Stoney Goose Ridge EOY round-up 2022-23
Another year is over, with another well-deserved bonus for me. In fact, several employees also received small remuneration supplements after my distribution dwindled the incentive pool. I welcome several recent hires who bring outstanding investment management pedigrees, client orientation and result perspectives. This will supplement the vision of my own hardcore lens across the mercantile business entities.

Apart from the contributions of remaining staff, I particularly thank my supporting team – personal trainer, stylist, PA’s, chauffeur and biographer. Stoney Goose Ridge could not have completed its most successful year ever without their capacity to broadcast my inspirations and motivations down and across the organisation.

Our liquidity covenant headroom holds us in good stead. This enabled us to gather distressed assets (and alternative assets) of our suppliers and competitors. When opportunity knocks – however faintly – I swoop to conquer.

Meanwhile recent wine vintages have been difficult.  But the tide has gone out and we can see the finish line downstream. As ever, our competitors are awash in financial morasses, ethical scandals and gropethink. But their ongoing incompetence is astonishing. Whenever a new executive embarks on a myopic “listening tour”, I am amazed at this cavalier waste of time and money (WOTAM), bleeding their budgets while merely pumping the spurious hubristic tyres of their egos, while they seek glittering baubles of adoration. Caught in a web of their vacuous hyperbole, sponsoring their fancied hobby-horses so they can “network” in corporate boxes and mingle with A-Z grade rent-a-celebrities. Conflict of interest is an unknown concept, as they swim in related-party interest-free loans and outrageous share incentives. Stoney Goose Ridge is comprehensively vigorously vigilant in highlighting these numerous disgraceful shortcomings to media, courts, and Governments – any inaction concerning their overt transgressions is clearly due to nepotism and corruption.

While it’s difficult to make predictions – especially about the future – the inane blathering and forecasts about industry trends by the so-called leadership teams of my so-called peers truly makes astrology seem respectable. Their SNAFU strategies seem to consist of convoluted 360-degree U-turns, supported by inane puff-pieces propagated by “journalists” swilling in the trough of junkets on the gravy train.

Meanwhile at Stoney Goose Ridge, cashflow, customers and margins remain king! My team is wheeling and dealing 24/7, augmented by my magisterial managerial and marketing mentorship.

Our innovative legal section continues to thrash its way gathering punitive exemplary damages and colossal compensation, with selective use of no win-no fee, its caseload bulging with success. Add their sterling work on exploiting tax minimisation loopholes and extracting grants, subsidies etc and they fully deserve their incentivised remuneration packages.

Our rolling recruitment program (Project Android) continues to progress filling inevitable vacancies due to wastage, attrition and footprint expansion in our high-talent pool. We are ready to head-hunt in all glamour areas – taxation minimisation, legals, accounting and financial analysis, data mining, sales motivation, social media freneticism – even mundane beverage fabrication and nurturement. Project Medusa has had significant impacts in successfully tarnishing the image of “celebrity brands”, exposing their shameful peccadilloes, legal battles and infamous photos, videos, tweets and cover-ups. Project Klingon continues to bear fruit, seeding new markets in preparation for Stoney Goose Ridge by establishing beachheads in hostile markets. We take no prisoners, and fully enjoy routing the opposing forces and smashing the fragile force-fields shielding their mediocre, subsidized, overpriced alcoholic confections.

I refuse to allow regulatory straightjackets or ludicrous “sin” taxes to stifle our trajectory momentum. I am busy with full-frontal head-high evidence-based persuasive tackles on impediments, forensically renowned for woking up bureaucrats and legislators for the benefit of their stakeholders – which incidentally includes Stoney Goose Ridge.

New releases
We continue to extend our fully trademarked DRC (Decisive Real Champions) range. This is – yet another – of my passion projects, my inspirations assisted by a team of researchers (interns, work experience, trainees, juniors, etc), using atypical standard beverage industry data-mining tools of property and tax records, electoral rolls, local landmarks, genealogy and so on. In short, years of collaborative toil following the discovery process, all purposed to vindicate the evident connection to the wines’ inherent nomenclature.

These are very serious wines not akin to the well-known Randall Grahm’s Bonny Doon whimsies (Cardinal Zin, Big House Red, Old Telegram, Le Cigare Volant, Il Fiasco, Clos de Gilroy etc etc) and absolutely not droll copycats like Fairview’s Goats do Roam and Goat Rotie.

We have stringent lease/buyback/profit-sharing arrangements for new plantings and winemaking allied with my profound involvement in the assessment and triage. The following wines will be progressively released over the coming twelve months when I deem marketing conditions are apposite.

• Clos de la Rocks
• Clos de Lampreys
• Clos de Tar
• Clos du Marky
• Chateau Cannon
• Chateau Fig-axed
• Chateau Hugh Bryan
• Chateau la lagoon
• Chateau Left feet
• Chateau Leo’s Villa las Casa
• Chateau Mountain rockslide
• Chateau Oz-owned
• Domaine D Jack
• Maison Lee Royal
• Paul Rodger (only col fondo at this stage)
• Quinta do Novel
• Coast gorse
• Seeming Legal
• Vega sans Silica
• Blass Phillip
• Hill of grass
• Mount Marty

What a sublime collection! Labels have been embossed with respectful and entirely legal homage to what might have accidentally inspired them, by the celebrated artiste Binksy. Sublime quality is certain. Mega award-winning presentation, individually numbered, with a personally hand-signed certificate of authenticity. In some examples there are only three barrels; at best only ten barrels, with the wines truly expressing their natural micro and macro sub-terroir characters, under fully sustainable biogeneric principles.

These DRC wines are all made in minuscule quantities and destined for our extreme high-rolling net worth whale collectors – financiers, oligarchs and so forth; members of our exclusive 88 club.

Branding and diversity update
Adventure afar (AA), celebrates our retargeted strategic global premiumisation thematic, with omnichannel touchpoints including packaging, POS, OOH, digital, experiential, social and events across key live markets. Media partners and our global customer audience adore this refreshed conceptual vitality framework plus its adjacency synergies defined across the metaverse.

Stoney Goose Ridge is exclusively disruptive and inclusive, expanding our respected x-culture generational power brand, transcending beverage categories, catering for the rising value category of the Luxuriant culture pioneer. The halo of our premium luxury icons brandlines transcendently cascades through other fully balanced price-point ecosystem categories.

Our social media impact is gargantuan, almost as stunningly impressive as our carbon-neutral green offset aspirational framework principles.

I am proud of our diversity; it’s not a matter of numbers and categories- we have a startling range across full-time, part-time and casual employees, and (where permitted) commission-only – with wide-spread age-ranges.  We have direct employees, contractors, agents and consultants. We have a range of academic qualifications, varying from rudimentary to those bursting with multiple tertiary degrees (such as myself). Salaries, wages, entitlements and bonuses are extremely disparate. Personnel are based in a (growing) number of countries, with varied ethnic, demographic, linguistic and supplementary characteristics. We respect that staff have private, personal lives that we support to the extent that they never interfere with their agreed committed contractual KPI obligations.

We only lack diversity in talent. We recruit with mutually understood expectations that all levels entirely execute their deliverables. This requires attitude and unrelenting application. Staff are fully supported through our appropriately infamous up-skilling in-house development programs. Further, all personnel know they have access to my Holmesian problem-solving skills, experiential omnipotence, communication excellence and unfailing intuition.

Conclusion
My favourite question? How quickly can you increase my allocation of Stoney Goose Ridge?

Your revered hyper-aggressive leader, Hector Lannible