Stoney Goose Ridge – another wine release – the Maximus

There’s far too much overhyped flim-flam about natural wines; and their laid-back minimalist intervention philosophy. Of course, Stoney Goose Ridge was an early adopter with the phenomenal Hipsters Reward.

Briefly, the backstory was that I, Hannibal Lector, intervened to rescue an accidental hands-off wine, adding polish through nomenclature, packaging and allied branding prestidigitational transformational manoeuvres.  Hipsters Reward caused a monumental monster feeding frenzy in the marketplace, but with limited supply we had to put the brakes on to ensure equitable distribution amongst our long-term supporters in emergent market-domiciles. We profited immensely from this launch, provoking jealousy and consternation amongst our perennially feeble competitors, while we gained goodwill and now make an annual release of this brand byline behemoth. Legions of copycat efforts came a cropper.

But truly it’s now time perhaps overdue to reflect on the welcome effluxion of temporality and the relentless march of progress. In the world of wine, we’ve only utilised bottles in the last few hundred years, (cans too). It’s only been for a brief interval that electricity has been harnessed for industrial and domestic quality of life advancement purposes. With grapes we have better clones, rootstocks, have planted in more appropriate sites, with canopy enhancements, advanced chemicals, mechanised spraying, pruning and harvesting.  Together with improvements in winemaking processes generally, these have cumulatively culminated in compellingly improved vinous beverage refreshments. Yeasts have been refined in their efficiency productivity quotients; packaging and the sales journey have benefited from progress in science, finance, advertising and management.

And now for something completely different. A wine that celebrates and rewards innovative progressivity. Too much water has gone under the bridge to turn back the clock, jump the hurdles and nip it in the bud. It’s par for the course.

This wine represents the epitome, the quintessential embodied essence of technology – the Maximus – absolutely Vegan inimical. With an RRP of merely $15, it displays the rewards of progress at its most unleashed. No innovations ignored. Ahead of the narrative curve; cutting, leading and bleeding edge.

This wine was assembled from different parcels, all machine pruned and harvested (no organic or biodynamic grapes used) complete with MOG, using stainless steel tanks, roto-fermenters, air-bag presses and strict temperature control, inert gas cover, DAP, micro-ox, mixed cultured yeasts, enzymes, pumping over, added tannins, additions of citric and tartaric acid, varied fining agents, membrane and cross-flow filtration before bottling. Some parts pasteurized, and even some reverse osmosis. Plus sulphur. Under screwcap, so no need to fear cork artefacts. Even the bottle is light-mass thanks to production expertise. The four-piece label reflects ultra hi-tech engineering prowess. The entire kitbag of bells and whistles.

My role was critically essential. The wine crew had assembled a few sample blends, with each component separately available. It took me only 15 minutes to refine the proposed blend to a better-quality outcome result; and simultaneously reduce the volume of wine that needed to find another home; another win-win-wine for my growing throng of excited brand loyalists.  The platoon could only applaud and celebrate my achievement, and my direct report subordinates watched in rapture.

The wine team has explicit extensive technical qualifications, but needs my proven analytic sensory organoleptic flair to add the X, Y and Z factor that excites sommeliers, wine show judges, and all drinkers both novice and seasoned. And my vision and hands-on nano-management exertions to translate extraordinary wines into extraordinary sale profitability metrics.

Mentoring is just one of my numerous acknowledged talents. It is a truth universally acknowledged that there are two kinds of people; those that know Hector Lannible, and those that aspire to meet and consume his insights, wisdom and generosity.

Stoney Goose Ridge is thus absolutely fervently excited to launch Miraculous Maximus Technoplex®. The name says it all, reflecting its origins and lineage.  It’s already won awards for offset carbon footprint measurement refinement, and innovative marketing prizes are guaranteed. Its another wine in the expansive Stoney Goose Ridge masstige premiumisation portfolio.

At this point of temporality, the Maximus is exclusively available within Australia, as certain components are unbelievably prohibited in selected overseas markets, a consequence of brittle and cowardly obsequience in trade negotiations. It’s truly a loss to potential consumers, distributors and outlets. People should be outraged and mobilise to demand alterations to trade arrangements and associated arbitrarily restrictive punitive legislation. After all, the end-consumer deserves benefit from widespread availability of this and similar exemplars from Stoney Goose Ridge.

Due to selectively critical blockchain negligence, certain components had incomplete documentation meaning their additive compositions could not be fully audit certified for export. This situation will be rectified, enabling the inevitable future editions of this wine to grace overseas shelves, tables, cellars and most importantly partaken with elan by our growing hordes of eager core vertical customers.

In the meantime, Australian consumers are the winners with another gratifying astonishment from the restlessly creative Stoney Goose Ridge under its inspiring dynamic CEO Hector Lannible.

Miraculous Maximus Technoplex®; RRP $15.

EOFY review from Hector Lannible, CEO of Stoney Goose Ridge

Our bean-counters, auditors, accountants have been shedding the necessary blood, sweat, tears, midnight oil and intellectual stringency over the financial records from Stoney Goose Ridge and its allied associated entities throughout our essential domiciles including the Cayman islands, Belize, Cyprus and numerous other tax-effective locales.

We are inflicted with astonishing amounts of taxation imposed by the unthinking, incomprehensible Governments of numerous countries. Just within Australia, these imposts include GST, payroll tax, WET, superannuation, excise, council rates, and land taxes. Taxation at federal, state and local levels! Add unavoidable costs for electricity, gas, water, telecommunications, business travel, sponsorship and contra, assorted insurance levies and fees for membership of professional bodies, personal development seminars, court filing fees, customs and so on ad infinitum. That’s before expenses on salaries, wages and commissions, materials such as grapes, grain, storage, transport, chemicals, processing, packaging, equipment leasing, advertising, promotions, printing, social media- and much more. Then add our Byzantine complex web of financing facilities, depreciation, stock adjustments etc. In passing, I will merely mention the restrictive red-tape regulative legislative compliance burden of occupational health and safety requirements, ISO6000, endless ABS surveys, and the barbarous one-sided industrial relations system. Without my ongoing supreme negotiating talents for extracting concessions, discounts, subsidies and so forth,  and our truly innovative taxation minimisation intricacies, results would be grim.

All this distraction takes away from my innate ability to grow the business of Stoney Goose Ridge – new products, new markets – thereby improving Australia’s economy, the economic and gastronomic satisfaction of our population, as well as all those fortunate consumers of Stoney Goose Ridge’s exciting production portfolio who live beyond our shores. There is, alas, insufficient underappreciated reward and recognition of our monumental achievements.

Nevertheless, as expected, as forecast, as predicted, and inevitably destined inexorably – Stoney Goose Ridge has achieved stupendous record results in all defined category sub-class matrix measurables.

It’s part of my role to have key contact stakeholders on speed-dial; to speak at social and formal meetings with relevant personnel and personalities, lobbyists and maintain my profile and A-list access. My abilities are paramount to the Stoney Goose Ridge ongoing success saga. I am a proud advocate of the healthy benefits of alcohol -in moderation, and ultimately preferably exclusively from the exhaustive array of our products.  What an exciting and challenging business- I love it! As well as beer and spirit line categories, wine is in my DNA and my blood.

Expense minimisation has not been neglected. Thanks to our stringent compliance systems, processes and procedures, I can formally announce no lost-time incidents or compensation issues, again, in the past 12 months. Similarly there have been zero unplanned absences approved for compassionate or sick leave, and all study has been compensated with time-in-lieu. Overtime payment is absent, with voluntary unpaid overtime at record  strata. Advanced facial recognition surveillance, plus inclusive computer and mobile phone software programs have ensured maximum attention to work duties. The corporate culture is especially robust. Stock shrinkage is non-existent.

Looking forward, we have increased the top talent and skills of our lean, mean agile workforce; we have carefully utilised consultants, and outsourced where we require special skills. Our punitive and restrictive contracts ensure we get spectacular efforts- and achievements- from our partners or else. We have also focussed on a variety of “softer targets” including diversity, where our assorted workforces represent a range of language, nationalities, sexes, ages, educational backgrounds, and remuneration differentials.

At your imminent performance review sessions, it’s imperative for you to acknowledge the drive, energy, insights, and assistance  from your top management, and recognise your abysmal shortcomings in execution of their vision. These critical steps may enable partial achievement of nominal bonus remuneration quantum. No-one will be rated as “unsatisfactory” – this category has already departed, and are being pursued for exemplary damages as a matter of principle. To those rated “acceptable”, as you leave we wish you well in future endeavours – if any- and encourage you to comply with the rigorous conditions of your onerous employment contracts with Stoney Goose Ridge, else litigation will be swift and certain in its effects on your mental, physical and financial well-being.

On April 1 we launched the Unicorn, our astonishingly achingly affordably rare ultra-luxury wine release. It sold out within days with the latent demand. Its USP is self-evident, and another triumphant example of the translation of my vision into actuality. And there has been luminous growth in the sales of our wine, beer, and spirit brands, attained through actual, verified, audited sales and consumption. Not by channel-stuffing the distribution chain with mountains of product. And there are plenty of upcoming launches, re-branding, corporate re-organisations, omni-channel disintermediation and tremendous opportunities for all to contribute by enthusiastically working smarter, and harder.

Our brand recognition and social media presence is stratospherically ubiquitous. My TED talks have attracted myriad views and are referenced in numerous business articles, tomes and journals. And we are continuously active with new endeavours – Project Chernobyl will soon reach critical mass and bear fruit, Pegasus will launch and Project Android is beginning to efficiently impact headcount. Succession planning with Project Iron Throne continues.

Based on strategic whistle-blowing information received, I could justly denigrate our competitors – but there is no need; our virtue is obvious. I’m sure that the leadership of our so-called rivals is full of talent – it’s merely hidden, miniscule, incompetent, irrelevant and immaterial.

I am proud of my achievements, and of my underlings at all echelons. Everyone knows that my scrutiny and value-addition is incisive. My PA, PR, media crew, personal legals, stylists, interns, security, transport captains, gofers and wranglers all play a role in my success. As a evangelising creative curating ideator, my endless compelling innovations ensure the long-term success of Stoney Goose Ridge, increase my lock-in bonuses and escalated golden handcuffs linked to the company’s triumphs.

Whether at the BBQ, opera. beach, book launch, dinner party or corporate boxes, you set the example for Stoney Goose Ridge. Never miss the opportunity to promote its product or praise the talents of its executives; this is another measurable observable mission-critical KPI accountability.

Throughout the coming year, strive to emulate your executives, continually exercise your diligence and energy 24/7,  and Stoney Goose Ridge’s sustained success is inevitable.

Your inspirational mentor and role model, Hector.

April 1 release of the Unicorn

“Brainless, heartless, spineless, gutless, charmless and useless. But I don’t publicly use these descriptions of my competitors, especially when I have an astonishingly great breaking news announcement, said CEO Hector Lannible.

It’s rare but it’s not a myth. Well-heeled collectors often boast of their so-called “unicorn wines” – due to their cost, rarity or both. But under my dynamite stewardship at Stoney Goose Ridge, we continually break novel ground, transformationally disrupting the binary paradigm mindset, and today we launch the Unicorn into the firmament. It’s no myth – we have one. This is not a terminological inexactitude.

It’s the finest, most exclusive wine we make; a spectacularly curated selection of our top barrels, artisanised through our innovative proprietary technological wizardry.

It’s rarer than a (Northern Hemisphere) black swan, scarcer than hens’ teeth, and in shorter supply than rocking horse manure. The wine itself is obviously truly unique; a red wine from the noble Cabernet Sauvignon, with some Merlot and other varietals. It’s from a specifically unique terroir, a particular block we call Area 51, concealed from public view.

One of my numerous visionary ambitions for Stoney Goose Ridge was to create a compelling monument; several earlier attempts were declassified as not fulfilling my passionate quality aspirations, but this time I have drop-kicked the googly directly into the side-pocket to gammon the bout with a triple jackpot; at last now I proudly proclaim the impending debut of 2017 The Unicorn.

Crafted by our squadron of expert fashionistas, matured in superior oak, with all key decisions taken by myself, this wine will deservedly sell like wildfire, and even impress the legions of wine-writing toady freeloaders. Truly, I rolled the dice and came up trumps, smelling of roses. No shortcuts have been taken, no marketing expense spared, no stone left unadorned.

Although astonishingly supreme drinking already, the Unicorn will literally last for centuries if cellared under appropriate conditions, proving a long-lasting legacy for future generations.

Vegan-friendly, and fully biogeneric, the Unicorn is like finding a needle in a haystack under a blue moon on the twelfth of never at the end of the rainbow.

  • Each bottle is presented in a timber receptacle certified by sustainable forestry organisations.
  • Each individually-nomenclatured bottle is recyclable, and fully carbon offset neutral.
  • Each bottle includes a hoofprint of authenticity, with artwork inspired by the creature.
  • Each timber case contains a certificate (suitable for framing and display) commending the owner for their responsible purchase

Prepared under the indirect supervision of several RSPCA members, plus input from selected members of Zoos Australia, the World Wildlife fund, Amnesty International and Greenpeace, no animals were harmed in the manufactured assembly of this utterly glorious wine.

Some early reviews from some key columnists ….

“Yet another brazen barrage from the inexhaustible Stoney Goose Ridge; extraordinarily detailed, indeed lavish packaging, presentation and production. The wine is symptomatic of the producer’s style, and some may even be prepared to pay the piper.” (J ”Doc” Hallidae)

“Formidable box, bottle, certificate” (CM – Frontwine)

“Squarely aimed at a particular lucrative market niche, even down to the minuscule but accurate Chinese back label” (J. Olivier)

With an RRP of AU$140 (€88, £78, US$80), the Unicorn 2017 represents a valuable pathway entry to the stratospheric pantheon of upper echelon vinous beverages. This mega ultra-premium super-deluxe wine is affordable even to aspirational mass-market millennial gen X FMCG consumers, and is predestined as a lavish-appearing gifting reward. WYSIWYG. Alternatively, guests will be stunned by the magnanimous generosity of humanitarians prepared to sharingly broach the contents when it’s opened.

Truly, the Unicorn is a wine worthy of its origins, my own unrivalled, unparalleled creative genius and a worthy homage to immortal gravely endangered creatures. And it tastes just magnificent. All the usual rent-a-crowd misfit vinous scribblers will whole-heartedly fulsomely endorse its compelling virtues. Stoney Goose Ridge triumphs once more!

Importantly, for every bottle sold, with our culturally embedded philanthropic charitable ethic, Stoney Goose Ridge commits to donate $1 to the Unicorn Funding Organisation (UFO), for habitat rejuvenation. Additionally, our ensemble of tax magicians will ensure intangible magnification of counterbalanced downstream benefits.

Available from 1 April, and likely to sell out on the same day, do your duty to this blue planet, quickly rush to your nearest fine wine boutique for your piece of the Unicorn”.

Xmas message from Hector Lannible, CEO of Stoney Goose Ridge

“It’s easy to dwell on our triumphant successes of Stoney Goose Ridge in 2018; the record growth in sales, ebitda improvements, the dizzying diverse media adulations, new export markets, the multiple launches of new product such as “Terra Nullius”, assorted prestigious wine packaging, marketing campaign and labelling awards, and my own increasing profiled notoriety. Our prolific social media optimisation strategizing continues to befuddle our opposition, with their advocates ineffectively minuscule in influence, visibility and credibility. Our SEO and SEM are bleeding edge.

But I couldn’t have achieved these profound triumphs without my subordinate employees ready, willing and able to act on my numerous compelling insights, decisive actions and time-critical unflagging guidance. Truly, my hand-picked executives owe their bonuses (if any) to my expert micro-management. Yes there is a “me” in “team”, and obviously my own stratospheric performance has been deservedly magnificently remunerated.

The sterling efforts of our team of legal, accounting and related personnel to locate further loopholes to minimise the dead hand of taxation as well as locating extra grants, subsidies, facilitation opportunities, export support and so forth – which we have taken complete advantage over- is extraordinary. The number of legal manoeuvres conducted in fiscal calendar 2018 stands at formidable record levels.

Obviously, Stoney Goose Ridge offers an increasing fan-base of loyal committed customers who continue to reap the benefit of our ever-growing over-delivering suite of labels, and enjoy the fresh taste sensations of our product brandline extension proliferations. This will continue- our data  tracking harvesting and analytics is profound; finding and exploiting any niche opportunities as well as provoking repeat purchase decisions. Brilliant outstanding excellence in customer satisfaction parameters always remains a critically important KPI priority. Our beverage facilitators must take credit for their professional competencies, that allied to my blending expertise embeds the mystique to our SKUs.

To the countless people submitting CV’s begging for consideration as unpaid interns, note that an MBA or equivalent is highly desirable; stellar achievement in multidimensional start-up  disintermediation or transnational taxation law will also meet with some approval. Few will find a position available, so I wish you well in future endeavours.

We exist in a market full of competitors, but if the Good Lord had wished them to prevail, they would have been bequeathed talent. They can only watch, and wonder “what happened?” as Stoney Goose Ridge rushes past, dwarfing their misplaced puny misguided efforts. Stoney Goose Ridge has rigorously exposed and vigorously highlighted the personal scandals, fiduciary lapses and reckless law-breaking of our rivals solely from the compulsions of our ingrained philanthropic social responsibility obligations.

On a personal note, my TED piece this year on “the China Syndrome” has deservedly been an internet sensation. It’s gratifying to be compared with Warren Buffett, Nelson Mandela and Cormac McCarthy , though I freely admit I have some distance to surpass their respective achievements, and the exultation they deservedly receive.  Plus, several of my own verbatim dictated spare-time fictional writings have been optioned by a Hollywood studio- but details are embargoed until final A-list casting decisions have been confirmed for these serial blockbusters.

There is always WIP.  Succession planning is incomplete – even mentoring my hand-picked executive subordinates has not yet seen a clear front-running pecking order emerge from the wolf-pack domain. So watch this space as we discard the dead wood in our ranks, and parachute in fresh talent eager to action my plentiful charismatic initiatives.

I particularly thank my small, lean, agile team of executive assistants, media liaison, stylists, publicists, administration support, legal services and biographers for their loyalty, and unflagging commitment to help me fulfil my entitled destiny.

Next year, Stoney Goose Ridge  will continue to unveil innovative alcoholic  beverage concepts and aggressively pursue double-digit momentum at a raw minimum. My opportunity lens is unshaken, aggressively leveraging domestic and international prospects continuously to allow Stoney Goose Ridge to double-down and move the needle forcefully.

To all our direct and indirect employees, agents, free-lancers, contractors, consultants, joint venture outworkers and partners, I wish you and your families a festively merry season, and may you return refreshed and enabled to put your best feet forward to the grindstone, offering your complete subjugation to my compelling vision.

In 2019, onwards to repetitive victories, your worthy leader – Hector”.

 

Terra Nullius

“At Stoney Goose Ridge, we are entirely fanatical about cutting costs. Imagine my outrage to discover an enormous cache of wine stored in an extremely vast tank!

It turned out that the person notionally in charge was understandably enamoured of Stoney Goose Ridge’s incredible multiplicity of exceptional beverages, but was wholly unprofessional in his excessive imbibing. He absolutely neglected his contractual fiduciary obligations. This is the same “character” that was responsible – through neglect and disregard of voluminous worksafe practices- for our semi-orange wine Hipster’s Reward, where only my inherent genius salvaged the situation and once more created a new worldwide brand of renown.

The personage in charge of this uncovered vinous malpractice has necessarily been summarily dismissed and assorted subsequent legal manoeuvres mean an end to his career in wine, or indeed any occupation involving responsibility. We wanted to keelhaul him over hot coals like a sitting duck, but had to be satisfied knowing his earnings will be garnisheed for decades.

Due to this person’s cavalier disregard for our extraordinarily accurate audit trail, we have been unable to determine very much about this wine. Despite our meticulous forensic analytic endeavours, we were confounded with its origins. Truly it seemed we had bolted the stable door after the chickens had flown. But I rolled the dice, and came up trumps, smelling of roses. This can of worms really put the icing on the cake.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating, and with my inspired creativity, Stoney Goose Ridge launches Terra Nullius.

As CEO, I, Hector Lannible, don’t know the grape varieties involved; I cannot be certain of the vintage or vintages; even the areas where the grapes are from is a mystery. We do not know what treatments this wine experienced, or their timings. But we do know, thanks to my subsequent ninja blending cunning, that this is now a great wine. If we could reverse engineer this wine, we absolutely would, but alas there are apparently limits to my virtuoso intellect and hyper-distinguished sensory exceptionality.

I triumphantly debut Terra Nullius, respectfully showcasing this country’s heritage.

This red wine is a user-friendly 12.5%, with minimal tannins to diminish enjoyment. Indeed, we encourage people to drink responsibly by having at least one extra glass of this noble wine concoction. Any why not? Its berry flavours – derived from processed Australian grapes and transubstantiated into an exceptional alcoholic brew – will baffle the cognoscenti, and fulfil the neophyte.

Terra Nullius – the great unknown, and of course the topic of intergenerational legal debate of astonishing complexity.

Yet for an RRP of $16, this one-off piece of history is available at all respectable liquor vending establishments, sitting proudly alongside the mouth-watering array of our other wines, beers and spirits.

Stoney Goose Ridge provides yet another phenomenal wine in its unique heritage pantheon that illustrates, respects and challenges the mythology of our mystical homeland antiquity – Terra Nullius”.

The China syndrome – exporting wine to Asia; insider advice

It’s no secret that many Australian wine producers and intermediaries are aiming to export wine into China.

Why? Firstly, it’s massive; China, with over 1.4 billion people dwarfs Australia in its population, and its growing prosperity. It has a vibrant marketplace, eager to sample the wines of the west. Its burgeoning middle-class millennials aspire to consume what used to be luxury goods but which are now affordable. The Australian free trade agreement made with China in 2014 has certainly stimulated developments.

While China also has vast wine grape plantings, so far, its wine quality results have been underwhelming, despite investment in technology and human capital in the form of flying winemakers’ eager to transfer their expertise to the locals – despite language barriers. And China has also been busy purchasing vineyards and wineries overseas- many in Bordeaux- and within Australia.

Hector Lannible, the CEO of Stoney Goose Ridge has expertly been dealing with China (and many other countries) for years; he expands on opportunities and pitfalls; here are some highlights from his keynote TED talk, made after his recent triumphs at Vinexpo 2018 in Hong Kong.

In the beginning
“I lead a wine business, but there are substantial crossover translatable elements for any business; really, it’s all very simple. Before my stellar MBA time, archaic marketing texts described the 4 P’s – product, price, promotion and place (distribution). Slightly more evolved models included positioning. But these over-simplified theories have been superseded by much more sophisticated analytic frameworks.

Today, I describe an innovative set of 4 P’s vital to success- in China, and universally. The prime factor is relationships- I call the first aspect people. You need to step up to the plate to kick goals.

All sides negotiating need to be willing to jump hurdles to lay their cards on the table. All sides need skin in the game to carry the torch; to pin down the communication fog – the essential need for mutual respect and trust. Long-term relationships require committed, ultra-trustworthy people. So, Stoney Goose Ridge successfully concluded a nimble 700-page heads of agreement in anticipation of the memorandum of understanding. And that’s just the beginning; the final contract establishes a joint venture- the China Investment Authority (CIA).

There are no artificial “Chinese walls” or “bamboo curtains” here, we make up a team of paperless tigers –  in every negotiation in this industry it’s not just about wine, and wine, it’s about win-win.

Confronting challenges
The second key is confronting problems. Not the boring logistical issues around transport, import and export regulations, customs, trademarks. Not the meaningless gibber about language nuances and cultural differences. Not even the task of supplying eye-watering volumes of wine product. Nor the potential for political interference or the so-called triads. All these are simply resolved by the universal language – not Esperanto, not Klingon. Money.

There was no spin doctor needed to confront the elephants in the room before they reached plague proportions. Two problems that exist are hacking, and wine counterfeiting. These are more widespread than our partners initially accepted, but they bowed to our resolve. Our word is our bond and we have come in from the cold and taken 39 steps to eliminate and control threats. On the regrettable angle of substitution, our high-tech centre of excellence has incorporated cutting-edge bespoke design enhancements into packaging, and indeed into the wines themselves. Due to patent and bilateral security issues, I am unable to reveal details, but our network of agents will take decisive action to terminate breaches with a thousand cuts..

And so it goes; at the coalface, we think outside the Pandora’s box of the four winds.

Following through
The third factor is processes.

Stoney Goose Ridge leads the vanguard of support arrangements; our long-term dealings with wholesalers, distributors, retailers; our training in sales, accounting, finance, legal, IT, packaging, data-mining and brand superiority. We are infamous for our advertising, promotion and array of point-of-sale and back-office efficiencies. Plus our blockchain and cryptocurrency adventures.  Certainly, we are supremely confident that our Chinese partners are onboard and entirely speak our language. Yin and yang in feng shui harmony.

It’s a lay-down misere that the dominoes will fall, and a penalty shoot-out is not required to snooker our competitors.

We have embedded multiple cross-cultural synergies. But we won’t stop there – we have over fifty existing product lines covering varietal wines and blends at all price points, positioned to satisfy numerous lifestyle segments. Our data mining minions excel at their spreadsheet craft; the only challenge is to translate these winning brands into the uniquely inscrutable Chinese language. But I know that barcodes are universal, and our graphic design talents are truly phenomenal.

Making waves
The final aspect is personality. Although I was born a type-A workaholic rat, I was close to being a snake. Stoney Goose Ridge, under my virtuoso entrepreneurial inspirational guidance, has in the past year unleashed many market-leading new wines – Brosé, Emoh Ruo, Chamsecco®, Hipsters’ Reward, Lawyer’s Picnic, plus beers such as One Tasty Blonde, Bullant Lager, and spirits such as The Old Wood Duck (vodka) and Two Fingers (gin).  These are deservedly barnstorming chart-toppers at the box office. We bring this extraordinary creative branding acumen and flair to the CIA; and our first great leap forward into the Chinese market is known internally as project “China White”.

I remember Prince Philips’ notorious comment “if it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it is not a submarine, they will eat it”. It reminds me of Upton Sinclair’s words about the Chicago slaughteryards “they use everything about the hog except the squeal”. I strongly disapprove of this malicious stereotyping.

Certainly, with wine, Chinese tastes, lifestyle demographics and descriptions are quite different to Western mores. The familiar Davis flavour wheel needs transubstantiation to include Chinese fruits, flowers, flavours and textures.  Our wine writers, critics and wine makers literally need galvanisation. Plus, the cuisines of China are diverse and demanding. Wine and food matching combinations require synergistic revolutionary insights. Fortunately, Stoney Goose Ridge has long employed consumer panels, and focus groups; we’re not entirely captive to our beancounters when we need to make a buck. And under my frenetic acumen, our team of wine fabricators will fully meet the needs of the market, using all the agile techniques and materials at their disposal.

We’re not fighting Voldemort; we know where to obtain sufficient silver bullets to defeat the walking dead before the full moon appears. With ice in our veins, our competitors will truly feel the heat. When you chase the dragon, you don’t want your dreams to go up in smoke. So we ensure our wines have the x factor, plus the Y and z factors.

We acknowledge the presence of many other wine brands already present in China- such as Penfolds (transliterated as Ben Fu), and the extraordinary cachet of Chateau Lafite. But we’ll leapfrog these tall poppies within years. Our competitors can try to conduct a kamikaze blitzkrieg, but Stony Goose Ridge will establish a dynasty, leaping forward with our initial 5-year plan.

And the wine industry is not interested in a dry argument. We provide the products, either as bulk or fully packaged wines; our Chinese partners deal with downstream aspects where their interlocking familial obligations ensure widespread uptake. Our partners will utilise whatever social media may exist for the Chinese markets, whether its Twitter, Facebook, Instagram or others I cannot even pronounce.

Living the dream
Just these four keys- people, problems, processes, and personality will unlock the passport to the frontier. Like Tencent, and the successful B-to-B enterprise Alibaba, I say “open Sesame”!

I often say to my flock of subordinate acolytes “when you grasp the nettle, it’s full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes”.

Finally, I can say that while Stoney Goose Ridge will be an overwhelming success in this burgeoning market, we don’t keep all our eggs in one basket to bring home the bacon.

So,  I issue a challenge to other wine companies. Stoney Goose Ridge will prevail in China, but that country’s appetite is so large there is still scope for others to operate on the fringes and niche markets that Stoney Goose Ridge has assessed as unviable. Go for it, and try to prove us wrong. There is a first time for everything!  I remain in awe of the volume, frequency, intensity and power of the bodily emanations of some of my jealous aspiring peers.

In conclusion, I reiterate some traditional Chinese wisdoms: live long and prosper, may the force be with you grasshopper, may you live in interesting times, and may you come to the attention of your superiors. Thank you.”

Merry Xmas from Stoney Goose Ridge CEO Hector Lannible

My annual message to suppliers, staff, and customers is clear – have a merry non-denominational seasonal festivity.

Another breathtaking fiscal year is almost  over, and I’m blessed that my well -deserved bonus will be sumptuous, reflecting a year of extra-ordinary achievements; the culmination of extensive and rigorous debates with the Board, the executive remuneration committee and my personal legal representatives. Truly, the bucks stop with me.

Our tax strategies once again bore fruit; with new entities established in Panama, the Bahamas and Cayman Islands . Our cross-rate triage hedging bridge mezzanine exchange exposure tiered collateralised tranches are the envy of many enlightened companies. And our numerous ongoing “discussions” with taxation authorities are a source of pride.

Stoney Goose Ridge has won many national and international awards – just a few highlights

  • Best social and new media campaign alignment strategies –Pure Blondette red wine- Thailand
  • Best innovative adhesive wine packaging –Emoh Ruo– Hong Kong
  • Platinum medallion for Pantone synergy wine labelling – Brosé – Venezuela
  • Short-listed for brand segmentation data-mining -Chicago
  • Best psychometric analytical personal development program (UK)
  • Enormous traction with our SEO and SEM performance
  • Record hits on my TED talk on “the China syndrome”
  • Best new beverage brand performance (wine) – Chamsecco® – Venice
  • Best new beverage brand performance (spirits) – The old Wood Duck – St Petersburg
  • Best new beverage brand (beer) – Seasonable Smashable – Geelong

And most importantly,

  • Record YOY sales uplift and EBITDA
  • New export to Nigeria, Cambodia and Myanmar
  • Record number of litigations initiated in numerous jurisdictions
  • Record level of damages awarded and costs retrieved, for copyright, libel, and contract breaches.
  • Record numbers of legal appeals in progress on technical grounds.
  • Various medals in wine (and beer, and spirit) shows
  • Record NPS scores, record brand recognition, recall – and brand financial valuation
  • Recognition of several wines as “emerging cult wines”.

And there is naturally, our strong community support, evidenced by matters including

  • Staff employed, and staff turnover
  • GST and other unavoidable levies paid
  • Tax relief, relocation allowances, export facilitation grants, royalty holidays, and other Government support that Stoney Goose Ridge has championed, and my charismatic networking mesmerisation has enabled
  • Support to charities – through contra, and a proportion of donations noted as “anonymous”

But at Stoney Goose Ridge we don’t rest. Our staff commit fully- or else.

I give 120% of my intellectual prowess and expect no less from my underlings and minions.

We plan ahead; in 2018 expect new products, new markets, and new ventures (even a cookbook is in progress). On a personal note, I acknowledge I can’t do it all; the commitment of my hand-picked executive team (I steer, they row), the support of my family, the care from my agent, PA, personal lawyer, media team, stylist and biographer.

Lastly, the enduring love from our customers for Stoney Goose Ridge is our greatest achievement; whether its from people reaching for our most basic entry-level wines, or the more sophisticated drinkers persuaded by our omni-channel approach to savour our premium, ultra-premium, hyper-premium, icon, uber, mega-rare and our myriad of other lifestyle segmented brands.

I recognise that competition in my chosen industry is ferociously endemic; and there is jealousy at our raging logarithmic success; there are also extensive CV’s in our slush pile, from people desperate to join our ranks. One very senior executive in a major beverage concern noted his extensive and wide-ranging experience – but we’re not interested in a jackass of all trades; we recruit congruently to fill strategic key niches.

As a family oriented company, staff will recall that annual leave is inflicted by meddling regulators – make the most of it by seeking improvements in our logistics, contracts, brand performance and so on, and return fully refreshed for the marathon tasks that will be assigned, and your increased KPI BHAG challenges. My senses are hyper-alert to your actions, and any diminution in enthusiasm, output or innovation will be crushed with astonishing rigour. But my motivational mastery and incisive guidance will continue to inspire your performances.

Once again, congratulations to those that have had their contracts renewed for their contributions in 2017, and we set sail into the stratosphere of the nouveau calendar 2018.

Raise a glass to the growing domination of Stoney Goose Ridge!

Yours passionately, Hector”