April 1 release of the Unicorn

“Brainless, heartless, spineless, gutless, charmless and useless. But I don’t publicly use these descriptions of my competitors, especially when I have an astonishingly great breaking news announcement, said CEO Hector Lannible.

It’s rare but it’s not a myth. Well-heeled collectors often boast of their so-called “unicorn wines” – due to their cost, rarity or both. But under my dynamite stewardship at Stoney Goose Ridge, we continually break novel ground, transformationally disrupting the binary paradigm mindset, and today we launch the Unicorn into the firmament. It’s no myth – we have one. This is not a terminological inexactitude.

It’s the finest, most exclusive wine we make; a spectacularly curated selection of our top barrels, artisanised through our innovative proprietary technological wizardry.

It’s rarer than a (Northern Hemisphere) black swan, scarcer than hens’ teeth, and in shorter supply than rocking horse manure. The wine itself is obviously truly unique; a red wine from the noble Cabernet Sauvignon, with some Merlot and other varietals. It’s from a specifically unique terroir, a particular block we call Area 51, concealed from public view.

One of my numerous visionary ambitions for Stoney Goose Ridge was to create a compelling monument; several earlier attempts were declassified as not fulfilling my passionate quality aspirations, but this time I have drop-kicked the googly directly into the side-pocket to gammon the bout with a triple jackpot; at last now I proudly proclaim the impending debut of 2017 The Unicorn.

Crafted by our squadron of expert fashionistas, matured in superior oak, with all key decisions taken by myself, this wine will deservedly sell like wildfire, and even impress the legions of wine-writing toady freeloaders. Truly, I rolled the dice and came up trumps, smelling of roses. No shortcuts have been taken, no marketing expense spared, no stone left unadorned.

Although astonishingly supreme drinking already, the Unicorn will literally last for centuries if cellared under appropriate conditions, proving a long-lasting legacy for future generations.

Vegan-friendly, and fully biogeneric, the Unicorn is like finding a needle in a haystack under a blue moon on the twelfth of never at the end of the rainbow.

  • Each bottle is presented in a timber receptacle certified by sustainable forestry organisations.
  • Each individually-nomenclatured bottle is recyclable, and fully carbon offset neutral.
  • Each bottle includes a hoofprint of authenticity, with artwork inspired by the creature.
  • Each timber case contains a certificate (suitable for framing and display) commending the owner for their responsible purchase

Prepared under the indirect supervision of several RSPCA members, plus input from selected members of Zoos Australia, the World Wildlife fund, Amnesty International and Greenpeace, no animals were harmed in the manufactured assembly of this utterly glorious wine.

Some early reviews from some key columnists ….

“Yet another brazen barrage from the inexhaustible Stoney Goose Ridge; extraordinarily detailed, indeed lavish packaging, presentation and production. The wine is symptomatic of the producer’s style, and some may even be prepared to pay the piper.” (J ”Doc” Hallidae)

“Formidable box, bottle, certificate” (CM – Frontwine)

“Squarely aimed at a particular lucrative market niche, even down to the minuscule but accurate Chinese back label” (J. Olivier)

With an RRP of AU$140 (€88, £78, US$80), the Unicorn 2017 represents a valuable pathway entry to the stratospheric pantheon of upper echelon vinous beverages. This mega ultra-premium super-deluxe wine is affordable even to aspirational mass-market millennial gen X FMCG consumers, and is predestined as a lavish-appearing gifting reward. WYSIWYG. Alternatively, guests will be stunned by the magnanimous generosity of humanitarians prepared to sharingly broach the contents when it’s opened.

Truly, the Unicorn is a wine worthy of its origins, my own unrivalled, unparalleled creative genius and a worthy homage to immortal gravely endangered creatures. And it tastes just magnificent. All the usual rent-a-crowd misfit vinous scribblers will whole-heartedly fulsomely endorse its compelling virtues. Stoney Goose Ridge triumphs once more!

Importantly, for every bottle sold, with our culturally embedded philanthropic charitable ethic, Stoney Goose Ridge commits to donate $1 to the Unicorn Funding Organisation (UFO), for habitat rejuvenation. Additionally, our ensemble of tax magicians will ensure intangible magnification of counterbalanced downstream benefits.

Available from 1 April, and likely to sell out on the same day, do your duty to this blue planet, quickly rush to your nearest fine wine boutique for your piece of the Unicorn”.

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Xmas message from Hector Lannible, CEO of Stoney Goose Ridge

“It’s easy to dwell on our triumphant successes of Stoney Goose Ridge in 2018; the record growth in sales, ebitda improvements, the dizzying diverse media adulations, new export markets, the multiple launches of new product such as “Terra Nullius”, assorted prestigious wine packaging, marketing campaign and labelling awards, and my own increasing profiled notoriety. Our prolific social media optimisation strategizing continues to befuddle our opposition, with their advocates ineffectively minuscule in influence, visibility and credibility. Our SEO and SEM are bleeding edge.

But I couldn’t have achieved these profound triumphs without my subordinate employees ready, willing and able to act on my numerous compelling insights, decisive actions and time-critical unflagging guidance. Truly, my hand-picked executives owe their bonuses (if any) to my expert micro-management. Yes there is a “me” in “team”, and obviously my own stratospheric performance has been deservedly magnificently remunerated.

The sterling efforts of our team of legal, accounting and related personnel to locate further loopholes to minimise the dead hand of taxation as well as locating extra grants, subsidies, facilitation opportunities, export support and so forth – which we have taken complete advantage over- is extraordinary. The number of legal manoeuvres conducted in fiscal calendar 2018 stands at formidable record levels.

Obviously, Stoney Goose Ridge offers an increasing fan-base of loyal committed customers who continue to reap the benefit of our ever-growing over-delivering suite of labels, and enjoy the fresh taste sensations of our product brandline extension proliferations. This will continue- our data  tracking harvesting and analytics is profound; finding and exploiting any niche opportunities as well as provoking repeat purchase decisions. Brilliant outstanding excellence in customer satisfaction parameters always remains a critically important KPI priority. Our beverage facilitators must take credit for their professional competencies, that allied to my blending expertise embeds the mystique to our SKUs.

To the countless people submitting CV’s begging for consideration as unpaid interns, note that an MBA or equivalent is highly desirable; stellar achievement in multidimensional start-up  disintermediation or transnational taxation law will also meet with some approval. Few will find a position available, so I wish you well in future endeavours.

We exist in a market full of competitors, but if the Good Lord had wished them to prevail, they would have been bequeathed talent. They can only watch, and wonder “what happened?” as Stoney Goose Ridge rushes past, dwarfing their misplaced puny misguided efforts. Stoney Goose Ridge has rigorously exposed and vigorously highlighted the personal scandals, fiduciary lapses and reckless law-breaking of our rivals solely from the compulsions of our ingrained philanthropic social responsibility obligations.

On a personal note, my TED piece this year on “the China Syndrome” has deservedly been an internet sensation. It’s gratifying to be compared with Warren Buffett, Nelson Mandela and Cormac McCarthy , though I freely admit I have some distance to surpass their respective achievements, and the exultation they deservedly receive.  Plus, several of my own verbatim dictated spare-time fictional writings have been optioned by a Hollywood studio- but details are embargoed until final A-list casting decisions have been confirmed for these serial blockbusters.

There is always WIP.  Succession planning is incomplete – even mentoring my hand-picked executive subordinates has not yet seen a clear front-running pecking order emerge from the wolf-pack domain. So watch this space as we discard the dead wood in our ranks, and parachute in fresh talent eager to action my plentiful charismatic initiatives.

I particularly thank my small, lean, agile team of executive assistants, media liaison, stylists, publicists, administration support, legal services and biographers for their loyalty, and unflagging commitment to help me fulfil my entitled destiny.

Next year, Stoney Goose Ridge  will continue to unveil innovative alcoholic  beverage concepts and aggressively pursue double-digit momentum at a raw minimum. My opportunity lens is unshaken, aggressively leveraging domestic and international prospects continuously to allow Stoney Goose Ridge to double-down and move the needle forcefully.

To all our direct and indirect employees, agents, free-lancers, contractors, consultants, joint venture outworkers and partners, I wish you and your families a festively merry season, and may you return refreshed and enabled to put your best feet forward to the grindstone, offering your complete subjugation to my compelling vision.

In 2019, onwards to repetitive victories, your worthy leader – Hector”.

 

Terra Nullius

“At Stoney Goose Ridge, we are entirely fanatical about cutting costs. Imagine my outrage to discover an enormous cache of wine stored in an extremely vast tank!

It turned out that the person notionally in charge was understandably enamoured of Stoney Goose Ridge’s incredible multiplicity of exceptional beverages, but was wholly unprofessional in his excessive imbibing. He absolutely neglected his contractual fiduciary obligations. This is the same “character” that was responsible – through neglect and disregard of voluminous worksafe practices- for our semi-orange wine Hipster’s Reward, where only my inherent genius salvaged the situation and once more created a new worldwide brand of renown.

The personage in charge of this uncovered vinous malpractice has necessarily been summarily dismissed and assorted subsequent legal manoeuvres mean an end to his career in wine, or indeed any occupation involving responsibility. We wanted to keelhaul him over hot coals like a sitting duck, but had to be satisfied knowing his earnings will be garnisheed for decades.

Due to this person’s cavalier disregard for our extraordinarily accurate audit trail, we have been unable to determine very much about this wine. Despite our meticulous forensic analytic endeavours, we were confounded with its origins. Truly it seemed we had bolted the stable door after the chickens had flown. But I rolled the dice, and came up trumps, smelling of roses. This can of worms really put the icing on the cake.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating, and with my inspired creativity, Stoney Goose Ridge launches Terra Nullius.

As CEO, I, Hector Lannible, don’t know the grape varieties involved; I cannot be certain of the vintage or vintages; even the areas where the grapes are from is a mystery. We do not know what treatments this wine experienced, or their timings. But we do know, thanks to my subsequent ninja blending cunning, that this is now a great wine. If we could reverse engineer this wine, we absolutely would, but alas there are apparently limits to my virtuoso intellect and hyper-distinguished sensory exceptionality.

I triumphantly debut Terra Nullius, respectfully showcasing this country’s heritage.

This red wine is a user-friendly 12.5%, with minimal tannins to diminish enjoyment. Indeed, we encourage people to drink responsibly by having at least one extra glass of this noble wine concoction. Any why not? Its berry flavours – derived from processed Australian grapes and transubstantiated into an exceptional alcoholic brew – will baffle the cognoscenti, and fulfil the neophyte.

Terra Nullius – the great unknown, and of course the topic of intergenerational legal debate of astonishing complexity.

Yet for an RRP of $16, this one-off piece of history is available at all respectable liquor vending establishments, sitting proudly alongside the mouth-watering array of our other wines, beers and spirits.

Stoney Goose Ridge provides yet another phenomenal wine in its unique heritage pantheon that illustrates, respects and challenges the mythology of our mystical homeland antiquity – Terra Nullius”.

The China syndrome – exporting wine to Asia; insider advice

It’s no secret that many Australian wine producers and intermediaries are aiming to export wine into China.

Why? Firstly, it’s massive; China, with over 1.4 billion people dwarfs Australia in its population, and its growing prosperity. It has a vibrant marketplace, eager to sample the wines of the west. Its burgeoning middle-class millennials aspire to consume what used to be luxury goods but which are now affordable. The Australian free trade agreement made with China in 2014 has certainly stimulated developments.

While China also has vast wine grape plantings, so far, its wine quality results have been underwhelming, despite investment in technology and human capital in the form of flying winemakers’ eager to transfer their expertise to the locals – despite language barriers. And China has also been busy purchasing vineyards and wineries overseas- many in Bordeaux- and within Australia.

Hector Lannible, the CEO of Stoney Goose Ridge has expertly been dealing with China (and many other countries) for years; he expands on opportunities and pitfalls; here are some highlights from his keynote TED talk, made after his recent triumphs at Vinexpo 2018 in Hong Kong.

In the beginning
“I lead a wine business, but there are substantial crossover translatable elements for any business; really, it’s all very simple. Before my stellar MBA time, archaic marketing texts described the 4 P’s – product, price, promotion and place (distribution). Slightly more evolved models included positioning. But these over-simplified theories have been superseded by much more sophisticated analytic frameworks.

Today, I describe an innovative set of 4 P’s vital to success- in China, and universally. The prime factor is relationships- I call the first aspect people. You need to step up to the plate to kick goals.

All sides negotiating need to be willing to jump hurdles to lay their cards on the table. All sides need skin in the game to carry the torch; to pin down the communication fog – the essential need for mutual respect and trust. Long-term relationships require committed, ultra-trustworthy people. So, Stoney Goose Ridge successfully concluded a nimble 700-page heads of agreement in anticipation of the memorandum of understanding. And that’s just the beginning; the final contract establishes a joint venture- the China Investment Authority (CIA).

There are no artificial “Chinese walls” or “bamboo curtains” here, we make up a team of paperless tigers –  in every negotiation in this industry it’s not just about wine, and wine, it’s about win-win.

Confronting challenges
The second key is confronting problems. Not the boring logistical issues around transport, import and export regulations, customs, trademarks. Not the meaningless gibber about language nuances and cultural differences. Not even the task of supplying eye-watering volumes of wine product. Nor the potential for political interference or the so-called triads. All these are simply resolved by the universal language – not Esperanto, not Klingon. Money.

There was no spin doctor needed to confront the elephants in the room before they reached plague proportions. Two problems that exist are hacking, and wine counterfeiting. These are more widespread than our partners initially accepted, but they bowed to our resolve. Our word is our bond and we have come in from the cold and taken 39 steps to eliminate and control threats. On the regrettable angle of substitution, our high-tech centre of excellence has incorporated cutting-edge bespoke design enhancements into packaging, and indeed into the wines themselves. Due to patent and bilateral security issues, I am unable to reveal details, but our network of agents will take decisive action to terminate breaches with a thousand cuts..

And so it goes; at the coalface, we think outside the Pandora’s box of the four winds.

Following through
The third factor is processes.

Stoney Goose Ridge leads the vanguard of support arrangements; our long-term dealings with wholesalers, distributors, retailers; our training in sales, accounting, finance, legal, IT, packaging, data-mining and brand superiority. We are infamous for our advertising, promotion and array of point-of-sale and back-office efficiencies. Plus our blockchain and cryptocurrency adventures.  Certainly, we are supremely confident that our Chinese partners are onboard and entirely speak our language. Yin and yang in feng shui harmony.

It’s a lay-down misere that the dominoes will fall, and a penalty shoot-out is not required to snooker our competitors.

We have embedded multiple cross-cultural synergies. But we won’t stop there – we have over fifty existing product lines covering varietal wines and blends at all price points, positioned to satisfy numerous lifestyle segments. Our data mining minions excel at their spreadsheet craft; the only challenge is to translate these winning brands into the uniquely inscrutable Chinese language. But I know that barcodes are universal, and our graphic design talents are truly phenomenal.

Making waves
The final aspect is personality. Although I was born a type-A workaholic rat, I was close to being a snake. Stoney Goose Ridge, under my virtuoso entrepreneurial inspirational guidance, has in the past year unleashed many market-leading new wines – Brosé, Emoh Ruo, Chamsecco®, Hipsters’ Reward, Lawyer’s Picnic, plus beers such as One Tasty Blonde, Bullant Lager, and spirits such as The Old Wood Duck (vodka) and Two Fingers (gin).  These are deservedly barnstorming chart-toppers at the box office. We bring this extraordinary creative branding acumen and flair to the CIA; and our first great leap forward into the Chinese market is known internally as project “China White”.

I remember Prince Philips’ notorious comment “if it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it is not a submarine, they will eat it”. It reminds me of Upton Sinclair’s words about the Chicago slaughteryards “they use everything about the hog except the squeal”. I strongly disapprove of this malicious stereotyping.

Certainly, with wine, Chinese tastes, lifestyle demographics and descriptions are quite different to Western mores. The familiar Davis flavour wheel needs transubstantiation to include Chinese fruits, flowers, flavours and textures.  Our wine writers, critics and wine makers literally need galvanisation. Plus, the cuisines of China are diverse and demanding. Wine and food matching combinations require synergistic revolutionary insights. Fortunately, Stoney Goose Ridge has long employed consumer panels, and focus groups; we’re not entirely captive to our beancounters when we need to make a buck. And under my frenetic acumen, our team of wine fabricators will fully meet the needs of the market, using all the agile techniques and materials at their disposal.

We’re not fighting Voldemort; we know where to obtain sufficient silver bullets to defeat the walking dead before the full moon appears. With ice in our veins, our competitors will truly feel the heat. When you chase the dragon, you don’t want your dreams to go up in smoke. So we ensure our wines have the x factor, plus the Y and z factors.

We acknowledge the presence of many other wine brands already present in China- such as Penfolds (transliterated as Ben Fu), and the extraordinary cachet of Chateau Lafite. But we’ll leapfrog these tall poppies within years. Our competitors can try to conduct a kamikaze blitzkrieg, but Stony Goose Ridge will establish a dynasty, leaping forward with our initial 5-year plan.

And the wine industry is not interested in a dry argument. We provide the products, either as bulk or fully packaged wines; our Chinese partners deal with downstream aspects where their interlocking familial obligations ensure widespread uptake. Our partners will utilise whatever social media may exist for the Chinese markets, whether its Twitter, Facebook, Instagram or others I cannot even pronounce.

Living the dream
Just these four keys- people, problems, processes, and personality will unlock the passport to the frontier. Like Tencent, and the successful B-to-B enterprise Alibaba, I say “open Sesame”!

I often say to my flock of subordinate acolytes “when you grasp the nettle, it’s full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes”.

Finally, I can say that while Stoney Goose Ridge will be an overwhelming success in this burgeoning market, we don’t keep all our eggs in one basket to bring home the bacon.

So,  I issue a challenge to other wine companies. Stoney Goose Ridge will prevail in China, but that country’s appetite is so large there is still scope for others to operate on the fringes and niche markets that Stoney Goose Ridge has assessed as unviable. Go for it, and try to prove us wrong. There is a first time for everything!  I remain in awe of the volume, frequency, intensity and power of the bodily emanations of some of my jealous aspiring peers.

In conclusion, I reiterate some traditional Chinese wisdoms: live long and prosper, may the force be with you grasshopper, may you live in interesting times, and may you come to the attention of your superiors. Thank you.”

Merry Xmas from Stoney Goose Ridge CEO Hector Lannible

My annual message to suppliers, staff, and customers is clear – have a merry non-denominational seasonal festivity.

Another breathtaking fiscal year is almost  over, and I’m blessed that my well -deserved bonus will be sumptuous, reflecting a year of extra-ordinary achievements; the culmination of extensive and rigorous debates with the Board, the executive remuneration committee and my personal legal representatives. Truly, the bucks stop with me.

Our tax strategies once again bore fruit; with new entities established in Panama, the Bahamas and Cayman Islands . Our cross-rate triage hedging bridge mezzanine exchange exposure tiered collateralised tranches are the envy of many enlightened companies. And our numerous ongoing “discussions” with taxation authorities are a source of pride.

Stoney Goose Ridge has won many national and international awards – just a few highlights

  • Best social and new media campaign alignment strategies –Pure Blondette red wine- Thailand
  • Best innovative adhesive wine packaging –Emoh Ruo– Hong Kong
  • Platinum medallion for Pantone synergy wine labelling – Brosé – Venezuela
  • Short-listed for brand segmentation data-mining -Chicago
  • Best psychometric analytical personal development program (UK)
  • Enormous traction with our SEO and SEM performance
  • Record hits on my TED talk on “the China syndrome”
  • Best new beverage brand performance (wine) – Chamsecco® – Venice
  • Best new beverage brand performance (spirits) – The old Wood Duck – St Petersburg
  • Best new beverage brand (beer) – Seasonable Smashable – Geelong

And most importantly,

  • Record YOY sales uplift and EBITDA
  • New export to Nigeria, Cambodia and Myanmar
  • Record number of litigations initiated in numerous jurisdictions
  • Record level of damages awarded and costs retrieved, for copyright, libel, and contract breaches.
  • Record numbers of legal appeals in progress on technical grounds.
  • Various medals in wine (and beer, and spirit) shows
  • Record NPS scores, record brand recognition, recall – and brand financial valuation
  • Recognition of several wines as “emerging cult wines”.

And there is naturally, our strong community support, evidenced by matters including

  • Staff employed, and staff turnover
  • GST and other unavoidable levies paid
  • Tax relief, relocation allowances, export facilitation grants, royalty holidays, and other Government support that Stoney Goose Ridge has championed, and my charismatic networking mesmerisation has enabled
  • Support to charities – through contra, and a proportion of donations noted as “anonymous”

But at Stoney Goose Ridge we don’t rest. Our staff commit fully- or else.

I give 120% of my intellectual prowess and expect no less from my underlings and minions.

We plan ahead; in 2018 expect new products, new markets, and new ventures (even a cookbook is in progress). On a personal note, I acknowledge I can’t do it all; the commitment of my hand-picked executive team (I steer, they row), the support of my family, the care from my agent, PA, personal lawyer, media team, stylist and biographer.

Lastly, the enduring love from our customers for Stoney Goose Ridge is our greatest achievement; whether its from people reaching for our most basic entry-level wines, or the more sophisticated drinkers persuaded by our omni-channel approach to savour our premium, ultra-premium, hyper-premium, icon, uber, mega-rare and our myriad of other lifestyle segmented brands.

I recognise that competition in my chosen industry is ferociously endemic; and there is jealousy at our raging logarithmic success; there are also extensive CV’s in our slush pile, from people desperate to join our ranks. One very senior executive in a major beverage concern noted his extensive and wide-ranging experience – but we’re not interested in a jackass of all trades; we recruit congruently to fill strategic key niches.

As a family oriented company, staff will recall that annual leave is inflicted by meddling regulators – make the most of it by seeking improvements in our logistics, contracts, brand performance and so on, and return fully refreshed for the marathon tasks that will be assigned, and your increased KPI BHAG challenges. My senses are hyper-alert to your actions, and any diminution in enthusiasm, output or innovation will be crushed with astonishing rigour. But my motivational mastery and incisive guidance will continue to inspire your performances.

Once again, congratulations to those that have had their contracts renewed for their contributions in 2017, and we set sail into the stratosphere of the nouveau calendar 2018.

Raise a glass to the growing domination of Stoney Goose Ridge!

Yours passionately, Hector”

Stoney Goose Ridge debuts The Old Wood Duck, AND gives the world Two Fingers

Stoney Goose Ridge is at the leading edge cutting vanguard of innovating beverage creators; renowned as Australia’s most vibrant wine assembler; recently we moved decisively and winningly into the craft beer market; and today we pioneeringly debut two radically different alcohol-based beverages. I took the reins to steer the ship of state full-tilt into the spirit world.

There are already too many of these rag-tag ad-hoc distilled products cluttering retail shelves with shrieking self-aggrandizement, ludicrous lurid labels and hotchpotch of bizarre boutique bottle bolstering. A mix of stale bandaid brands and upstart wannabes. By and large, these flashy wonders are forgettable souped-up vins ordinaire, with their dubious sole merit enabling a hazy alcoholic glow- truly unsafe at any speed. Stoney Goose Ridge is way beyond that bottom-feeding – our new release spirits are heart-warming renditions of memorably captivating flavour profiles.

Certain spirits require long aging in barrels, which would seem a logical fit given our prolific discarding of outdated wooden containment vessels. But, this is not one of Stoney Goose Ridge’s desires. We’re agile, nimble, and speed to market is our raison d’etre and forte. So there’s zero intent to assail the whisky market, not blends, nor single malts, despite the room for innovative contributions like double malt whisky. But I have momentarily digressed meritoriously.

For the technically inclined, there are actually two types of distillation equipment used to create spirits; pot-stills, and the other kind. To the uninitiated, they both resemble hybrids of Heath Robinson and Rube Goldberg fantasies. But despite their improbable appearance, these mechanised marvels fulfil a task – rectifying and concentrating alcoholic strength. At Stoney Goose Ridge we proudly entered leasing buyback tiered mezzanine financing  for these apparatus, putting them to immediate ramped up throughput capability utilisation.

The first spirit  we debut is a Vodka. Many people, quite erroneously assume these are made from potato. Wrong! Vodka can be made from almost anything that can ferment into alcohol – grains, fruits, vegetables – so this synergistically suits Stoney Goose Ridge supplier sourcing strategies to a T.

Our first creation is The Old Wood Duck Vodka. It’s colourless, odourless, subtly flavoured and packs a wicked kick. The bottle is mega-stylish, truly ne plus ultra, quid pro pro. Catch it and give it a spin. Use in your favourite cocktail, mixed drink or neatly by itself. Like Proust’s madeleines, each sip transports me fondly back to my student residency completing my MBA at Harvard, where  I inspired, mentored and coached my team of research assistants in a multi- gold medal, prize-winning performance. The bottle and label of The Old Wood Duck are amazingly unique – yet able to be mass-produced in the volumes that our traffic forecasters have divined. The Old Wood Duck is our loving homage to the other vodka producers, inspired by our awe at their profitability margins and mark-ups. And take note of our use of the definite article. It’s not just any Old  Wood Duck, it’s The Old Wood Duck.

An outstanding match with Beluga caviar, or even other substitutes, The Old Wood Duck is affordable, graceful and ready. It’s fashionably hip and uber-stylish.

And now as a further legacy, Stoney Goose Ridge gives the world Two Fingers. Two Fingers Gin. Naturally, my guidance during product development was exhaustive, culminating in numerous branding searches preceding my penultimate decisive “go” decision. We obtained the top-secret formulaic recipe from a distinguished military veteran –  its ingredients include 11 different herbs and spices – and although I’m not meant to help our competitors, I will reveal that one botanical component is juniper. I’ve let the cat out of the bag among the pigeons, out of its shell and straight into the china shop. No need to tread gingerly, the hypermodern lifestyle taste speaks for itself.

We’ve turned the aromatics up to 11;  pronounced top notes, a smooth defined middle and a punchy bass – indeed a symphony. It rocks! The super-tasters employed during its gestational interlude from the perfume, tea, and other sensory  trades could find nothing to improve. Whether used as a mixer with soda or tonic water and so on, in cocktails – or neat – Two Fingers Gin will delight your suite of gustatory synapses.

And again, Stoney Goose Ridge found the inspiration easily. We’re weary of viewing the abhorrent nasty necrotic novelties in this market – their jarring kitschy cutesy packaging and cringe-worthy brands. For example, there is even an entire so-called category called London Dry Gin. We urge Governments to take immediate punitive action to prevent this misleading and deceptive nomenclature, as there are seriously disturbing trade practices implications. For example, gin is a liquid- how can it be dry? The science is overwhelmingly conclusive. Next, some of these gins are alarmingly not even manufactured in London. The laxity of legislative law and enforcement failures appals. But enough providing plentiful publicity for these quasi-legal operators and their corruptly contemptible cavalier morality.

Distinctively, Stoney Goose Ridge has generously supported international stars such as Jennifer Lawrence, Ed Sheeran and Lydia Ko. Within Australia, Ashleigh Barty, Anna Torv , Chris Hemsworth,  Delta Goodrem, and many more.  And our ongoing support of emerging talent – sporting, cultural, scientific and philanthropic.  Wherever anonymous philanthropic donations are made to charitable foundations, expect Stoney Goose Ridge has a finger or two in the pie, through contra, ambassadorial time, wealth management conceptual analytics, and other typically patronising endorsement endeavours.

Stoney Goose Ridge provides a  fulsome complete service with our complementary suite of phenomenal products – wines, beers and now,  spirits, proudly supporting communities with our GST payments, plus the enormous fiscal contributions we make to society via other apparently unavoidable levies.

Again we will triumph with  these boutique hand-crafted limited-batch beauties, which will sell in droves of proverbial gang-busting hot cakes, providing joie de vivre to the max, and the masses.

Stoney Goose Ridge has distinguished itself through continual ISO six-sigma excellence; this duo of two non-identical twin spirits, The Old Wood Duck, and sublime Two Fingers Gin join the family panoply of product proudly produced by professional practitioners. Personally parcelled persuasive portable POS paraphernalia will be profusely provided provisionally, pending potent promotional process performance partnership purchase plans.

Watch the spirit shelves shrink, as The Old Wood Duck and Two Fingers Gin take their putative place on the tables, cabinets, sideboards, bar carts and cupboards throughout this proud land, and our growing number of export licensed markets. Stoney Goose Ridge’s spirits will displace the puny pretenders, and grace any situation with the characteristic panache and aplomb already familiar through our existing multitudinous beers and exemplary wines.

Drink responsibly in moderation – drink Stoney Goose Ridge!

Stoney Goose Ridge crushes the craft beer market

Hector Lannible –“live” from the lavish launch ceremony at Bondi.

“Press, TV, radio and other media acolytes, as always, I am humbled by your presence along with the distinguished A-list guests that we have invited, plus the high-vis local trend-setters. And of course our VIP parliamentarians, mayors, and assorted dignitaries, of all gender-situations are also welcomed under traditional ancestral land commemoration respectfulness.

I’ll just say a few short words, and some long ones too, to paint the scene.

At Stoney Goose Ridge, we don’t just keep an eye on market trends; our data-crunching tragics obsess with finding nimble opportunities to boost our profitability and add significantly to my bonus.

Of course we’re well-known for our incredibly successful strata of super wines; growing market share, share of wallet and extraordinary ROI and EBIT. But we are not only fixated on wines; our mandate incorporates other beverages.

One salient trend has been growth in the “craft beer” market, which has displaced some of the traditional  beer brands. With much of our own outrageously expensive industrial equipment being critically underutilised at certain times of the year, our array of book-keepers, accountants, and auditors wanted stern action.

Plus, I’m weary of constantly disciplining our easily-distracted support crew of wine fabricators. My assessment was to exploit the agile path to synergistic joyousness – an echelon of market-beating beer-based beverages!

OF course Stoney Goose Ridge doesn’t take cavalier decisions made on whimsical gut-feel. I inspire the group of MBA-credentialed juniors that synthesise the market research, and apply remorseless statistical logic to the massed spreadsheets. It’s been the devil’s own task to ensure that these new beer brands don’t cannibalise our existing and intended wine markets, but that’s my forte in my specialised gig as the CEO.

And so, after trialling our creations with demographic disciplinary forensic fervour, we are fully ready with four new products that will take their righteous place in the elite pantheon of crafty beers.

There is little need to dwell on their technical or sensory characters; the most important efforts went into nomenclature and packaging, the incisive media campaigns and multifocal uplift sales incentives. It’s so tough to create brand names that haven’t been occupied by cyber-squatters, but that’s yet another of my monumental talents.

All these products will be available on-premise as draught on tap, stubbies and of course cans. Stoney Goose Ridge is can-do and canny, so cans make complete concrete sense. Plus we had this packaging option available through a cunning visionary purchase at a distressed bankruptcy liquidation receivership fire-sale.

Here’s the roll-call of soon-to-be household names;

  • One Tasty Blonde – a beer squarely aimed at the fashion-savvy. Easy drinking that doesn’t impact the waist-line or the bottom-line- except ours. Low carb, yet full of delight. Gluggable, especially with friends. Ask for it by name – available now.
  • Bullant Lager– authentically true-blue ridgy-didge dinkum Aussie as can be; a beer to quell the hard-earned thirst. And there is a not terribly secret ingredient incorporated in the manufacture that adds unique bitey piquancy. Be patriotic, get this quirky quencher down your gullet. Everyone’s a winner.
  • Brett’s Ale – we sometimes let the wine folk have their little idiosyncratic indulgences, and they came up with – let’s see if I can pronounce this – a brettanomcyces beer. Anyway this is strong stuff, and the target market literally just lapped it up during the marketing taste test trials, so perhaps they knew something. Truly addictive. Kudos to me for making it happen.
  • Seasonal Smashable. Fondly called “SS” by the development team, this beer uses a range of hopping varieties depending on what’s available in the market, and by style it’s an IPA-lite. Citrus, passionfruit, and not at all bitter. That’s what the autocue says. To everything, there is a season, and a time for every purpose, and the purpose is drinking. A fighting beer. Try it – you’ll like it.

Now we confront a serious challenge- many venues are locked into onerous exclusivity agreements with alternative suppliers that restrict our ability to get our awesomely new beers on tap in front of the public. But to join the party, you must face the music.  We throw down the gauntlet to extend the olive branch. For us,  It’s not a matter of life or death- it’s much more serious. Venue managers – we’ll help to get you back in the race, so you don’t miss the boat onto the paddock of dreams – our legal practitioners are standing by to overthrow outrageous contracts that discriminate against Stoney Goose Ridge.

So that’s the first four Stoney Goose Ridge beers launched, with more waiting in the wings, plus a cider in progress; we can’t let apples lie fallow when the market gate price is so low. They are itching to be plucked, and fermentised into a life-style brewed fluid. And we’re pondering timings to introduce waters, teas and other ever-healthy non-alcoholic alternatives. That should stir up our complacent competitors- just you wait and watch it happen; or wonder what happened? And did I mention spirits – whoops- ooh what a giveaway!!

But for now, be upstanding, raise your glasses and salute my team gathered behind me on the dais; photogenicity ain’t everything; talent counts; especially mine – our staff, contractors, consultants and interns  are universally hugely proud of my incisive leadership. We aim to monopolise beer shelf-space, crowd out cool-room stacks, put Stoney Goose Ridge on everyone’s lips, and give a real buzz to the punters.

We’re fanatical about our wines, as are our legions of devoted admirers; this new range of beers provides further lustre – and lucre –  to our image, reputation and brand inventory. We launch with pride, continuing the numerous endeavours Stoney Goose Ridge is notorious for”.