Despite the difficulties of COVID, international logistics issues, and the dead hand of tariffs and taxation, Stoney Goose Ridge had another record-breaking year, nearly meeting most of my demanding stretch targets. The bean-counters have finished with their spreadsheets, and ritual accounting GL P&L minutiae. New markets, new products, and the constant task of meeting the insatiable demands of our hyper-loyal expanding customer base kept me at agile warp-speed velocity.
Certainly, Stoney Goose Ridge unerringly pinpoints the bullseye sweet-spot continuously.
We justly celebrated the acumen of commercial, business, and financial innovation with our release only a few months ago of “the Ponzi.” Options and futures on this item have now expired, and the limited release is no longer available for subscription. If you have any, lucky you!
As usual, the tranche of awards and prizes for our marketing campaigns, cutting edge design, outstanding leadership, and financial innovation stewardship, had a monumental uptick. My TED talks continue to be compulsive viewing.
Stoney Goose Ridge chooses not to participate in wine and spirit shows where “every child wins a prize,” nor entertain scribes with lavish junkets, nor flog our wares with fawning hyperbole. Unremitting fanatical praise from our consumers is our key reward. Further, my assessment of quality is far more rigorous than so-called qualified judges and their closed-shop cohort of cronies.
Sales, EBITDA, NPS, ESG, ROA, NAV, social media, and new product launches were satisfactory from my standpoint, with lapses caused solely by personnel blinking at critical moments, thereby failing to fulfil my objectives. My incessant hyperactive management means those underlings now seek alternative opportunities since they abandoned the wholesome family of Stoney Goose Ridge. My frenetic trading in alternative crypto- currencies and NFTs was also naturally lavishly lucrative.
Our legal domain has a record number of cases underway, with progress slowed by Court, Tribunal, and rulings inertia – allegedly due to COVID constraints. This means 2022 anticipates a deluge of favourable decisions, with appropriately punitive exemplary costs and windfall damages. And we have buckets of new litigation planned.
Our success has been orchestrated by my peerless magnetic personality and persuasiveness, partially blunted by the lack of face-to-face meetings, with Zoom and Teams a dull substitute. But this allowed me more time to work on strategy, and to email relentless concrete action demands to the workforce, insisting on “Citius, Altius, Fortius,” reinforced with blistering texts and phone calls.
Stoney Goose Ridge has not succumbed to the fad of “celebrity booze.” Typically, actors, so-called musicians, and internet poseurs may licence their names as a brand, sometime even having some trivial tangential role in the production, or labelling. Few people can withstand scrutiny of their past crimes, escapades and attitudes, racism, sexism, domestic violence, irrational texts, tweets, images, private videos and so on. Our rare social media ambassadors and influencers ran the gauntlet of a 106-question checklist to reach the starting gate. Stoney Goose Ridge will not produce any of the salacious records of aspirants that were rejected – except under court orders – unless in the public interest.
I provided a monster list of potential brandnames to our analysts, and these capable data-nitpicking elves trawled through historic records to find potential grape sources. Our winemakers provide samples for my assessment and sublime blending conclusions. These outstanding efforts are bottled under our DRC label (Decisive Real Champions) and so far, we have released the stellar blue-chip Chateau Margot, Chateau Shovel Blanc, Chateau Angela’s, Chateau Lapin, Clos de Bees, Hill of Graci, Stone’s Terraces, and one (so far) wine from Henry Jaya- (Clos Parasol).
DRC wines are produced at the premium price-point they deserve, restricted to our very special clients, on application and allocation. Our discretion to these VVIP tycoons is assured, whether their expertise lies in one-to-many pharma, logistics to freedom fighters, taxation nano-minimisation, wagering, facilitating, and brokering local distribution, running monopolies, Governments, finance innovation, or loosely, entertaining the huddled masses.
These DRC wines are the true showcase expression of their micro-terroir and pay exceptional homage to their historical antecedents – awash with innovative artwork styled by HAL – Hector Achilles Lannible, (myself) and replete with microchip, QR and other blockchain security protections. These extraordinary wines have already made rare appearances on the secondary market with stratospheric interest, and prices. The winemakers who source these amazingly meritorious batches are rightly celebrated with my personal recognition, a deserved micro-bonus, and several bottles of their produce. Naturally, this reward comes with a binding agreement for themselves, their heirs, and successors in perpetuity not to sell, trade, exchange ….and so forth, to avoid damage to the brandage and the market.
But while adding to the lustre of Stoney Goose Ridge as a renowned global luxury icon brand, the DRC range is an infinitesimal volume of our torrential innovative array of wines, beers, spirits, ciders, spritzers and so on, which are our lifeblood bread-and-butter staples. A glittering range of transubstantiated beverage creations is scheduled for 2022, which will fundamentally disrupt the apple-cart of our rivals. I promise tantrums, blood, sweat and tears for them.
Stoney Goose Ridge has the terrific ongoing blessing of self-immolation from our competitors. Their vision, capability and execution are risible; apart from panic, their three speeds are slow, very slow and stop; their intellects modest at best – a career pivot to ballast or crash test dummies overdue. Addicted to the perpendicular pronoun, OTT FOMO and unable to STFU, their faces are made for podcasts; their manners for the zoo, their irrational, incomprehensible utterances and scribbles suitable only for collection in anthologies of business ineptitude. With supine Boards, shareholder apathy, and their snouts in the trough of the gravy train, long may their reign continue!
There are tens of thousands who read my daily zeitgeist; I have been described as “very remarkable, someone of rare perspicacity, with extraordinary talents and incomparable nobility of character…with qualities especially famed, namely self-sacrifice, devoted friendship, nobility of purpose, perceptiveness, ingenuity and courage.” I humbly agree with that impartial assessment, although certain attributes have been overlooked, doubtless through lack of space.
My festive break will once again consist of ruthless triage of the acreage and pixelage of submissions from candidates seeking internships, and multi-media CVs for the rare vacant positions that I did not directly catapult elite talent into.
I will also turn the screws on the deluge of plaintive proposals from rivals who – surprise surprise – found themselves with meagre or non-existent cashflow, excess inventory, equipment, staff, land, leases, and other generic afflictions. Many companies are still trying to unload their smoke-tainted wine onto ignorant losers. Ha! Stoney Goose Ridge is always alert to take maximum advantage of opportunities when we smell blood in the air, and we decisively snapped up evidence-backed assets at subterranean bargain-basement rates.
Meanwhile, staff – except those on essential duties during the festive break – can concentrate on self-reflection and preparation for their looming performance review, focussing on how they can improve, with fulsome admission of their shortcomings. Pledged commitments are always required. I am pleased to note that nearly a handful of staff achieved a bonus this year. This is a rare honour, and a tribute to their heroic endeavours under my oppressive supervisionary oversight, wisdom and profound stimulation.
Again, several staff were promoted – in title or remuneration – testament to their ability to absorb some portion of my on-the fly-masterclasses in negotiation, creativity, strategic planning directionality, project plan dimensioning, financial and taxation circumlocution, as well as tactical organoleptic analysis. All are aware of my renowned open-door policy, and readiness to provide 30-second consultations – sometimes more!- and incisive guidance.
Families are a wonderful diversion from the ceaseless demands of commerce; I’m certain that among our FTEs, contractors, consultants and agents, there have been romances, heartbreaks, personal development, and triumphs, possibly even new workplace opportunities. My own family welcomes my holiday presence, lamenting that there will be essential protracted international business travel in the next twelve months. At least we can now plan a sensible holiday – perhaps Cannes, shows on Broadway or the West End, or ski-Ing in Switzerland – feasibly all of these, plus short local breaks at Thredbo, Uluru, Rottnest, and Cradle Mountain
My slim, lean, dream-team of PA’s, media, archivist, biographer, stylists etc loosely met their base KPIs of “turn up, keep up and shut up.” They are continually thrilled and amazed, absorbing my hands-off mentoring. Direct reports and staff during our 360-degree processes mentioned my inspirational catalytic galvanisation capabilities, anticipating the starter’s gun with a monkey-wrench, thereby short-circuiting our oppositions’ intentions.
Finally, management consultants recommended that my Stoney Goose Ridge CEO duties should be more formally defined and delegated to a Global Sales and Marketing Director, Head of Beverages, CFO Finance, Legal Director, and Head HR (Human Remains). These will be my new direct reports and the search is underway. Staff in related positions must prepare for the inevitable ruthless and gruelling rounds of interviews, scenarios, and presentations. In the meantime, we accepted the benchmarked recommendation that my base remuneration be tripled and backdated with a commensurate increase in my potential bonus. My key-man insurance and “golden handcuffs” have also been significantly upgraded.
Gather with your family, and any friends to raise a glass of enticing mildly intoxicating Stoney Goose Ridge – in drinkwise moderation – to celebrate this year’s glorious achievements under my exemplary leadership.
Buckle in for the tightrope ride in 2022, a whirlwind roller-coaster awaits!
In solidarity, your legendary, generous CEO, Hector.