Stoney Goose Ridge CEO Hector Lannible’s EOY wrap of 2022 staff message, at last!

It’s been a difficult but rewarding year.

In calendar 2022, I enjoyed quality family time with short breaks in Aspen and Milan plus some well-deserved long weekends at Noosa, Port Douglas, Cradle Mountain, Margaret River, Portsea and the Flinders Ranges.

For the staff that were allowed to WFH (with key-logging, CCTV and other supervisory requirements), doubtless this made it simpler to attend our family-friendly daily 7am Zoom briefings.

Travel restrictions from COVID have now eased, so my worklife has been largely consumed by essential reconnection to suppliers, agents, employees, trade and Government representatives. Add my keynote speeches at assorted conferences, TED, accepting the voluminous marketing awards, plus recent critical networking engagements at the Superbowl, Australian Open and elsewhere.

My relentless focus on margins continues – a combination of brand premiumisation, ruthless cost-cutting, maximising trade grants and subsidies, exploiting taxation loopholes combined with our renowned extraordinarily momentous litigious manoeuvres.

Obviously, nearly all staff had their bonus expectations annihilated, and received a laser lesson in my metric-driven expectations.  Those that did not achieve “satisfactory” ratings for their KPI deliverables had instant automatic access to alternate external opportunities, apart from serving out their extended unpaid non-competition periods. Several performance reviews migrated into exit interviews. I did however find one employee with startling achievements and foresight – and under my ongoing mentorship will be joining the executive leadership team with a revised title and remuneration package plus oppressive responsibilities.

My own bonus was not as monolithic as in previous years, despite careful escape from our assorted crypto holdings one week before they crashed. My ownership interest in Stoney Goose Ridge merely ratcheted up to 28%. Of course, I have sufficient assets to purchase the firm outright, but even with other investment opportunities, clearly, I have colossal skin in the game.

I was also busy beating back persistent approaches by “Managing Partners” from the usual consulting firms, generally suggesting Stoney Goose Ridge employ their analytic expertise for nebulous and dubious “category development exploration”, “customer journey mapping” and “organisational re-alignment”. They somehow forgot the infamous bidding war for my services as a full partner while still at University; similarly, they assume I have no detailed knowledge – theory and practice- of 4S, TOSCA, MECE, Scamper, and other tools. And intimate access to the might of our data analytic practitioners. Perhaps they should note my MBA and observe that in my six-year tenure at Stoney Goose Ridge, EBIT has increased 5-fold, profit 12-fold, with killer brand awareness and loyalty. ROI, EPG, SEO, NAV etc ditto ad infinitum. Perhaps the consulting firms wish to garner and dissect our IP secrets of success? Regardless, they can return to their bunkers and recycle their dusty proposals to the gullible.

And I have leanly recruited talent while sweating our staff assets to the max. There was the usual voluminous barrage of multi-media CVs seeking employment, internships, cadetships, traineeships and work experience at Stoney Goose Ridge. Many called; few were chosen.

It is fortunate that the ineptitude of my competitors is astonishing. Their leaders and boards would achieve better results if they were replaced by sacks of potatoes – I could carve a banana with a stronger spine.  Decision-making, agility, and strategy- entirely absent. If you can’t cut the mustard, move to higher ground. Feathering their nests by milking their conflicts of interest. Their annual reports nonsensical prolix exemplars of self-serving hagiographic masterclasses in corporate doublespeak. Next step is replacing their press release puff-pieces of tripe via ChatGPT – if they are even aware. Their leadership excels in having much to be humble and modest about, bleating as they suffer the swings and harrows of outrageous fortune. What you see is all there is (WYSIATI).

When the China boom was lowered on their wine basket of nest-eggs, our competitors had to “pivot.” But changing horses midstream is a double-edged sword of Damocles. My cold, cold heart bleeds for our rivals- NOT.

Anyway, if through blind luck, nepotism or payola, a competitor’s beverage offers become successful, we have always been ready to expose the unethical or morally dubious antics of their brand ambassadors, thus eviscerating their labels – the inevitable consequence BOGOF offers and inventory write-downs. Or we create meaningful customer alternatives – such as Jason’s Creek, Cottage hill, Moister Bay, Black Rabbit, Shoeless, Gecko Falls, 16 Flames and Mellow Tale. Such is life, so it goes.

Stoney Goose Ridge
also justly celebrated assorted non-wine SKU product launches:

  • premixed cocktails, not just the typical cosmopolitan, expresso martini, margarita, bloody Mary, old-fashioned, daiquiri, Mai tai, Manhattan, amaretto, negroni and mojito, but a few specials – the “leap into an open grave” and the “big orgasm”. Naturally our premium cocktail range leaves other producers in the shade, quality-wise, thanks to my interventions in their formulations.
  • Zero (and near-zero) alcohol beers and spirits, under our umbrella branding paradigms Less is more! and D’lite, not intended to satisfy the wowsers and abstinent self-flagellating martyrs of Feb-Fast, dry July etc, or the conspicuously affluent consumers. Again, our adversaries provide a flavour-deficit, with their infallible inability to deploy the sensitive assemblage of base material and technical interventions. We deserve wealth and recognition from providing feel-good healthiness to the abstemious.
  • Packaging into cans, pouches, growlers, paper and plastic bottles. If the market, margin and motivation is present, we launch! And we did – leveraging niches is part of our corporate mRNA.

And of course, our ongoing beers, ciders, spritzers and spirits sales are gangbusters.

Merch sales are also fantastic, with social media ablaze with influencers and followers flaunting Stoney Goose Ridge apparel in exotic locales. And our POS paraphernalia continues to dazzle customers.

Adventure afar (AA) is our retargeted strategic global thematic, with omnichannel touchpoints including packaging, POS, OOH, digital, experiential, social and events across key live markets. Media partners and customers adore this refreshed conceptual vitality framework.

My biggest challenge has been sourcing supply to cover the inexorable sales growth of Stoney Goose Ridge. There is no compromise on quality, and it is fortunate that the world is awash with excess stock, giving a wide supply source – if my quality hurdles are met and the price can be optimised for our margins. Truly I am absolutely unique, with creativity, vision, direction, unparalleled negotiating prowess and riveting determination to untangle the sludge in supply chain bottlenecks.

Dealing with the media and press – gutter and otherwise- seeking my profound iron-disciplined evidence-based insightful wisdom on the world of alcohol is as tedious as the junkets and contra they expect.

I spent several days embedded in woodshedding with our wine fabricational staff. They had prepared hundreds of sample blends, with exemplars of their components and accompanying spreadsheets.  Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but when the facts emerged, their judgements were proven wrong. They were predictably enthralled by my swift assessments and the massive improvements made through my blending mastery, admiring the Midas touch of my magic wand. There is no substitute for virtuoso genius, despite their obsessive analytical endeavours and constant requests for additional devices, soil mapping drones and variegated storage- even new barrels every year! (my accountant joke!)

Believe the HYPE
To my disappointment, there have been no new wine brands released from Stoney Goose Ridge since early last year with our record-breaking World Heavyweight Champion. But here it comes.

We used Intercontinental blending material (ICBM) so Merlot from Bordeaux, Cabernet from China, and Carmenere from Chile, fully capturing the essence of their organic terroirs, and biodiversity paradigm.  And surprisingly, no component from Australia. As the premiere release, it was initially evaluated as ICBM #1. Appropriately, this uniquely revolutionary, ground-breaking contemporary concept is labelled “the Hype.” It comes with the usual proprietary QR, AR and a plethora of security devices to help further protect the iconic form of the Stoney Goose Ridge brand, prevent dilution from unauthorised copies and serve as a precedent across jurisdictions. Focus group participants begged to purchase the wine – for amounts well beyond its market tariff – as its sensuous aromatics, and sublime structural finesse flabbergasted their gustatory experiences.

Stoney Goose Ridge always wants its products to be available for our true hyper-dedicated fans, and it is priced at AU$ 38, NZ$ 41, US$ 26, GB£ 21 and €24. 2021 The HYPE is available from select outlets from 20 February, and of course via our multi-award-winning website.

And what a stunningly luminous collectable trompe-l’oeil label! The EOI for the 3D NFTs surge.

The wrap
There will be a barrage of typically glittering omni-channel launches in 2023.
Ubiquity is Utopia. Again, we celebrate our nimiblity – your motivational icon, Hector A Lannible


Hector and “minimal intervention” (NOB) wines

I, (Hector Lannible) am constantly approached by business leaders, Government Ministers and the assorted press – gutter and otherwise- seeking my profound wisdom on the world of alcohol. My evidence-based, iron-disciplined views are justifiably notorious.

So let me settle one controversial wine topic once and for all.

NOB – (Natural, Organic, Biodynamic) – hipster voodoo nonsense, or planet-saving healthiness?

No-one can deny trends in the wine industry. Huge strides have been made in grapegrowing, winemaking and, of course, marketing. We know all about getting the “right varieties in the right places,” old vines, and the cult of auteur winemakers.

Lately we’ve seen growing customer distrust of industrialisation; a desire for intimacy and diminished manipulation. For the story behind the wines. For doing more with less.

And the makers of these nouvelle vague wines often proudly boast they carry no winemaking qualifications, no vineyard or winery. Every wine is more honest, more compelling, and more rewarding than tricked up soulless mass-market wine products.

Critics might describe the NOB market as virtue-signalling, sandal-wearing, vegan tree-huggers with electric SUV’s. But these people are missing the key benefit of natural wine.

We can get it into the market quickly, and at a premium price.

What more could we ask for? Cashflow is king! Why bother with the time involved to make “proper” sparkling wine, with years of maturation when you can whip out “prosecco” in a few months. And why bother with that, when a “pet-nat” can grace the shelves mere weeks after harvest?

And, of course, Stoney Goose Ridge could not ignore the lucrative sales, margins, brand-building and resultant boost to my bonus.

Our wine people are always itching to tinker with new techniques and gadgetry. Thanks to my uncanny exploitation of R&D tax breaks, we have ceramic eggs, amphorae, prepared ambient yeasts, and many other toys. Under my benevolent oversight, winemakers carefully curate small batches, and after my brutal assessments and improvement finesses, these can readily transformed be into commercial wine lake quantities.

Our first lo-fi, hands-off “orange wine” Hipster’s Reward®,  laid waste to somms, and customers across several continents, smashing sales records. Our selected winemaking ambassadors fronted the media – with minders – flaunting their beards, tattoos, and piercings. Non-male winemakers too.

It was a runaway success, where our only key problem was making more!

Organic and biodynamic wines often have annoying and, frankly, unnecessarily laborious certification processes, with competing authorities, and ambiguous rules. This is ideal for Stoney Goose Ridge! We claim to abide by the principles but see no need to be hamstrung by red-tape stifling innovation.

And we are sensitive to feedback, with our massed lawyers always eager to issue writs for defamation, with corrective and humbling apologies and punitive damages sought.

Of course, our mainline is mainstream wines, utilising all the tools that make such a difference in improving quality and decreasing costs; mini-ox, oak chunks, reversal osmosis, flowcross filtering and so on in the winery, and spraying with mega-drones, and mechanical trimming and grape collection.

We even made a wine to appeal to the fervent anti-NOBs, an interstellar opposite, the ultra-hi-tech dark horse Miraculous Maximus Technoplex®.

At Stoney Goose Ridge, we are indifferently agnostic to unquantifiable customer beliefs. We proudly cater for all market matrices  that provide momentum-bursting growth and profitability metrics.

A wine worth the weight

As CEO of a global beverage company, every day has challenges – which I, Hector Lannible, broadcast to my staff at all hours, 24/7. Truly, my KPI intangibles are off the chart.

I was amazed to read recently that Jancis Robinson found a full wine bottle that weighed 2.043 Kg. My instant reaction was ‘That’s ridiculous’ and ‘surely we can do better!’

Many people believe impressively heavy wine bottles are a guarantee of inherent quality. Big is better. And filling market niches is the raison d’etre why Stoney Goose Ridge always has new wines in the pipeline ready to cascade to market.

Following Jancis’ inadvertent disclosure, I initiated yet another inspirational venture:

  • Create a massive heavy-weight bottle, and
  • Create a suitable flavour-packed wine worthy of this special package

Loyal customers thrilled when we released “The Black” a few years ago, a monumental flavour-bomb essence made from Zinfandel, Saperavi, Mataro, Durif and Tannat. Demand was ballistic.

But for this dreadnaught project we needed something completely different. I settled on the noblest variety: Cabernet Sauvignon – the undisputed King of Grapes – which I masterfully synergised with batches of Nebbiolo – acknowledged as a rival King.

Wood is good

With 100% new oak barrique maturation, this wine makes a profound statement. The cohort of Stoney Goose Ridge wine fabricators were again in awe of the outcome of my sublime virtuosic blending assemblage.

Considerable technical logistical challenges solved included manufacture of especially substantial glass bottles, extra-long Diam cork, the wax canopy, and the impressive, embossed label. All of these add lustrous icing to the cake. Our wine stands alone.

Unnecessarily restrictive Health & Safety restrictions mean this wine can only be packed in cartons of six bottles. But meritoriously, our prestigious hefty creation will survive a fall from a height of two metres.

When full, our new bottle weighs almost 2.5Kg, a 20% uptick and a giant progressive leap for the wine industry. Truly, we’ve set the hurdle at a new pinnacle for any vinous wannabe copycats. And that’s before we even get on to the sustainably harvested timber presentation case.

Marketing, branding and packaging awards are warranted, and I predict we’ll have to expand the trophy display warehouse. I can already hear the bleating squeals of tall-poppy jealousy. But once again Stoney Goose Ridge has snookered its competitors for a touchdown.

I’m sure we’ll attract specious dummy strawman objections on so-called “environmental” grounds. As if depriving consumers of freedom of choice helps the aspirational economic paradigm! That horse has firmly bolted from the starting blocks.

Serious responsibilities

Regardless, Stoney Goose Ridge takes its ESG obligations sanctimoniously, with developmental best-practice carbon offset, enlightened employment, and numerous evolutionary policies. To be totally clear: Stoney Goose Ridge is absolutely committed to the onboarding scoping process of its fungible MOU sustainability jurisdiction.

There is no doubt that our newest remarkable product is ground-breaking, and innovative. It stands alone as an outlier. Prodigious, and unchallenged. Olympian.

Which is why we have anointed it with the name World Heavyweight Champion™. Available right now from the finest retailers, it’s an impressive collector’s item, with both the package and its contents certain to provide admiration and enjoyment for years. It’s a guaranteed blue-chip super-premium icon luxury brand, unrivalled in its domineering attitude.

Pricepoint- wise, it is pitched within reach of memorabilia collectors, fine wine aficionados and the hyper-loyal Stoney Goose Ridge customer base. Internally, its value equation perfectly conforms to our stringent internal ROI pricing positioning metric margin principles. Plus it tastes great.

Long may this champion reign!

2020 Stoney Goose Ridge World Heavyweight Champion Cabernet-Nebbiolo.
RRP €60, £50.22, HK$531, $68US, $128AUS

Stoney Goose Ridge end of 2021 half-year review

Despite the difficulties of COVID, international logistics issues, and the dead hand of tariffs and taxation, Stoney Goose Ridge had another record-breaking year, nearly meeting most of my demanding stretch targets. The bean-counters have finished with their spreadsheets, and ritual accounting GL P&L minutiae. New markets, new products, and the constant task of meeting the insatiable demands of our hyper-loyal expanding customer base kept me at agile warp-speed velocity.

Certainly, Stoney Goose Ridge unerringly pinpoints the bullseye sweet-spot continuously.

We justly celebrated the acumen of commercial, business, and financial innovation with our release only a few months ago of “the Ponzi.” Options and futures on this item have now expired, and the limited release is no longer available for subscription. If you have any, lucky you!

As usual, the tranche of awards and prizes for our marketing campaigns, cutting edge design, outstanding leadership, and financial innovation stewardship, had a monumental uptick. My TED talks continue to be compulsive viewing.

Stoney Goose Ridge chooses not to participate in wine and spirit shows where “every child wins a prize,” nor entertain scribes with lavish junkets, nor flog our wares with fawning hyperbole. Unremitting fanatical praise from our consumers is our key reward. Further, my assessment of quality is far more rigorous than so-called qualified judges and their closed-shop cohort of cronies.

Sales, EBITDA, NPS, ESG, ROA, NAV, social media, and new product launches were satisfactory from my standpoint, with lapses caused solely by personnel blinking at critical moments, thereby failing to fulfil my objectives. My incessant hyperactive management means those underlings now seek alternative opportunities since they abandoned the wholesome family of Stoney Goose Ridge. My frenetic trading in alternative crypto- currencies and NFTs was also naturally lavishly lucrative.

Our legal domain has a record number of cases underway, with progress slowed by Court, Tribunal, and rulings inertia – allegedly due to COVID constraints. This means 2022 anticipates a deluge of favourable decisions, with appropriately punitive exemplary costs and windfall damages. And we have buckets of new litigation planned.

Our success has been orchestrated by my peerless magnetic personality and persuasiveness, partially blunted by the lack of face-to-face meetings, with Zoom and Teams a dull substitute. But this allowed me more time to work on strategy, and to email relentless concrete action demands to the workforce, insisting on “Citius, Altius, Fortius,” reinforced with blistering texts and phone calls.

Stoney Goose Ridge has not succumbed to the fad of “celebrity booze.” Typically, actors, so-called musicians, and internet poseurs may licence their names as a brand, sometime even having some trivial tangential role in the production, or labelling. Few people can withstand scrutiny of their past crimes, escapades and attitudes, racism, sexism, domestic violence, irrational texts, tweets, images, private videos and so on. Our rare social media ambassadors and influencers ran the gauntlet of a 106-question checklist to reach the starting gate. Stoney Goose Ridge will not produce any of the salacious records of aspirants that were rejected – except under court orders – unless in the public interest.

I provided a monster list of potential brandnames to our analysts, and these capable data-nitpicking elves trawled through historic records to find potential grape sources. Our winemakers provide samples for my assessment and sublime blending conclusions. These outstanding efforts are bottled under our DRC label (Decisive Real Champions) and so far, we have released the stellar blue-chip Chateau Margot, Chateau Shovel Blanc, Chateau Angela’s, Chateau Lapin, Clos de Bees, Hill of Graci, Stone’s Terraces, and one (so far) wine from Henry Jaya- (Clos Parasol).

DRC wines are produced at the premium price-point they deserve, restricted to our very special clients, on application and allocation. Our discretion to these VVIP tycoons is assured, whether their expertise lies in one-to-many pharma, logistics to freedom fighters, taxation nano-minimisation, wagering, facilitating, and brokering local distribution, running monopolies, Governments, finance innovation, or loosely, entertaining the huddled masses.

These DRC wines are the true showcase expression of their micro-terroir and pay exceptional homage to their historical antecedents – awash with innovative artwork styled by HALHector Achilles Lannible, (myself) and replete with microchip, QR and other blockchain security protections. These extraordinary wines have already made rare appearances on the secondary market with stratospheric interest, and prices. The winemakers who source these amazingly meritorious batches are rightly celebrated with my personal recognition, a deserved micro-bonus, and several bottles of their produce. Naturally, this reward comes with a binding agreement for themselves, their heirs, and successors in perpetuity not to sell, trade, exchange ….and so forth, to avoid damage to the brandage and the market.

But while adding to the lustre of Stoney Goose Ridge as a renowned global luxury icon brand, the DRC range is an infinitesimal volume of our torrential innovative array of wines, beers, spirits, ciders, spritzers and so on, which are our lifeblood bread-and-butter staples. A glittering range of transubstantiated beverage creations is scheduled for 2022, which will fundamentally disrupt the apple-cart of our rivals. I promise tantrums, blood, sweat and tears for them.

Stoney Goose Ridge has the terrific ongoing blessing of self-immolation from our competitors. Their vision, capability and execution are risible; apart from panic, their three speeds are slow, very slow and stop; their intellects modest at best – a career pivot to ballast or crash test dummies overdue. Addicted to the perpendicular pronoun, OTT FOMO and unable to STFU, their faces are made for podcasts; their manners for the zoo, their irrational, incomprehensible utterances and scribbles suitable only for collection in anthologies of business ineptitude. With supine Boards, shareholder apathy, and their snouts in the trough of the gravy train, long may their reign continue!

There are tens of thousands who read my daily zeitgeist; I have been described as “very remarkable, someone of rare perspicacity, with extraordinary talents and incomparable nobility of character…with qualities especially famed, namely self-sacrifice, devoted friendship, nobility of purpose, perceptiveness, ingenuity and courage.” I humbly agree with that impartial assessment, although certain attributes have been overlooked, doubtless through lack of space.

My festive break will once again consist of ruthless triage of the acreage and pixelage of submissions from candidates seeking internships, and multi-media CVs for the rare vacant positions that I did not directly catapult elite talent into.

I will also turn the screws on the deluge of plaintive proposals from rivals who – surprise surprise – found themselves with meagre or non-existent cashflow, excess inventory, equipment, staff, land, leases, and other generic afflictions. Many companies are still trying to unload their smoke-tainted wine onto ignorant losers. Ha! Stoney Goose Ridge is always alert to take maximum advantage of opportunities when we smell blood in the air, and we decisively snapped up evidence-backed assets at subterranean bargain-basement rates.

Meanwhile, staff – except those on essential duties during the festive break – can concentrate on self-reflection and preparation for their looming performance review, focussing on how they can improve, with fulsome admission of their shortcomings. Pledged commitments are always required. I am pleased to note that nearly a handful of staff achieved a bonus this year. This is a rare honour, and a tribute to their heroic endeavours under my oppressive supervisionary oversight, wisdom and profound stimulation.

Again, several staff were promoted – in title or remuneration – testament to their ability to absorb some portion of my on-the fly-masterclasses in negotiation, creativity, strategic planning directionality, project plan dimensioning, financial and taxation circumlocution, as well as tactical organoleptic analysis. All are aware of my renowned open-door policy, and readiness to provide 30-second consultations – sometimes more!- and incisive guidance.

Families are a wonderful diversion from the ceaseless demands of commerce; I’m certain that among our FTEs, contractors, consultants and agents, there have been romances, heartbreaks, personal development, and triumphs, possibly even new workplace opportunities. My own family welcomes my holiday presence, lamenting that there will be essential protracted international business travel in the next twelve months. At least we can now plan a sensible holiday – perhaps Cannes, shows on Broadway or the West End, or ski-Ing in Switzerland – feasibly all of these, plus short local breaks at Thredbo, Uluru, Rottnest, and Cradle Mountain

My slim, lean, dream-team of PA’s, media, archivist, biographer, stylists etc loosely met their base KPIs of “turn up, keep up and shut up.” They are continually thrilled and amazed, absorbing my hands-off mentoring. Direct reports and staff during our 360-degree processes mentioned my inspirational catalytic galvanisation capabilities, anticipating the starter’s gun with a monkey-wrench, thereby short-circuiting our oppositions’ intentions.

Finally, management consultants recommended that my Stoney Goose Ridge CEO duties should be more formally defined and delegated to a Global Sales and Marketing Director, Head of Beverages, CFO Finance, Legal Director, and Head HR (Human Remains). These will be my new direct reports and the search is underway. Staff in related positions must prepare for the inevitable ruthless and gruelling rounds of interviews, scenarios, and presentations. In the meantime, we accepted the benchmarked recommendation that my base remuneration be tripled and backdated with a commensurate increase in my potential bonus. My key-man insurance and “golden handcuffs” have also been significantly upgraded.

Gather with your family, and any friends to raise a glass of enticing mildly intoxicating Stoney Goose Ridge – in drinkwise moderation – to celebrate this year’s glorious achievements under my exemplary leadership.

Buckle in for the tightrope ride in 2022, a whirlwind roller-coaster awaits!

In solidarity, your legendary, generous CEO, Hector.

Stoney Goose Ridge releases “the Ponzi”

It’s been a long time to introduce new drinks from Stoney Goose Ridge. Blame it on Covid, blame it on China, blame it on the boogie, but such is life. The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest. So it goes.

There are many affluent people engaged in the wine industry; most were wealthier before they started producing. Doctors, lawyers, merchant bankers, mass-entertainment headliners and start-up moguls purchased hobby farms or existing wineries, with little insight into the time, money and traumas involved in the tasks of growing, making and selling wine. Truly, many a slip twixt the sap and the lip.

There are also vinous trophy hunters with gargantuan collections of unicorn, rare and expensive wines (DRC, le Pin, Petrus, Leroy, Jayer, Egon Muller and Prum auction TBA’s and eisweins, Clos du Mesnil, Salon, et al) – in magnum or bigger – paraded before their acolytes, cronies and near-peers). Typically, these collectors are united by their inarticulate poverty of wine appreciation, and venerate wines that are obviously decrepit relics, or with faults that render the wine unpalatable. The label, and the arcane archaeology of the provenance outweigh the calibre of the contents. Sometimes these wines appear at auction, often caused by the “3Ds” (Disease, Divorce, Death), with startlingly stratospheric reserve prices – or egotistically donated to “Charity auctions” for bragging rights. It’s likely some of the treasures are “Rudi” wines.

Most wine production costs are incurred upfront; land purchase, trellising, rootling supply, water, pesticides, picking, making, storage, bottling and packaging, and the funds necessary to make this investment. There are many decisions along the way, plus the curious interventions of weather, legislative intrusions, and personal difficulties. It’s only the end-product that makes the journey worthwhile, and even then, it needs to be sold. Fortunately, there are select people with portions of my munificent talent, and occasionally some of our competitors’ wines can even approach the excellent pedigree of entry-level Stoney Goose Ridge throughput.

But we are here to celebrate the way many business people through the ages have nurtured their fortunes, in the true spirit of financial entrepreneurship. How often in business life are there situations where there is growth in sales, assets, profits, and yet there are transient cash flow issues? One way forward is by soliciting loans and reinvesting in the progress and advancement of the company. Many resort to loan sharks or bridging finance at injuriously punitive interest rates.

Sometimes financial stresses are caused by corrupt employees, siphoning – for years- with bogus invoices supporting extravagant lifestyles with impulses attributed to gambling or substance addictions, luxury vehicles, designer apparel, lavish travel, and extravagant entertainment. Sometimes instances are publicised, but frequently the offenders remain undetected, or are shuffled out quietly to protect the company from embarrassing revelations about their systemic forensic inadequacies. It’s seldom “headless body in topless bar”; more usual is “no one hurt in small earthquake”.

There’s a fine line between a hot tip and insider trading. Enforcement is difficult, as evidence is ambiguous, typically transient. and well disguised.  Courts are baffled by fogs of competing timelines, spreadsheets and byzantine scenarios even when the stench of overt corruption is nauseating. That’s unless the suspects disappear overseas – ideally to countries without extradition treaties – in to live in luxury (thanks to “kind-hearted benefactors”) despite having no assets. It’s a slippery slope that lets the genie out of the bottle, with no turning back.

I am awed by judicial views that BNPL schemes for FMCG do not have credit implications, that UBER, and assorted food delivery drivers are not employees, and that “casual” workers can have fixed rosters for years.  Like all rulings, there is seemingly no limit to appeals and reversals – subject to litigant willingness to contribute funds to participate in the lottery, where roughly one-third of decisions are reversed at each successive level (“the facts of the case are intelligible to the least-instructed layman, and the only persons utterly at sea are those connected with the law” AP Herbert).

Similarly, defamation laws apparently exist solely to line the pockets of thin-skinned politicians – adept in rolling out the pork barrel until the music stops – and celebrities.  Truth is often not a valid defence. Come on dollar, come on! Little action has been taken to quash “phoenix” businesses that leave a trail of debts, and then fold. Mysteriously, the directors establish a very similar business, often at the same premises with assets transferred. In larger corporate failures, liquidators indulge in a feeding frenzy on the carcass to consume residual assets, leaving little for creditors.

The true vinous innovators are not the viticulturalists, winemakers, or the chemists. Yes, we are grateful for glass bottles, seals, vats, presses, and harvesting tools. But the most important artisans are clearly those with finance calculations firmly in their headlights.

Often when travelling, a crowd is gathered around someone with a ball in three cups, or three cards. The itinerant swindlers and their accompanying stooges make their living cheating the innocent. Or do they? The learned Fields stated “It’s the old army game, you can’t cheat an honest man, don’t give a chump a chance, never give a sucker an even break”.  If something is too good to be true, you are asking for trouble – unless you bale out in time.

The wonderfully inventive Ponzi (pyramid schemes) consume the payments of later investors to reimburse earlier contributors. Mathematically, it doesn’t work in the long run. Those at the top of the tree skim as much as feasible along the way.  The typical cross-web of related party transactions, and lavish sponsorship of sporting clubs seems innate. Whistle-blowers (aka “disgruntled employees”) are ostracised, and lambasted. Years later, after the companies are shredded, court cases are launched to retrieve damages from entities with no assets, with little penalty for the perpetrators due to their previously distinguished unblemished career, contributions to the community, advanced age, ill-health, the stress of delays of proceedings, sincere remorse etc.

Stoney Goose Ridge has no tolerance for any of these shameful activities. Renowned for our hyper-aggressive tax strategies, stringent HR policies, ironclad contracts and phenomenal litigation initiatives, our prime mission is to increase the well-being of the fanatical imbibers of our assorted alcoholic beverages. Our encouragement of the whistle-blowers of our competitors and obsessive follow-up through regulators is a tribute to our moral and ethical diligence.

I, Hector Achilles Lannible, am thusly proud to launch The Ponzi, a wine destined to ascend the podium to the pantheon of Stoney Goose Ridge brands. Development of its framework has been guided by overarching positioning, assisted by insights of our community engagement program.

The Ponzi is made from carefully blended Italianate varietals, including portions of Aglianico, Barbera, Corvina, Dolcetto, Montepulciano, Nebbiolo, Nerello Mascalese, Nero, Sangiovese, plus Teroldego grown in a multiplicity of regions. Blending was undertaken and as always, my masterly personal attention resulted in a wine that left the team astonished at my unrelenting nano-detailed prowess.

Expect a typical cavalcade of monumental flavour; authentic savoury terroir-derived attributes, showcasing black Doris plum and Bickford lime cordial, an iron fist in a velvet glove, finishing with a peacock’s tail – suitable for most repasts whether casual or celebratory. Approachable now but with the capability to mature for decades.

The front label image of The Ponzi is licenced from Joseph Banksy, a true artist who has overcome personal adversity with addictions, mental frailties, and other struggles that I will reluctantly not mention due to my concern for his personal privacy in Byron Bay.

Hurry to your concierge to reserve your exclusive tranche of liquid assets, as stocks are strictly limited. There is a certificate of authenticity for every case of individually numbered bottles, magnums, jeroboams, and larger formats. Each verification carries the personal signature of Stoney Goose Ridge CEO Hector Lannible.

The Ponzi RRP $AUS44, $NZ40 $US30, €25, £25

Stoney Goose Ridge EOFY results 2021

It’s been a year of consolidation for Stoney Goose Ridge. We continue to deliver joy to our growing cohort of enthusiastic consumers, our alcoholised portfolio suite providing a real buzz. For the first time under my inspirational stewardship, we did not achieve at least 20% sales growth – although this benchmark is obviously harder to achieve each year. However, we smashed targets on margin, profit, customer stickiness and all social media measures. Although Forbes does not include us in their top 200, Interbrand and Millward Brown have both recognised the unparalleled trajectory of Stoney Goose Ridge in their brand valuation methodologies. Further, with a venture into Bitcoin, in technical parlance, we made “a motza”.

I don’t blame COVID and the massive tariffs imposed by China for market difficulties. These did not affect Stoney Goose Ridge directly. However, the hopelessly myopic antics of our competitors dumping their bloated wine inventories did not help. Adept in brand trashing and customer loyalty damage, they initiated a price war in a race to the bottom. Stoney Goose Ridge does not participate in this value destruction. Incidentally, we were offered land under vine, bulk and packaged wine stock, plant and equipment, warehousing, bottling lines and much more. Where appropriate, we made very selective purchases at derisory prices. These acquired assets will drive profits for years to come.

The only new product launched this year was our “found” whisky Glen 20. We had sufficient complications sourcing quality material to match the growth of our many other wine, beer and spirit brands to meet the insatiable appetite of our hyperloyal customer base. Mind, we have enormous plans for the coming year with a veritable tsunami in the pipeline. Sourcing, blending, branding, labels, press releases, launch plans, and the supply chain are all prepared, so watch out!

Few companies boast a CEO with a Rhodes Scholarship, Harvard MBA and the youngest-ever full partner at one of the “big 4” management consulting companies, even negotiating bonuses during internship.  As a multi-millionaire during my first year at university through options trading and property development, my record is startling. The numerous academic awards and accolades achieved throughout my education are a sidelight. After a lucrative stint helping dramatically improve the fortunes of many enterprises, and resisting countless headhunters, I took a career break to nurture Stoney Goose Ridge from a modest medium-sized family company into an international powerhouse.

Litigation progress has been slowed by court sluggishness; fortunately, this stalling enabled numerous new actions to be initiated on trademarks, enforcing our detailed contracts, and drafting the necessary background papers and legislation to improve our financial well-being. Stoney Goose Ridge remains an exemplar in the utilisation of low-tax domiciles and our absolute exploitation of COVID business subsidies.

I have participated in fewer seminars this year; Zoom is not the most appropriate medium to display my sublime networking wizardry. Obviously, I could have indulged in essential overseas business travel, but being required to quarantine would have limited my whirlwind brainstorming. COVID thus ensured greater availability for relentless hands-on mentoring of my local top talent; however it complicated my essential wine blending prowess.  Samples needed to be transported to me, meaning reduced efficiency in my mentorship of winery staff on how their efforts can be improved in quality, marketability and profitability – just one of my obsessive critical tasks.

Like most staff, COVID has impacted my home life too; my daughter’s ballet and equestrian dressage interests were restricted; my son’s yachting and marlin fishing challenged; my wife’s charity routines severely curtailed. We did not go to Aspen or the Seychelles this year, having to economise with short glamping breaks in Broome, Noosa, Queenstown and Port Douglas.

Our liquor rivals’ inarticulate PR-led keywords of “pivot”, “premiumisation” and “transitioning” made me vomit. Apart from their public bleatings, these “leaders” are on the back foot trying to keep their ships flying under the radar. Shareholder revolt is overdue to abandon these pedestrian bunglers and tackle their undeserved exorbitant remuneration and unmerited bonuses. Look at their hamfisted two-left-feet performance like lemmings in the headlights, lacking any cogent strategy, urgency or implementation skills. Contrast this situation where even my own anticipated compensation package was somewhat diluted by events.

I remain committed to the ongoing recruitment, development, pastoral care and ESG responsibilities for Stoney Goose Ridge staff, consultants, contractors, interns, and counterparts within our subsidiaries and related entities. In my Board roles at various business representative groups, I have been uniquely forceful in facilitating strategic amelioration stakeholder collaborative frameworks, driving B2B blockchain and streamlining transnational market regulation rationalisation.

The corporate jet has been used less; its pilots and my drivers had to share in less glamorous essential business tasks. Many staff were required to work from home; thankfully our collaborative software and sophisticated realtime online tracking ensured rigorous compliance to KPI responsibilities. Nevertheless, the bonus pool was diluted by circumstances, and only superhuman efforts such as my own can be rewarded. This will be explained forcefully in looming performance appraisals for staff that survived the periodic position culls. Challenging new targets will be confirmed, with maximum exertions necessary.

Your esteemed leader through adversity and paradigm upheavals, Hector Lannible

Stoney Goose Ridge EOFY report 2019-2020

Once again, it’s been a uniquely unprecedented year of challenge for Stoney Goose Ridge. Widespread local bushfires, associated smoke taint, drought and reduced yields had profound impacts. The undeniable journey of climate change continues its adverse ravages. Onerously, we are smothered by compliance to an infestation of intrusive legislation and opaque interpretations. I am determinately resolved to derail this insidious black hole of bureaucratic red tape.

We released the Miraculus Maximus Technoplex®, our authentic avant-garde antidote to exotic, funky “natural wines”. Our crowd-sourced JV the Black– was the biggest, burliest, bruisiest, brawniest, red wine conceivable, and attracted new relationship patronage within our insatiable orbit. Our heartland customer base continues their fanatical NPS loyalty excitement with purchase and consumption of the prolific existing and iconic Stoney Goose Ridge affiliated resonating lifestyle beverage produce.

We rolled out in synchronised lockstep to further macro export territories.

Our ancient bespoke whisky collectable Glen 20 – now sold out – was geared for launch, with phenomenal traction within its prioritised target market of oligarchs, Hollywood royalty, sporting megastars and affluent net-worth moguls.

We surpassed SEO, SEM and other critical BHAG stretch metrics through traditional, digital and social platforms. Our omni-channel influencers inspire acquisitions from next-gen millennial X, Y and Z cohorts. Our holistic grasp of customer wallet-share is unparalleled.

Stoney Goose Ridge garnered abundant prestigious awards for media penetration, POS mechanics, advertising tensility, campaign presence, brand narrative prominence, online e-commerce cyber portal website footprint stickiness, AI resonance integration, accounting disintermediation, hyper-aggressive tax transparency minimisation and goodwill intangible monetization. This glittering swag of accolades is acknowledged. Our data mining team pioneered isotopic interstitial matrix array fluidity analysis with associated granular augmented echelon parameter strata algorithm initiatives.

Revenue and profitability improved – a volatility shortfall in forecast on-premise transactions was camouflaged by ferocious direct sale statistics.  ARPU per SKU UOM uplifted, with P&L SGARA (EBITS) bottom-line fundamentals tracking to be characteristically colossal before the treadmill of the extraordinary roller-coaster COVID events.

Appropriate weighting applied to our mandatory corporate core ESG responsibilities. Stoney Goose Ridge championed active philanthropic engagement with community organisations – sporting, charitable, health-oriented, social and educational – via reciprocal FOC sponsorship contra tranches, and collaborative hybrid branding largesse. Carbon-neutrality sustainability syndrome was over-achieved, and objectives attained for inclusive pure diversity ecosystems. Our rainbow coalition of outsourced partners, contractors, consultants, associates, and agents met contracted KPIs. Our legal armada was obsessed with copious litigation; their reputation as bottom-feeding hyenas unprecedented in jurisprudential circularity.

I take fulsome credit for decimating interest rates charged, renegotiating leases, and squeezing suppliers to knife-edge implosion.

Our cadenced agenda of stellar cost-cutting continued; we ensure outgoings are minimised and deferred to the maximum extent tolerated. Discretionary expense claims were fully legitimised. Stock shrinkage is not accepted- our unwavering laser focus on operational solidarity attained 6-sigmoid altitudes. Ironclad hedged forex quarantine positions ensured hypothecated currency gyration irrelevancy.

It is imperative that all staff reflect on these results -supplemented by my contextual commentary – and formulate a SMART empirical action plan of direct, concrete, accretive activities to enrich Stoney Goose Ridge. These will be cascaded for dynamic implementation.

Acclaimed as an enlightened transformational enterprise, Stoney Goose Ridge is dedicated to the gospel lexicon of profitable growth deliverables. As a premiere transnational empire, we are deluged with CV submissions. Constantly talent-spotting, my mandate is to fill essential lacunae in our human resource repertoire. Successful candidates are immersed in our magnetic cultural fabric during their probation. And we nurture the latent Ninja potential of our extant workforce, encouraging personal development, bolstered by accredited in-house opportunities including the treasured benefit of access to my osmotic mentorship.

In my role as CEO, the “E” emphatically encompasses Evangelist, Explorer, Entrepreneur and Exceptional. Every humble employee is fully empowered to access my collaborative guidance, and fearless trailblazing ideation.

Competitors have tried to emulate the Stoney Goose Ridge juggernaut- predictably, their failures catapulted them into the limelight of derision, revealing the brittle miasma of their anaemic corporate house of cards; their reputations in epic freefall, eviscerated by the infallible barometric blowtorch of alienated public opinion.

I am astonished by our competitors’ systemic capacity for customer enragement.  They own a cavalier tolerance of toxic conflicts of interest, nepotism, and personality cults demanding sycophantic obeisance to their leadership teams. Their decision-making mimics monkeys at a dartboard attempting to replicate the output of Warren Buffett. We encourage whistle-blowers at these corrupt businesses to pursue exposure of their exorbitantly overpaid Boards and incompetent management.  I anticipate companies concerned will doubtless unleash broadsides to torpedo messengers into silence, but we stand behind informants with our seamless force-field of moral authority. Stoney Goose Ridge also plays its virtuoso mantra, illuminating appalling competitor behaviour to variegated industry, regulatory, and Government entities.

COVID was the black sheep dinosaur in the room. The tentacles of this bombshell had potential effects on our staff EQ health and welfare, but detrimental consequences were fully ameliorated and mitigated via a blitzkrieg of original protocol documentation and compulsory individual training.

My skilful contingency planning foresight enabled prompt exercise of alternative templates. We circumnavigated through the COVID seismic maze of chaotic headwinds. When our rivals belatedly woke, they again grasped they had been gazumped and leapfrogged by the leviathan powerhouse of Stoney Goose Ridge.  Our organic growth manifesto was not corralled, and my obfuscatory masstige premiumisation meta-strategy has been wholly validated.

There was residual upside in the silver clouds in the icing of the cake of the COVID lining. Rivals in cash-flow crisis offered brand, stock, land, and equipment. We have thus harvested unsolicited strategic infrastructure instruments in windfall firesale bloodbaths. This fine-tuned investment bonanza has not diminished our funding reserves. Further dead ducks are in our crosshairs – nimble business action stations as usual.

As well as horizon paradigm planning and talent augmentation, my stewardship is monopolised by eradicating supply impediments, and escalating production to balance the sales trajectory of our product cornucopia. With YOY double-digit growth, it is incumbent to finesse quality congruence within supply-chain vertices. Any relaxation in warp speed sales custom momentum eases distributional logistics. That’s the bedrock of our roadmap in a nutshell. At Stoney Goose Ridge, none of our optimised umbrella of technology assets have atrophied or been mothballed. Our inventory backlog is now at record low concentrations, except for our stunning tsunami of looming crafted brand launches intricately embedded in the pipeline.

My critical – and arduous- travel commitments have been jettisoned in the past few months. This meant more 24/7 time at the helm of the engine room hub at HQ control centre for networking advocacy with stakeholders, leveraging every sub-atomic particle of assistance, tax relief, alleviation, subsidy, abatements, waivers, grants, stimuli and sustenance from all layers of Government within Australia and offshore.  My additional accessibility has strengthened familial bonds, as well as crucial hands-on nano-oversight improving the predatory competence of my senior executives. They all unreservedly embraced my lavish, devoted attention.

The bandwidth of our post-modern portfolio basket is matchless. Designs are advanced for exotic metamorphosis in reduced alcohol, lower-carb, ciders, kombucha, spritzers, pre-mixed, wholesome flavour-enhanced, vitamin-enriched, plus alternative packaging materials, as well as our lifeblood steady-state vinous, spirituous and hop-based alcoholised potions. Our terroir-centric blending wizardry is critical to the success mission of Stoney Goose Ridge and rely on my authoritative nuanced organoleptic proficiency. But we only unleash projects when temporal viability is impeccably holistic.

My lean personal PAs, stylists, trainer, media support crew and so on deserve special accolades for their enduring attention to detail, actioning my incisive brainstormed insights with axiomatic alacrity. Mass media attention, plus analytical commentary throughout diverse global press, inspirational contributions at seminars, TED, radio, TV, podcasts, and sophisticated social media podia form part of my dizzy accountabilities – conducted flawlessly, with monumental impact.

Our frontline fabrication, distribution and support teams operated adequately, meeting baseline hurdle expectations. Personnel was further enhanced in median aptitude quality quanta by discarding underperforming headcount via regular appraisal triage. Selected interns, trainees, juniors and other staff deserved their downstream merit-based incentivisation recognition. My own particular fully-vested STI bonus package jackpot was justifiably luxuriant.

When the pendulum rotates and light returns to the sharp end of the tunnel, we will triumphantly commemorate our flotilla of achievements. In the meantime, momentarily raise an invigorating glass of one of the myriad Stoney Goose Ridge flagship beverages and celebrate! Buckle in, commit to my motivational prowess and recognise my future-proofed energised hyperdrive for sustained velocity. Team, the rest – if any- depends on the unstinting execution of your shoulders, heads, hands, and hearts.

Charismatically yours, Hector Lannible.

Stoney Goose Ridge releases a very ancient whisky!

Merely eighteen months ago, Stoney Goose Ridge rewarded customers with Two Fingers (gin) and the Old Wood Duck (vodka).  These now-well-established pre-eminent brands have deservedly obliterated the market share of many feeble competitors. Both products personify the relentless restless innovative drive embedded in our cultural DNA. Now, we aggressively initiate another triumphant brand extension foray into the finest luxury icon upper-echelon of malt whisky.

I, Hector Lannible, have long held a vision of producing a pinnacle whisky. It’s not just because of my distant forbears’ ancestral homeland; it’s also because I love the complex unadulterated gustatory organoleptic sensations of imbibing superlative whisky in temperate moderation. A welcome uptick to the Stoney Goose Ridge portfolio tsunami beckons as part of our nascent disruptive transformational adjacency agenda. Our singular ambition, alas, had to be deferred until anticipated astronomical arrangements arrived.

Stoney Goose Ridge is not another Jock come lately. We are in this business, long-term, to win accolades for ourselves. Market share, profits – and my eye-watering bonus – are inextricably inter-linked to customer satisfaction. When consumers purchase our marques, they triumph through taste, value and the envious admiration of onlookers.

Our launch efforts have barely been hampered by COVID. Unpaid interns were tasked with bringing my fervent, detailed creative strategies to fruition, propelled by my indispensable hyperactive mentorship. Signs are promising that conceivably one intern will distinguish themselves by potentially gaining eventual remunerated entry-level employment within the company. Time will tell.

Stoney Goose Ridge approached various vanguard Scottish Speyside and Highland whisky producers, with our specialised sourcing needs- an ultra-premium minimum 20-year-old whisky. Astute distillers welcomed this approach from the branding leviathan colossus of Stoney Goose Ridge. Cask samples were initially selected by the producers, then ruthlessly culled – by myself – in glittering sessions where I castigated the maltmasters (including their Lairds), and shamedly compelled them to provide superior examplars. They were entirely overawed and humbled by my expertise, and technically descriptive lyricism. Several companies were found disappointingly mediocre in the calibre of even their best offerings. Their cult reputation exceeds their quality and no parcels were selected.

Where we did make purchases, I am contractually obligated to conceal the names of the participating companies currently in production, but their identities are deservedly recognised amongst authentic cognoscenti.

Stoney Goose Ridge is justifiably notorious for its exhaustive diligence and archival exploration. We also hunted down extinct businesses – including those taken over or on-sold- to ascertain if ancient auld whisky spirit material had been bequeathed or squirrelled away to avoid the depredations of customs snoopers. This arduous mission required us to locate clannish families of retired or deceased employees, explore derelict properties and research property transfers, taxation records and so on ad infinitum. Where essential, facilitation disbursements were undertaken. In forensic archaeological fashion, we uncovered dusty barrels under staircases, in forgotten or abandoned storerooms, sheds, stables, crofts, outbuildings, pantries and other neglected areas.

To distil this thrilling narrative backstory, we incorporated material from defunct companies including Glenhaggis, Glenweebairn, Glensporran, Glenferrie, Glenshandy, Glenlochkirk, Glenmashie, GlenGreyfriars, Glenlassie, Glenbampot, Glenspurtle and Glendinnaken. We ensured that records met the exacting standards required for certified authentication evidentiary verificational substantiation audit compliance.

It was merely as matter of my formidably proficient extra-ordinary deal-making expertise. I’m renowned for leaving nothing on the table, not even the veneer (or Laminex) – the Svengali of mesmerisation. Truly win-win for Stoney Goose Ridge. When this negotiational process was over, the overall final optimised blend predictively proved sensationally stunning. In all, there are components from twenty companies, with every whisky element at least twenty years old. And my synergistic blending expertise ensured that the resultant master-blend was certainly, definitely, superior to any of its superb individual constituent portions.

The final result represents merely the tip of the iceberg, with magnitudes of hard labour hidden under the hood – or kilt?

Proudly, Stoney Goose Ridge generously releases Glen 20.

Truly, a worthy unrepeatable homage to Scots terroir, it’s bracingly fresh, strong, clean and distinctively aromatic. It really awakens memories with its air of “je ne sais quoi”. It comes complete with exceptionally lavish packaging, bristling with features including a stylish integrated resealable cascading dispensary apparatus.

Glen 20 typifies our corporate ingenuity, nimble agility plus exemplifies our systematic legal and contractual strangulation practices. The sticky footprint of Stoney Goose Ridge clientele will be literally magnetised by this limited-edition offer.

We are aware of another product loosely with a vaguely similar sounding nomenclature. There is no confusion. Our armada of legal para-practitioners are ecstatic to hurl down the gauntlet and exercise their limitless energy to inflict maximal embarrassment and financial penalties in myriad jurisdictions. Bring it on – we shall overcome!

With an Australian RRP of $666 for Glen 20, demand will certainly outstrip the minuscule limited supply available. Nevertheless, it’s been a worthwhile exercise in exhausting the stamina and creativity of my underlings. Add my canny negotiations, plus creative value-add talents exercised to craft the blend, the package, label, POS, and finesse the distribution, and voila, och aye hoots mon. A bonnie outcome! It’s another feather in the mighty cod-piece of Stoney Goose Ridge!

Glen 20 will be available exclusively for a limited time only from the finest worldwide beverage merchants from 1 July.

A crowdfunded, indent wine from Stoney Goose Ridge

CEO Hector Lannible introduces the whole concept of an indent wine that is crowdfunded.

“The Australian wine industry is going through hard times. The bushfires over summer destroyed several vineyards, and smoke taint ensured that some producers will not make wines in 2020. Of course, Stoney Goose Ridge is immune to these issues- our grape sourcing arrangements and visionary contracts ensure zero exposure to these misfortunes.

“However, coronavirus has now led to the closure of hotels, cafes and restaurants, with obvious job losses and directly reduced alcohol sales transactions. Many wine companies are offering free freight and discounts to generate some cash-flow.

“Even Stoney Goose Ridge has been affected by this pandemic. My extensive essential overseas goodwill travel commitments have been curtailed; the executive team has suffered a remuneration buzzcut, and a portion of my own well-deserved lavish bonus will be anonymously donated to charity. Selected staff have been redeployed to non-compensated external positions. Stoney Goose Ridge continues its industry assistance with comps, FOC and contra, plus wily exploitation of all assistance schemes.

“But Stoney Goose Ridge has a solid trajectory of growth across core product groups. As a trusted premium international brand with transparent supply chain visibility, we continue intensifying total transactional value despite the revenue headwinds others are experiencing. Our overarching liquidity architecture remains intact, with fundamental ubiquity across the vector.

“We sometimes feel sorry for our competitors – their ham-fisted efforts mirror lambs in the headlights unable to talk turkey.  I celebrate a stunning, and timely wine release. Once more, we leapfrog our opponents and snooker them into zugzwang, seizing the window of opportunity with open arms.

“Black wines are again fashionable. Once again Stoney Goose Ridge is at the bleeding edge vanguard with our futuristic foray into this exciting field. It wasn’t a kneejerk reaction to make this wine on the run.  I applied pressure to turn the heat up on my junior subordinate minions, and with my enduring inspirational stimulation, they crafted this iconic superstar.

“You may recall Spinal Tap’s famous black album – “none more black”. Or Prince’s black album? What a concept! Can you set a wine to heavy, with the volume turned up to eleven? Sure!

“We’ve joined the dots to put our best foot forward, so this wine is all natural, with no black arts involved.  We used deeply coloured and flavoured varieties- Zinfandel, Saperavi, Mataro, Durif and Tannat, picked when very ripe, pressed hard with some juice run off. With perfectly legal tannin additions, and matured in highly charred barrels, this is one hefty, solid inky black wine.

“The wine is of course very deeply dark-fruited, a black hole, blacker than the ace of spades, blacker than coal – you may get the idea. It’s dark – very dark. Well technically it’s a red wine but don’t let that fool you.

“It weighs in at a substantial – but balanced, 16% alcohol. It tastes confronting- this is a full-on wine with monumental tannins that demands high-octane food to attempt to tame it; something substantial. Power to the max. Pedal to the metal. Not for wimps. You have been warned. We’re focussed at the cutting edge of the slipstream here, putting the hammer down to jump through hoops.

“There were no problems with the nomenclature for this startling eponymous addition to the active brandline portfolio of Stoney Goose Ridge. I proudly debut The Black.

“A burly, bruising wine for heroes, it won’t suffer the ravages of time. Not for moderates, this wine is crafted for hardcore wild extremist thrillseekers living on the brink. Drink it now with the benefit of a day’s decant, or wait as many decades as possible before opening. Age shall not weary them. The challenge awaits. Who dares, wins.

“A serious, glass-staining, teeth-staining wine, with a truly bargain price for the delivery of the mega impactful volume of flavonoids.

“The RRP was intended to be released for a value-packed meagre $28, but what a bang-for-buck! We’ve done it again with “the Black”.

“But we’re not releasing this wine to the general public through our usual retail or on-premise outlets. Stoney Goose Ridge will market this wine exclusively, directly to customers in a stylish totally unique crowdfunding indent exercise for only $20 per bottle, a totally awesome saving.

“Pay now, and delivery occurs in one year’s time, on 1 April 2021*. This allows the wine to shed some of its youthful excess energy and gain even greater complex intricacies.

“A release party was planned with celebrity invitees including Sam Neill, Nicole Kidman, Kylie Minogue, Shane Warne, Scott Cam, Delta Goodrem, Adam Goodes and many others. While this festive event has been postponed, all purchasers of “the Black” are welcome to attend, when the gala gathering is rescheduled.

“Order now- our operatives at the Stoney Goose Ridge multi-award-winning website can accept your order- no FOMO, but get in quick – you’ll be so glad you did”

*Conditions apply- delivery will never occur. Purchasers agree that they are over 5 years old. Purchasers agree that if not completely satisfied they have no legal or moral rights.

Five years on – part two (the humour)

My blog has also been a channel for humour with Hector (and others) every few months. Hector is a composite character, (not based on political leaders, but with elements of Zapp Branigan and Russell Coight extant). He is inflicted with self-aggrandizement, contempt for competitors and their efforts, and replete with uber-fashionable marketing and business cult buzzwords in extremis. Assorted literary references, tautologies, alliteration, mixed metaphors and cliché add to the colour (perhaps). A blog entry around April 1 has been obligatory.

A roll-call of the fictional pieces is listed below if anyone wants a refresh.

March 2016 – a wine with a ridiculously long name
March 2016 – Australia’s most expensive wine – Ecstasy One®
May 2016 – Lawyer’s Picnic
August 2016- Hipster’s Reward®
October 2016 – Films about wines (fictional synopses)

Jan 2017- Hectors EOY motivational address to staff
Feb 2017 – Chamsecco®
April 2017 – Brosé
Jun 2017 – Emoh Ruo
Sept 2017 – Craft beers (One tasty blonde, Brett’s ale, Bullant Lager, Seasonal Smashable)
October 2017 -Two Fingers (Gin), the Old Wood Duck (Vodka)

April 2018 – Prof. Albert Pedant’s “facts behind wine labels” (Clonakilla, Hill of Grace, Para Port and Grange)
July 2018 – Hector Lannible’s TED speech “the China syndrome”
October 2018 – Terra Nullius
Dec 2018 Hector Lannible’s stimulating EOY statement to staff

March 2019 “the Unicorn”
July 2019 – Hector Lannible’s inspirational EOFY proclamation to staff
October 2019 Miraculus Maximus Technoplex
Dec 2019 Hector Lannible’s EOY rousing report to staff, and release of TCA

Further examples of Hector’s verbiage are in progress. They are alarmingly easy to compose, and some people have expressed appreciation,