Stoney Goose Ridge releases a very ancient whisky!

Merely eighteen months ago, Stoney Goose Ridge rewarded customers with Two Fingers (gin) and the Old Wood Duck (vodka).  These now-well-established pre-eminent brands have deservedly obliterated the market share of many feeble competitors. Both products personify the relentless restless innovative drive embedded in our cultural DNA. Now, we aggressively initiate another triumphant brand extension foray into the finest luxury icon upper-echelon of malt whisky.

I, Hector Lannible, have long held a vision of producing a pinnacle whisky. It’s not just because of my distant forbears’ ancestral homeland; it’s also because I love the complex unadulterated gustatory organoleptic sensations of imbibing superlative whisky in temperate moderation. A welcome uptick to the Stoney Goose Ridge portfolio tsunami beckons as part of our nascent disruptive transformational adjacency agenda. Our singular ambition, alas, had to be deferred until anticipated astronomical arrangements arrived.

Stoney Goose Ridge is not another Jock come lately. We are in this business, long-term, to win accolades for ourselves. Market share, profits – and my eye-watering bonus – are inextricably inter-linked to customer satisfaction. When consumers purchase our marques, they triumph through taste, value and the envious admiration of onlookers.

Our launch efforts have barely been hampered by COVID. Unpaid interns were tasked with bringing my fervent, detailed creative strategies to fruition, propelled by my indispensable hyperactive mentorship. Signs are promising that conceivably one intern will distinguish themselves by potentially gaining eventual remunerated entry-level employment within the company. Time will tell.

Stoney Goose Ridge approached various vanguard Scottish Speyside and Highland whisky producers, with our specialised sourcing needs- an ultra-premium minimum 20-year-old whisky. Astute distillers welcomed this approach from the branding leviathan colossus of Stoney Goose Ridge. Cask samples were initially selected by the producers, then ruthlessly culled – by myself – in glittering sessions where I castigated the maltmasters (including their Lairds), and shamedly compelled them to provide superior examplars. They were entirely overawed and humbled by my expertise, and technically descriptive lyricism. Several companies were found disappointingly mediocre in the calibre of even their best offerings. Their cult reputation exceeds their quality and no parcels were selected.

Where we did make purchases, I am contractually obligated to conceal the names of the participating companies currently in production, but their identities are deservedly recognised amongst authentic cognoscenti.

Stoney Goose Ridge is justifiably notorious for its exhaustive diligence and archival exploration. We also hunted down extinct businesses – including those taken over or on-sold- to ascertain if ancient auld whisky spirit material had been bequeathed or squirrelled away to avoid the depredations of customs snoopers. This arduous mission required us to locate clannish families of retired or deceased employees, explore derelict properties and research property transfers, taxation records and so on ad infinitum. Where essential, facilitation disbursements were undertaken. In forensic archaeological fashion, we uncovered dusty barrels under staircases, in forgotten or abandoned storerooms, sheds, stables, crofts, outbuildings, pantries and other neglected areas.

To distil this thrilling narrative backstory, we incorporated material from defunct companies including Glenhaggis, Glenweebairn, Glensporran, Glenferrie, Glenshandy, Glenlochkirk, Glenmashie, GlenGreyfriars, Glenlassie, Glenbampot, Glenspurtle and Glendinnaken. We ensured that records met the exacting standards required for certified authentication evidentiary verificational substantiation audit compliance.

It was merely as matter of my formidably proficient extra-ordinary deal-making expertise. I’m renowned for leaving nothing on the table, not even the veneer (or Laminex) – the Svengali of mesmerisation. Truly win-win for Stoney Goose Ridge. When this negotiational process was over, the overall final optimised blend predictively proved sensationally stunning. In all, there are components from twenty companies, with every whisky element at least twenty years old. And my synergistic blending expertise ensured that the resultant master-blend was certainly, definitely, superior to any of its superb individual constituent portions.

The final result represents merely the tip of the iceberg, with magnitudes of hard labour hidden under the hood – or kilt?

Proudly, Stoney Goose Ridge generously releases Glen 20.

Truly, a worthy unrepeatable homage to Scots terroir, it’s bracingly fresh, strong, clean and distinctively aromatic. It really awakens memories with its air of “je ne sais quoi”. It comes complete with exceptionally lavish packaging, bristling with features including a stylish integrated resealable cascading dispensary apparatus.

Glen 20 typifies our corporate ingenuity, nimble agility plus exemplifies our systematic legal and contractual strangulation practices. The sticky footprint of Stoney Goose Ridge clientele will be literally magnetised by this limited-edition offer.

We are aware of another product loosely with a vaguely similar sounding nomenclature. There is no confusion. Our armada of legal para-practitioners are ecstatic to hurl down the gauntlet and exercise their limitless energy to inflict maximal embarrassment and financial penalties in myriad jurisdictions. Bring it on – we shall overcome!

With an Australian RRP of $666 for Glen 20, demand will certainly outstrip the minuscule limited supply available. Nevertheless, it’s been a worthwhile exercise in exhausting the stamina and creativity of my underlings. Add my canny negotiations, plus creative value-add talents exercised to craft the blend, the package, label, POS, and finesse the distribution, and voila, och aye hoots mon. A bonnie outcome! It’s another feather in the mighty cod-piece of Stoney Goose Ridge!

Glen 20 will be available exclusively for a limited time only from the finest worldwide beverage merchants from 1 July.

A crowdfunded, indent wine from Stoney Goose Ridge

CEO Hector Lannible introduces the whole concept of an indent wine that is crowdfunded.

“The Australian wine industry is going through hard times. The bushfires over summer destroyed several vineyards, and smoke taint ensured that some producers will not make wines in 2020. Of course, Stoney Goose Ridge is immune to these issues- our grape sourcing arrangements and visionary contracts ensure zero exposure to these misfortunes.

“However, coronavirus has now led to the closure of hotels, cafes and restaurants, with obvious job losses and directly reduced alcohol sales transactions. Many wine companies are offering free freight and discounts to generate some cash-flow.

“Even Stoney Goose Ridge has been affected by this pandemic. My extensive essential overseas goodwill travel commitments have been curtailed; the executive team has suffered a remuneration buzzcut, and a portion of my own well-deserved lavish bonus will be anonymously donated to charity. Selected staff have been redeployed to non-compensated external positions. Stoney Goose Ridge continues its industry assistance with comps, FOC and contra, plus wily exploitation of all assistance schemes.

“But Stoney Goose Ridge has a solid trajectory of growth across core product groups. As a trusted premium international brand with transparent supply chain visibility, we continue intensifying total transactional value despite the revenue headwinds others are experiencing. Our overarching liquidity architecture remains intact, with fundamental ubiquity across the vector.

“We sometimes feel sorry for our competitors – their ham-fisted efforts mirror lambs in the headlights unable to talk turkey.  I celebrate a stunning, and timely wine release. Once more, we leapfrog our opponents and snooker them into zugzwang, seizing the window of opportunity with open arms.

“Black wines are again fashionable. Once again Stoney Goose Ridge is at the bleeding edge vanguard with our futuristic foray into this exciting field. It wasn’t a kneejerk reaction to make this wine on the run.  I applied pressure to turn the heat up on my junior subordinate minions, and with my enduring inspirational stimulation, they crafted this iconic superstar.

“You may recall Spinal Tap’s famous black album – “none more black”. Or Prince’s black album? What a concept! Can you set a wine to heavy, with the volume turned up to eleven? Sure!

“We’ve joined the dots to put our best foot forward, so this wine is all natural, with no black arts involved.  We used deeply coloured and flavoured varieties- Zinfandel, Saperavi, Mataro, Durif and Tannat, picked when very ripe, pressed hard with some juice run off. With perfectly legal tannin additions, and matured in highly charred barrels, this is one hefty, solid inky black wine.

“The wine is of course very deeply dark-fruited, a black hole, blacker than the ace of spades, blacker than coal – you may get the idea. It’s dark – very dark. Well technically it’s a red wine but don’t let that fool you.

“It weighs in at a substantial – but balanced, 16% alcohol. It tastes confronting- this is a full-on wine with monumental tannins that demands high-octane food to attempt to tame it; something substantial. Power to the max. Pedal to the metal. Not for wimps. You have been warned. We’re focussed at the cutting edge of the slipstream here, putting the hammer down to jump through hoops.

“There were no problems with the nomenclature for this startling eponymous addition to the active brandline portfolio of Stoney Goose Ridge. I proudly debut The Black.

“A burly, bruising wine for heroes, it won’t suffer the ravages of time. Not for moderates, this wine is crafted for hardcore wild extremist thrillseekers living on the brink. Drink it now with the benefit of a day’s decant, or wait as many decades as possible before opening. Age shall not weary them. The challenge awaits. Who dares, wins.

“A serious, glass-staining, teeth-staining wine, with a truly bargain price for the delivery of the mega impactful volume of flavonoids.

“The RRP was intended to be released for a value-packed meagre $28, but what a bang-for-buck! We’ve done it again with “the Black”.

“But we’re not releasing this wine to the general public through our usual retail or on-premise outlets. Stoney Goose Ridge will market this wine exclusively, directly to customers in a stylish totally unique crowdfunding indent exercise for only $20 per bottle, a totally awesome saving.

“Pay now, and delivery occurs in one year’s time, on 1 April 2021*. This allows the wine to shed some of its youthful excess energy and gain even greater complex intricacies.

“A release party was planned with celebrity invitees including Sam Neill, Nicole Kidman, Kylie Minogue, Shane Warne, Scott Cam, Delta Goodrem, Adam Goodes and many others. While this festive event has been postponed, all purchasers of “the Black” are welcome to attend, when the gala gathering is rescheduled.

“Order now- our operatives at the Stoney Goose Ridge multi-award-winning website can accept your order- no FOMO, but get in quick – you’ll be so glad you did”

*Conditions apply- delivery will never occur. Purchasers agree that they are over 5 years old. Purchasers agree that if not completely satisfied they have no legal or moral rights.

Five years on – part two (the humour)

My blog has also been a channel for humour with Hector (and others) every few months. Hector is a composite character, (not based on political leaders, but with elements of Zapp Branigan and Russell Coight extant). He is inflicted with self-aggrandizement, contempt for competitors and their efforts, and replete with uber-fashionable marketing and business cult buzzwords in extremis. Assorted literary references, tautologies, alliteration, mixed metaphors and cliché add to the colour (perhaps). A blog entry around April 1 has been obligatory.

A roll-call of the fictional pieces is listed below if anyone wants a refresh.

March 2016 – a wine with a ridiculously long name
March 2016 – Australia’s most expensive wine – Ecstasy One®
May 2016 – Lawyer’s Picnic
August 2016- Hipster’s Reward®
October 2016 – Films about wines (fictional synopses)

Jan 2017- Hectors EOY motivational address to staff
Feb 2017 – Chamsecco®
April 2017 – Brosé
Jun 2017 – Emoh Ruo
Sept 2017 – Craft beers (One tasty blonde, Brett’s ale, Bullant Lager, Seasonal Smashable)
October 2017 -Two Fingers (Gin), the Old Wood Duck (Vodka)

April 2018 – Prof. Albert Pedant’s “facts behind wine labels” (Clonakilla, Hill of Grace, Para Port and Grange)
July 2018 – Hector Lannible’s TED speech “the China syndrome”
October 2018 – Terra Nullius
Dec 2018 Hector Lannible’s stimulating EOY statement to staff

March 2019 “the Unicorn”
July 2019 – Hector Lannible’s inspirational EOFY proclamation to staff
October 2019 Miraculus Maximus Technoplex
Dec 2019 Hector Lannible’s EOY rousing report to staff, and release of TCA

Further examples of Hector’s verbiage are in progress. They are alarmingly easy to compose, and some people have expressed appreciation,

Hector Lannible’s 2019 EOY address to Stoney Goose Ridge staff

There are several wines with “three letter acronym” names (TLA). Some striking examples include MSG (mourvedre/shiraz/grenache) and more recently the blend of Grenache, Shiraz and Tempranillo), GST.

Stoney Goose Ridge adds to this memorable pantheon with TCA. It’s a fabulous blend of Touriga, Cabernet Sauvignon and Aglianico, matured in specially selected barrels. TCA – once tasted – never forgotten! Its striking, distinctive, idiosyncratic and unique, and just in time for the new year. Easy to pronounce, exotically perfumed, educational, and fantastically textured.

It takes true entrepreneurial innovative creative genius to dream. And my personal solitary conceptual genesis for TCA even surprised myself.

But Stoney Goose Ridge has no use for whimsy or the ambitions and egocentric tantrums from management promoting some devious individual agenda. Every proposition is rigorously assessed on agnostic evidence-based data-driven statistical science metrics. My treatise went through the extreme methodological algorithmic cognitive analysis of our intellectually supreme actuarial team and terabytes of sophisticated database interrogation appraisal. And naturally, like all my suggestions, it returned outstandingly potent positive correlational interactions. Profitability far outweighed any cannibalisation of any existent market, and its release has profound influential social media avalanche frenzy advantages. Several members of the wine-craft assembly unit expressed reservations with the proposed nomenclature, but were unable to convincingly articulate their contention, and their caution was resoundingly dismissed. Thus TCA came to fruition!

We exemplify the antithesis of our competitors’ typical scattergun Russian roulette, and untargeted aimless wild west antics, where they proceed through triggered stages of ready, shoot, then aim. These bottom-feeding parasites with their snouts in the trough of the gravy train are devoid of aptitude, integrity and immune to the imminent zeitgeist.  They seem content to brazenly plagiarise or denigrate the endeavours of Stoney Goose Ridge, shamelessly even defending the numerous legal actions we initiate when confronted by gross mischief, blatant wickedness and flagrant incompetence. Unfortunately, the punitive and extensive damages regularly awarded hardly compensate for their ludicrous obstructions or deter their past, present and future immoral and illegal recidivism.

Inevitably, happily, increasing legions of devoted customers fanatically advocate our products with rapturous adulation at ubiquitous price-points, and enlist their acquaintances to sample our artisanal wares. We bless their efforts to proselytise and appreciate our universal lifestyle offerings – in appropriate customer-centric recommended moderation.

There is so much more in progress – such as an inspirational cookbook with wine-matching, new ciders, lower-alcohol offerings as well as the usual groundbreakingly exciting limited-releases of pioneering haunting brands providing unsurpassed value, and rejuvenated vintages of old favourites, sometimes with revitalised pictorial illustrated representational imagery.

Meanwhile, we approach the festive season, and while results are embargoed, it’s no surprise that Stoney Goose Ridge has fulfilled all my bonus fulfilment hurdles within my remuneration compensation package contract, and I will luxuriate with my lucrative well-deserved windfall, part of which will naturally be donated to tax-worthy charitable institutions.

It’s certainly been a notable year; as well as the newest addition to our portfolio of TCA, we launched Miraculous Maximus Technoplex® (a complete contrast to our award-winning hands-off Hipsters’ Reward®), and of course the pioneering release of the Unicorn – the aspirational super-luxury wine – which deservedly sold out on April 1.

And of course, massively expanded sales across our core beverage brands (beers, spirits and wines) through multiple markets – both domestically and to increased overseas domiciles – required committed sourcing, QA and cross-channel distribution excellence. Confronting the challenges of market volatility, and the ludicrous hyped extravagance of competitor offerings is merely part of my tasks – I take the leading key role in all marketing, advertising and brand sustenance activity. Combined with our stringent regime of cost reduction, these factors make Stoney Goose Ridge the envy of countless business scribes and rivals desperate to learn sources of our sustained success.

Compliance to excessively burdensome proscriptive regulation, onerous taxation and legislation consumes significant management attention. Influencing decisionmakers and negotiations with stakeholders, plus the efforts of our legal ambassadors under my detailed instructions is critically noted. Stoney Goose Ridge is fortunate that my ongoing riveting charismatic persuasive accomplishments affect key recommendations that will surely trickle-down to ultimately provide a more relaxed and profitable commercial environment.

Extensive and entirely essential overseas travel with my core entourage would exhaust most; my duties of corporate entertainment, ongoing talent wrangling, mentorship, laser focus on business improvement and evolution are exemplary. Then include exploiting unexpected opportunities that surprisingly fell outside my detailed contingency preparations, and a short break is welcomed to devote further attention to strategic future trending envisionation.

EBITDA, ROI, CAPEX, OPEX, SEO, SEM, triple bottom-line website metrics, social influence landmark substantiation, media campaign accolades and soft targets have all attained superlative unparalleled results. Our Byzantine financial structures, manoeuvres and arbitrage are acknowledged as bleeding edge by manifold jurisdictions, benefiting the forward momentum of Stoney Goose Ridge, and its multiplier employment consequences.

Diversity within Stoney Goose Ridge has also increased, our winning culture illustrating gender multiplicity, including contracting personnel with multi-lingual competencies, and employment of select personnel lacking even basic post-graduate qualifications, and engagement of differential situational perspectives.

To all our staff, it’s hard to appreciate your efforts when so much of my multi-factorial vision remains unfulfilled, but I am especially conscious that few approach my awesome ability, capacity and drive. Hence my perceptive awareness somewhat alleviates ongoing disappointment at results that fall short. I encourage devotion of a greater portion of reimbursed emolument and commitment of extra voluntary unpaid time to emulate my stellar exceptionality.

Nonetheless, staff that have survived their most recent performance appraisal can be proud to remain within the Stoney Goose Ridge extended family. There is the prospective possibility of a future personal bonus if accompanied with a staggeringly monumental boost to effective productivity and achievement of every aggressive KPI stretch target assigned.

It’s no secret that I have been offered CEO roles at several transnational conglomerates with incredible sign-on fees, specie assignment and substantial profit-sharing incentives. Two factors restrain me; these companies are inflicted with multiple tangled layers of bureaucracy that would resist my inevitable Herculean Gordian-knot-cutting and unduly unsettle my serenity; secondly, succession planning at Stoney Goose Ridge is proving problematical – candidates in the frame seem unable to completely grasp my captivatingly sublime lucid intellectual luminescence.

The latest volume of my collected speeches is obviously on the must-read lists of CEOs, politicians, and aspirants; my TED talks not only have colossal hits but momentous cross-business citations. Industry forums have committed embraced support for our significant homegrown fundamental policy of holistic sustainable proactive premiumisation, and critical benchmark associated defined seamless infrastructure mitigation disintermediation distribution frameworks; this compelling landmark initiative will be finessed through future embodied progress iterations.

My 2020 vision is all-seeing, encompassing numerous vistas, and the willing, excited participation of all team-members can see Stoney Goose Ridge continue its thrilling whirlwind juggernaut blitzkreig.

Wishing all staff, whether direct, agents, contractors, consultants, members of associated entities or subsidiaries,  a festively merry silly season with family and loved ones; my expectation is that you return refreshed and ready to comply absolutely to management demands for sustained dedication  to the hyberbolic growth of Stoney Goose Ridge, its exceptional expanding suite of products and comprehensive respect for the calibre and guidance of its Olympian leadership.

Your fraternal paradigm in resolute solidarity, Hector Lannible

Stoney Goose Ridge – another wine release – the Maximus

There’s far too much overhyped flim-flam about natural wines; and their laid-back minimalist intervention philosophy. Of course, Stoney Goose Ridge was an early adopter with the phenomenal Hipsters Reward.

Briefly, the backstory was that I, Hannibal Lector, intervened to rescue an accidental hands-off wine, adding polish through nomenclature, packaging and allied branding prestidigitational transformational manoeuvres.  Hipsters Reward caused a monumental monster feeding frenzy in the marketplace, but with limited supply we had to put the brakes on to ensure equitable distribution amongst our long-term supporters in emergent market-domiciles. We profited immensely from this launch, provoking jealousy and consternation amongst our perennially feeble competitors, while we gained goodwill and now make an annual release of this brand byline behemoth. Legions of copycat efforts came a cropper.

But truly it’s now time perhaps overdue to reflect on the welcome effluxion of temporality and the relentless march of progress. In the world of wine, we’ve only utilised bottles in the last few hundred years, (cans too). It’s only been for a brief interval that electricity has been harnessed for industrial and domestic quality of life advancement purposes. With grapes we have better clones, rootstocks, have planted in more appropriate sites, with canopy enhancements, advanced chemicals, mechanised spraying, pruning and harvesting.  Together with improvements in winemaking processes generally, these have cumulatively culminated in compellingly improved vinous beverage refreshments. Yeasts have been refined in their efficiency productivity quotients; packaging and the sales journey have benefited from progress in science, finance, advertising and management.

And now for something completely different. A wine that celebrates and rewards innovative progressivity. Too much water has gone under the bridge to turn back the clock, jump the hurdles and nip it in the bud. It’s par for the course.

This wine represents the epitome, the quintessential embodied essence of technology – the Maximus – absolutely Vegan inimical. With an RRP of merely $15, it displays the rewards of progress at its most unleashed. No innovations ignored. Ahead of the narrative curve; cutting, leading and bleeding edge.

This wine was assembled from different parcels, all machine pruned and harvested (no organic or biodynamic grapes used) complete with MOG, using stainless steel tanks, roto-fermenters, air-bag presses and strict temperature control, inert gas cover, DAP, micro-ox, mixed cultured yeasts, enzymes, pumping over, added tannins, additions of citric and tartaric acid, varied fining agents, membrane and cross-flow filtration before bottling. Some parts pasteurized, and even some reverse osmosis. Plus sulphur. Under screwcap, so no need to fear cork artefacts. Even the bottle is light-mass thanks to production expertise. The four-piece label reflects ultra hi-tech engineering prowess. The entire kitbag of bells and whistles.

My role was critically essential. The wine crew had assembled a few sample blends, with each component separately available. It took me only 15 minutes to refine the proposed blend to a better-quality outcome result; and simultaneously reduce the volume of wine that needed to find another home; another win-win-wine for my growing throng of excited brand loyalists.  The platoon could only applaud and celebrate my achievement, and my direct report subordinates watched in rapture.

The wine team has explicit extensive technical qualifications, but needs my proven analytic sensory organoleptic flair to add the X, Y and Z factor that excites sommeliers, wine show judges, and all drinkers both novice and seasoned. And my vision and hands-on nano-management exertions to translate extraordinary wines into extraordinary sale profitability metrics.

Mentoring is just one of my numerous acknowledged talents. It is a truth universally acknowledged that there are two kinds of people; those that know Hector Lannible, and those that aspire to meet and consume his insights, wisdom and generosity.

Stoney Goose Ridge is thus absolutely fervently excited to launch Miraculous Maximus Technoplex®. The name says it all, reflecting its origins and lineage.  It’s already won awards for offset carbon footprint measurement refinement, and innovative marketing prizes are guaranteed. Its another wine in the expansive Stoney Goose Ridge masstige premiumisation portfolio.

At this point of temporality, the Maximus is exclusively available within Australia, as certain components are unbelievably prohibited in selected overseas markets, a consequence of brittle and cowardly obsequience in trade negotiations. It’s truly a loss to potential consumers, distributors and outlets. People should be outraged and mobilise to demand alterations to trade arrangements and associated arbitrarily restrictive punitive legislation. After all, the end-consumer deserves benefit from widespread availability of this and similar exemplars from Stoney Goose Ridge.

Due to selectively critical blockchain negligence, certain components had incomplete documentation meaning their additive compositions could not be fully audit certified for export. This situation will be rectified, enabling the inevitable future editions of this wine to grace overseas shelves, tables, cellars and most importantly partaken with elan by our growing hordes of eager core vertical customers.

In the meantime, Australian consumers are the winners with another gratifying astonishment from the restlessly creative Stoney Goose Ridge under its inspiring dynamic CEO Hector Lannible.

Miraculous Maximus Technoplex®; RRP $15.

EOFY review from Hector Lannible, CEO of Stoney Goose Ridge

Our bean-counters, auditors, accountants have been shedding the necessary blood, sweat, tears, midnight oil and intellectual stringency over the financial records from Stoney Goose Ridge and its allied associated entities throughout our essential domiciles including the Cayman islands, Belize, Cyprus and numerous other tax-effective locales.

We are inflicted with astonishing amounts of taxation imposed by the unthinking, incomprehensible Governments of numerous countries. Just within Australia, these imposts include GST, payroll tax, WET, superannuation, excise, council rates, and land taxes. Taxation at federal, state and local levels! Add unavoidable costs for electricity, gas, water, telecommunications, business travel, sponsorship and contra, assorted insurance levies and fees for membership of professional bodies, personal development seminars, court filing fees, customs and so on ad infinitum. That’s before expenses on salaries, wages and commissions, materials such as grapes, grain, storage, transport, chemicals, processing, packaging, equipment leasing, advertising, promotions, printing, social media- and much more. Then add our Byzantine complex web of financing facilities, depreciation, stock adjustments etc. In passing, I will merely mention the restrictive red-tape regulative legislative compliance burden of occupational health and safety requirements, ISO6000, endless ABS surveys, and the barbarous one-sided industrial relations system. Without my ongoing supreme negotiating talents for extracting concessions, discounts, subsidies and so forth,  and our truly innovative taxation minimisation intricacies, results would be grim.

All this distraction takes away from my innate ability to grow the business of Stoney Goose Ridge – new products, new markets – thereby improving Australia’s economy, the economic and gastronomic satisfaction of our population, as well as all those fortunate consumers of Stoney Goose Ridge’s exciting production portfolio who live beyond our shores. There is, alas, insufficient underappreciated reward and recognition of our monumental achievements.

Nevertheless, as expected, as forecast, as predicted, and inevitably destined inexorably – Stoney Goose Ridge has achieved stupendous record results in all defined category sub-class matrix measurables.

It’s part of my role to have key contact stakeholders on speed-dial; to speak at social and formal meetings with relevant personnel and personalities, lobbyists and maintain my profile and A-list access. My abilities are paramount to the Stoney Goose Ridge ongoing success saga. I am a proud advocate of the healthy benefits of alcohol -in moderation, and ultimately preferably exclusively from the exhaustive array of our products.  What an exciting and challenging business- I love it! As well as beer and spirit line categories, wine is in my DNA and my blood.

Expense minimisation has not been neglected. Thanks to our stringent compliance systems, processes and procedures, I can formally announce no lost-time incidents or compensation issues, again, in the past 12 months. Similarly there have been zero unplanned absences approved for compassionate or sick leave, and all study has been compensated with time-in-lieu. Overtime payment is absent, with voluntary unpaid overtime at record  strata. Advanced facial recognition surveillance, plus inclusive computer and mobile phone software programs have ensured maximum attention to work duties. The corporate culture is especially robust. Stock shrinkage is non-existent.

Looking forward, we have increased the top talent and skills of our lean, mean agile workforce; we have carefully utilised consultants, and outsourced where we require special skills. Our punitive and restrictive contracts ensure we get spectacular efforts- and achievements- from our partners or else. We have also focussed on a variety of “softer targets” including diversity, where our assorted workforces represent a range of language, nationalities, sexes, ages, educational backgrounds, and remuneration differentials.

At your imminent performance review sessions, it’s imperative for you to acknowledge the drive, energy, insights, and assistance  from your top management, and recognise your abysmal shortcomings in execution of their vision. These critical steps may enable partial achievement of nominal bonus remuneration quantum. No-one will be rated as “unsatisfactory” – this category has already departed, and are being pursued for exemplary damages as a matter of principle. To those rated “acceptable”, as you leave we wish you well in future endeavours – if any- and encourage you to comply with the rigorous conditions of your onerous employment contracts with Stoney Goose Ridge, else litigation will be swift and certain in its effects on your mental, physical and financial well-being.

On April 1 we launched the Unicorn, our astonishingly achingly affordably rare ultra-luxury wine release. It sold out within days with the latent demand. Its USP is self-evident, and another triumphant example of the translation of my vision into actuality. And there has been luminous growth in the sales of our wine, beer, and spirit brands, attained through actual, verified, audited sales and consumption. Not by channel-stuffing the distribution chain with mountains of product. And there are plenty of upcoming launches, re-branding, corporate re-organisations, omni-channel disintermediation and tremendous opportunities for all to contribute by enthusiastically working smarter, and harder.

Our brand recognition and social media presence is stratospherically ubiquitous. My TED talks have attracted myriad views and are referenced in numerous business articles, tomes and journals. And we are continuously active with new endeavours – Project Chernobyl will soon reach critical mass and bear fruit, Pegasus will launch and Project Android is beginning to efficiently impact headcount. Succession planning with Project Iron Throne continues.

Based on strategic whistle-blowing information received, I could justly denigrate our competitors – but there is no need; our virtue is obvious. I’m sure that the leadership of our so-called rivals is full of talent – it’s merely hidden, miniscule, incompetent, irrelevant and immaterial.

I am proud of my achievements, and of my underlings at all echelons. Everyone knows that my scrutiny and value-addition is incisive. My PA, PR, media crew, personal legals, stylists, interns, security, transport captains, gofers and wranglers all play a role in my success. As a evangelising creative curating ideator, my endless compelling innovations ensure the long-term success of Stoney Goose Ridge, increase my lock-in bonuses and escalated golden handcuffs linked to the company’s triumphs.

Whether at the BBQ, opera. beach, book launch, dinner party or corporate boxes, you set the example for Stoney Goose Ridge. Never miss the opportunity to promote its product or praise the talents of its executives; this is another measurable observable mission-critical KPI accountability.

Throughout the coming year, strive to emulate your executives, continually exercise your diligence and energy 24/7,  and Stoney Goose Ridge’s sustained success is inevitable.

Your inspirational mentor and role model, Hector.

April 1 release of the Unicorn

“Brainless, heartless, spineless, gutless, charmless and useless. But I don’t publicly use these descriptions of my competitors, especially when I have an astonishingly great breaking news announcement, said CEO Hector Lannible.

It’s rare but it’s not a myth. Well-heeled collectors often boast of their so-called “unicorn wines” – due to their cost, rarity or both. But under my dynamite stewardship at Stoney Goose Ridge, we continually break novel ground, transformationally disrupting the binary paradigm mindset, and today we launch the Unicorn into the firmament. It’s no myth – we have one. This is not a terminological inexactitude.

It’s the finest, most exclusive wine we make; a spectacularly curated selection of our top barrels, artisanised through our innovative proprietary technological wizardry.

It’s rarer than a (Northern Hemisphere) black swan, scarcer than hens’ teeth, and in shorter supply than rocking horse manure. The wine itself is obviously truly unique; a red wine from the noble Cabernet Sauvignon, with some Merlot and other varietals. It’s from a specifically unique terroir, a particular block we call Area 51, concealed from public view.

One of my numerous visionary ambitions for Stoney Goose Ridge was to create a compelling monument; several earlier attempts were declassified as not fulfilling my passionate quality aspirations, but this time I have drop-kicked the googly directly into the side-pocket to gammon the bout with a triple jackpot; at last now I proudly proclaim the impending debut of 2017 The Unicorn.

Crafted by our squadron of expert fashionistas, matured in superior oak, with all key decisions taken by myself, this wine will deservedly sell like wildfire, and even impress the legions of wine-writing toady freeloaders. Truly, I rolled the dice and came up trumps, smelling of roses. No shortcuts have been taken, no marketing expense spared, no stone left unadorned.

Although astonishingly supreme drinking already, the Unicorn will literally last for centuries if cellared under appropriate conditions, proving a long-lasting legacy for future generations.

Vegan-friendly, and fully biogeneric, the Unicorn is like finding a needle in a haystack under a blue moon on the twelfth of never at the end of the rainbow.

  • Each bottle is presented in a timber receptacle certified by sustainable forestry organisations.
  • Each individually-nomenclatured bottle is recyclable, and fully carbon offset neutral.
  • Each bottle includes a hoofprint of authenticity, with artwork inspired by the creature.
  • Each timber case contains a certificate (suitable for framing and display) commending the owner for their responsible purchase

Prepared under the indirect supervision of several RSPCA members, plus input from selected members of Zoos Australia, the World Wildlife fund, Amnesty International and Greenpeace, no animals were harmed in the manufactured assembly of this utterly glorious wine.

Some early reviews from some key columnists ….

“Yet another brazen barrage from the inexhaustible Stoney Goose Ridge; extraordinarily detailed, indeed lavish packaging, presentation and production. The wine is symptomatic of the producer’s style, and some may even be prepared to pay the piper.” (J ”Doc” Hallidae)

“Formidable box, bottle, certificate” (CM – Frontwine)

“Squarely aimed at a particular lucrative market niche, even down to the minuscule but accurate Chinese back label” (J. Olivier)

With an RRP of AU$140 (€88, £78, US$80), the Unicorn 2017 represents a valuable pathway entry to the stratospheric pantheon of upper echelon vinous beverages. This mega ultra-premium super-deluxe wine is affordable even to aspirational mass-market millennial gen X FMCG consumers, and is predestined as a lavish-appearing gifting reward. WYSIWYG. Alternatively, guests will be stunned by the magnanimous generosity of humanitarians prepared to sharingly broach the contents when it’s opened.

Truly, the Unicorn is a wine worthy of its origins, my own unrivalled, unparalleled creative genius and a worthy homage to immortal gravely endangered creatures. And it tastes just magnificent. All the usual rent-a-crowd misfit vinous scribblers will whole-heartedly fulsomely endorse its compelling virtues. Stoney Goose Ridge triumphs once more!

Importantly, for every bottle sold, with our culturally embedded philanthropic charitable ethic, Stoney Goose Ridge commits to donate $1 to the Unicorn Funding Organisation (UFO), for habitat rejuvenation. Additionally, our ensemble of tax magicians will ensure intangible magnification of counterbalanced downstream benefits.

Available from 1 April, and likely to sell out on the same day, do your duty to this blue planet, quickly rush to your nearest fine wine boutique for your piece of the Unicorn”.

Xmas message from Hector Lannible, CEO of Stoney Goose Ridge

“It’s easy to dwell on our triumphant successes of Stoney Goose Ridge in 2018; the record growth in sales, ebitda improvements, the dizzying diverse media adulations, new export markets, the multiple launches of new product such as “Terra Nullius”, assorted prestigious wine packaging, marketing campaign and labelling awards, and my own increasing profiled notoriety. Our prolific social media optimisation strategizing continues to befuddle our opposition, with their advocates ineffectively minuscule in influence, visibility and credibility. Our SEO and SEM are bleeding edge.

But I couldn’t have achieved these profound triumphs without my subordinate employees ready, willing and able to act on my numerous compelling insights, decisive actions and time-critical unflagging guidance. Truly, my hand-picked executives owe their bonuses (if any) to my expert micro-management. Yes there is a “me” in “team”, and obviously my own stratospheric performance has been deservedly magnificently remunerated.

The sterling efforts of our team of legal, accounting and related personnel to locate further loopholes to minimise the dead hand of taxation as well as locating extra grants, subsidies, facilitation opportunities, export support and so forth – which we have taken complete advantage over- is extraordinary. The number of legal manoeuvres conducted in fiscal calendar 2018 stands at formidable record levels.

Obviously, Stoney Goose Ridge offers an increasing fan-base of loyal committed customers who continue to reap the benefit of our ever-growing over-delivering suite of labels, and enjoy the fresh taste sensations of our product brandline extension proliferations. This will continue- our data  tracking harvesting and analytics is profound; finding and exploiting any niche opportunities as well as provoking repeat purchase decisions. Brilliant outstanding excellence in customer satisfaction parameters always remains a critically important KPI priority. Our beverage facilitators must take credit for their professional competencies, that allied to my blending expertise embeds the mystique to our SKUs.

To the countless people submitting CV’s begging for consideration as unpaid interns, note that an MBA or equivalent is highly desirable; stellar achievement in multidimensional start-up  disintermediation or transnational taxation law will also meet with some approval. Few will find a position available, so I wish you well in future endeavours.

We exist in a market full of competitors, but if the Good Lord had wished them to prevail, they would have been bequeathed talent. They can only watch, and wonder “what happened?” as Stoney Goose Ridge rushes past, dwarfing their misplaced puny misguided efforts. Stoney Goose Ridge has rigorously exposed and vigorously highlighted the personal scandals, fiduciary lapses and reckless law-breaking of our rivals solely from the compulsions of our ingrained philanthropic social responsibility obligations.

On a personal note, my TED piece this year on “the China Syndrome” has deservedly been an internet sensation. It’s gratifying to be compared with Warren Buffett, Nelson Mandela and Cormac McCarthy , though I freely admit I have some distance to surpass their respective achievements, and the exultation they deservedly receive.  Plus, several of my own verbatim dictated spare-time fictional writings have been optioned by a Hollywood studio- but details are embargoed until final A-list casting decisions have been confirmed for these serial blockbusters.

There is always WIP.  Succession planning is incomplete – even mentoring my hand-picked executive subordinates has not yet seen a clear front-running pecking order emerge from the wolf-pack domain. So watch this space as we discard the dead wood in our ranks, and parachute in fresh talent eager to action my plentiful charismatic initiatives.

I particularly thank my small, lean, agile team of executive assistants, media liaison, stylists, publicists, administration support, legal services and biographers for their loyalty, and unflagging commitment to help me fulfil my entitled destiny.

Next year, Stoney Goose Ridge  will continue to unveil innovative alcoholic  beverage concepts and aggressively pursue double-digit momentum at a raw minimum. My opportunity lens is unshaken, aggressively leveraging domestic and international prospects continuously to allow Stoney Goose Ridge to double-down and move the needle forcefully.

To all our direct and indirect employees, agents, free-lancers, contractors, consultants, joint venture outworkers and partners, I wish you and your families a festively merry season, and may you return refreshed and enabled to put your best feet forward to the grindstone, offering your complete subjugation to my compelling vision.

In 2019, onwards to repetitive victories, your worthy leader – Hector”.

 

Terra Nullius

“At Stoney Goose Ridge, we are entirely fanatical about cutting costs. Imagine my outrage to discover an enormous cache of wine stored in an extremely vast tank!

It turned out that the person notionally in charge was understandably enamoured of Stoney Goose Ridge’s incredible multiplicity of exceptional beverages, but was wholly unprofessional in his excessive imbibing. He absolutely neglected his contractual fiduciary obligations. This is the same “character” that was responsible – through neglect and disregard of voluminous worksafe practices- for our semi-orange wine Hipster’s Reward, where only my inherent genius salvaged the situation and once more created a new worldwide brand of renown.

The personage in charge of this uncovered vinous malpractice has necessarily been summarily dismissed and assorted subsequent legal manoeuvres mean an end to his career in wine, or indeed any occupation involving responsibility. We wanted to keelhaul him over hot coals like a sitting duck, but had to be satisfied knowing his earnings will be garnisheed for decades.

Due to this person’s cavalier disregard for our extraordinarily accurate audit trail, we have been unable to determine very much about this wine. Despite our meticulous forensic analytic endeavours, we were confounded with its origins. Truly it seemed we had bolted the stable door after the chickens had flown. But I rolled the dice, and came up trumps, smelling of roses. This can of worms really put the icing on the cake.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating, and with my inspired creativity, Stoney Goose Ridge launches Terra Nullius.

As CEO, I, Hector Lannible, don’t know the grape varieties involved; I cannot be certain of the vintage or vintages; even the areas where the grapes are from is a mystery. We do not know what treatments this wine experienced, or their timings. But we do know, thanks to my subsequent ninja blending cunning, that this is now a great wine. If we could reverse engineer this wine, we absolutely would, but alas there are apparently limits to my virtuoso intellect and hyper-distinguished sensory exceptionality.

I triumphantly debut Terra Nullius, respectfully showcasing this country’s heritage.

This red wine is a user-friendly 12.5%, with minimal tannins to diminish enjoyment. Indeed, we encourage people to drink responsibly by having at least one extra glass of this noble wine concoction. Any why not? Its berry flavours – derived from processed Australian grapes and transubstantiated into an exceptional alcoholic brew – will baffle the cognoscenti, and fulfil the neophyte.

Terra Nullius – the great unknown, and of course the topic of intergenerational legal debate of astonishing complexity.

Yet for an RRP of $16, this one-off piece of history is available at all respectable liquor vending establishments, sitting proudly alongside the mouth-watering array of our other wines, beers and spirits.

Stoney Goose Ridge provides yet another phenomenal wine in its unique heritage pantheon that illustrates, respects and challenges the mythology of our mystical homeland antiquity – Terra Nullius”.