and customers across several continents, smashing sales records. Our selected winemaking ambassadors fronted the media – with minders – flaunting their beards, tattoos, and piercings. Non-male winemakers too.

It was a runaway success, where our only key problem was making more!

Organic and biodynamic wines often have annoying and, frankly, unnecessarily laborious certification processes, with competing authorities, and ambiguous rules. This is ideal for Stoney Goose Ridge! We claim to abide by the principles but see no need to be hamstrung by red-tape stifling innovation.

And we are sensitive to feedback, with our massed lawyers always eager to issue writs for defamation, with corrective and humbling apologies and punitive damages sought.

Of course, our mainline is mainstream wines, utilising all the tools that make such a difference in improving quality and decreasing costs; mini-ox, oak chunks, reversal osmosis, flowcross filtering and so on in the winery, and spraying with mega-drones, and mechanical trimming and grape collection.

We even made a wine to appeal to the fervent anti-NOBs, an interstellar opposite, the ultra-hi-tech dark horse Miraculous Maximus Technoplex®.

At Stoney Goose Ridge, we are indifferently agnostic to unquantifiable customer beliefs. We proudly cater for all market matrices  that provide momentum-bursting growth and profitability metrics.

A wine worth the weight

~ Richard ~ Leave a comment

As CEO of a global beverage company, every day has challenges – which I, Hector Lannible, broadcast to my staff at all hours, 24/7. Truly, my KPI intangibles are off the chart.

I was amazed to read recently that Jancis Robinson found a full wine bottle that weighed 2.043 Kg. My instant reaction was ‘That’s ridiculous’ and ‘surely we can do better!’

Many people believe impressively heavy wine bottles are a guarantee of inherent quality. Big is better. And filling market niches is the raison d’etre why Stoney Goose Ridge always has new wines in the pipeline ready to cascade to market.

Following Jancis’ inadvertent disclosure, I initiated yet another inspirational venture:

  • Create a massive heavy-weight bottle, and
  • Create a suitable flavour-packed wine worthy of this special package

Loyal customers thrilled when we released “The Black” a few years ago, a monumental flavour-bomb essence made from Zinfandel, Saperavi, Mataro, Durif and Tannat. Demand was ballistic.

But for this dreadnaught project we needed something completely different. I settled on the noblest variety: Cabernet Sauvignon – the undisputed King of Grapes – which I masterfully synergised with batches of Nebbiolo – acknowledged as a rival King.

Wood is good

With 100% new oak barrique maturation, this wine makes a profound statement. The cohort of Stoney Goose Ridge wine fabricators were again in awe of the outcome of my sublime virtuosic blending assemblage.

Considerable technical logistical challenges solved included manufacture of especially substantial glass bottles, extra-long Diam cork, the wax canopy, and the impressive, embossed label. All of these add lustrous icing to the cake. Our wine stands alone.

Unnecessarily restrictive Health & Safety restrictions mean this wine can only be packed in cartons of six bottles. But meritoriously, our prestigious hefty creation will survive a fall from a height of two metres.

When full, our new bottle weighs almost 2.5Kg, a 20% uptick and a giant progressive leap for the wine industry. Truly, we’ve set the hurdle at a new pinnacle for any vinous wannabe copycats. And that’s before we even get on to the sustainably harvested timber presentation case.

Marketing, branding and packaging awards are warranted, and I predict we’ll have to expand the trophy display warehouse. I can already hear the bleating squeals of tall-poppy jealousy. But once again Stoney Goose Ridge has snookered its competitors for a touchdown.

I’m sure we’ll attract specious dummy strawman objections on so-called “environmental” grounds. As if depriving consumers of freedom of choice helps the aspirational economic paradigm! That horse has firmly bolted from the starting blocks.

Serious responsibilities

Regardless, Stoney Goose Ridge takes its ESG obligations sanctimoniously, with developmental best-practice carbon offset, enlightened employment, and numerous evolutionary policies. To be totally clear: Stoney Goose Ridge is absolutely committed to the onboarding scoping process of its fungible MOU sustainability jurisdiction.

There is no doubt that our newest remarkable product is ground-breaking, and innovative. It stands alone as an outlier. Prodigious, and unchallenged. Olympian.

Which is why we have anointed it with the name World Heavyweight Champion™. Available right now from the finest retailers, it’s an impressive collector’s item, with both the package and its contents certain to provide admiration and enjoyment for years. It’s a guaranteed blue-chip super-premium icon luxury brand, unrivalled in its domineering attitude.

Pricepoint- wise, it is pitched within reach of memorabilia collectors, fine wine aficionados and the hyper-loyal Stoney Goose Ridge customer base. Internally, its value equation perfectly conforms to our stringent internal ROI pricing positioning metric margin principles. Plus it tastes great.

Long may this champion reign!

2020 Stoney Goose Ridge World Heavyweight Champion™ Cabernet-Nebbiolo.
RRP €60, £50.22, HK$531, $68US, $128AUS