There are several wines with “three letter acronym” names (TLA). Some striking examples include MSG (mourvedre/shiraz/grenache) and more recently the blend of Grenache, Shiraz and Tempranillo), GST.

Stoney Goose Ridge adds to this memorable pantheon with TCA. It’s a fabulous blend of Touriga, Cabernet Sauvignon and Aglianico, matured in specially selected barrels. TCA – once tasted – never forgotten! Its striking, distinctive, idiosyncratic and unique, and just in time for the new year. Easy to pronounce, exotically perfumed, educational, and fantastically textured.

It takes true entrepreneurial innovative creative genius to dream. And my personal solitary conceptual genesis for TCA even surprised myself.

But Stoney Goose Ridge has no use for whimsy or the ambitions and egocentric tantrums from management promoting some devious individual agenda. Every proposition is rigorously assessed on agnostic evidence-based data-driven statistical science metrics. My treatise went through the extreme methodological algorithmic cognitive analysis of our intellectually supreme actuarial team and terabytes of sophisticated database interrogation appraisal. And naturally, like all my suggestions, it returned outstandingly potent positive correlational interactions. Profitability far outweighed any cannibalisation of any existent market, and its release has profound influential social media avalanche frenzy advantages. Several members of the wine-craft assembly unit expressed reservations with the proposed nomenclature, but were unable to convincingly articulate their contention, and their caution was resoundingly dismissed. Thus TCA came to fruition!

We exemplify the antithesis of our competitors’ typical scattergun Russian roulette, and untargeted aimless wild west antics, where they proceed through triggered stages of ready, shoot, then aim. These bottom-feeding parasites with their snouts in the trough of the gravy train are devoid of aptitude, integrity and immune to the imminent zeitgeist.  They seem content to brazenly plagiarise or denigrate the endeavours of Stoney Goose Ridge, shamelessly even defending the numerous legal actions we initiate when confronted by gross mischief, blatant wickedness and flagrant incompetence. Unfortunately, the punitive and extensive damages regularly awarded hardly compensate for their ludicrous obstructions or deter their past, present and future immoral and illegal recidivism.

Inevitably, happily, increasing legions of devoted customers fanatically advocate our products with rapturous adulation at ubiquitous price-points, and enlist their acquaintances to sample our artisanal wares. We bless their efforts to proselytise and appreciate our universal lifestyle offerings – in appropriate customer-centric recommended moderation.

There is so much more in progress – such as an inspirational cookbook with wine-matching, new ciders, lower-alcohol offerings as well as the usual groundbreakingly exciting limited-releases of pioneering haunting brands providing unsurpassed value, and rejuvenated vintages of old favourites, sometimes with revitalised pictorial illustrated representational imagery.

Meanwhile, we approach the festive season, and while results are embargoed, it’s no surprise that Stoney Goose Ridge has fulfilled all my bonus fulfilment hurdles within my remuneration compensation package contract, and I will luxuriate with my lucrative well-deserved windfall, part of which will naturally be donated to tax-worthy charitable institutions.

It’s certainly been a notable year; as well as the newest addition to our portfolio of TCA, we launched Miraculous Maximus Technoplex® (a complete contrast to our award-winning hands-off Hipsters’ Reward®), and of course the pioneering release of the Unicorn – the aspirational super-luxury wine – which deservedly sold out on April 1.

And of course, massively expanded sales across our core beverage brands (beers, spirits and wines) through multiple markets – both domestically and to increased overseas domiciles – required committed sourcing, QA and cross-channel distribution excellence. Confronting the challenges of market volatility, and the ludicrous hyped extravagance of competitor offerings is merely part of my tasks – I take the leading key role in all marketing, advertising and brand sustenance activity. Combined with our stringent regime of cost reduction, these factors make Stoney Goose Ridge the envy of countless business scribes and rivals desperate to learn sources of our sustained success.

Compliance to excessively burdensome proscriptive regulation, onerous taxation and legislation consumes significant management attention. Influencing decisionmakers and negotiations with stakeholders, plus the efforts of our legal ambassadors under my detailed instructions is critically noted. Stoney Goose Ridge is fortunate that my ongoing riveting charismatic persuasive accomplishments affect key recommendations that will surely trickle-down to ultimately provide a more relaxed and profitable commercial environment.

Extensive and entirely essential overseas travel with my core entourage would exhaust most; my duties of corporate entertainment, ongoing talent wrangling, mentorship, laser focus on business improvement and evolution are exemplary. Then include exploiting unexpected opportunities that surprisingly fell outside my detailed contingency preparations, and a short break is welcomed to devote further attention to strategic future trending envisionation.

EBITDA, ROI, CAPEX, OPEX, SEO, SEM, triple bottom-line website metrics, social influence landmark substantiation, media campaign accolades and soft targets have all attained superlative unparalleled results. Our Byzantine financial structures, manoeuvres and arbitrage are acknowledged as bleeding edge by manifold jurisdictions, benefiting the forward momentum of Stoney Goose Ridge, and its multiplier employment consequences.

Diversity within Stoney Goose Ridge has also increased, our winning culture illustrating gender multiplicity, including contracting personnel with multi-lingual competencies, and employment of select personnel lacking even basic post-graduate qualifications, and engagement of differential situational perspectives.

To all our staff, it’s hard to appreciate your efforts when so much of my multi-factorial vision remains unfulfilled, but I am especially conscious that few approach my awesome ability, capacity and drive. Hence my perceptive awareness somewhat alleviates ongoing disappointment at results that fall short. I encourage devotion of a greater portion of reimbursed emolument and commitment of extra voluntary unpaid time to emulate my stellar exceptionality.

Nonetheless, staff that have survived their most recent performance appraisal can be proud to remain within the Stoney Goose Ridge extended family. There is the prospective possibility of a future personal bonus if accompanied with a staggeringly monumental boost to effective productivity and achievement of every aggressive KPI stretch target assigned.

It’s no secret that I have been offered CEO roles at several transnational conglomerates with incredible sign-on fees, specie assignment and substantial profit-sharing incentives. Two factors restrain me; these companies are inflicted with multiple tangled layers of bureaucracy that would resist my inevitable Herculean Gordian-knot-cutting and unduly unsettle my serenity; secondly, succession planning at Stoney Goose Ridge is proving problematical – candidates in the frame seem unable to completely grasp my captivatingly sublime lucid intellectual luminescence.

The latest volume of my collected speeches is obviously on the must-read lists of CEOs, politicians, and aspirants; my TED talks not only have colossal hits but momentous cross-business citations. Industry forums have committed embraced support for our significant homegrown fundamental policy of holistic sustainable proactive premiumisation, and critical benchmark associated defined seamless infrastructure mitigation disintermediation distribution frameworks; this compelling landmark initiative will be finessed through future embodied progress iterations.

My 2020 vision is all-seeing, encompassing numerous vistas, and the willing, excited participation of all team-members can see Stoney Goose Ridge continue its thrilling whirlwind juggernaut blitzkreig.

Wishing all staff, whether direct, agents, contractors, consultants, members of associated entities or subsidiaries,  a festively merry silly season with family and loved ones; my expectation is that you return refreshed and ready to comply absolutely to management demands for sustained dedication  to the hyberbolic growth of Stoney Goose Ridge, its exceptional expanding suite of products and comprehensive respect for the calibre and guidance of its Olympian leadership.

Your fraternal paradigm in resolute solidarity, Hector Lannible

Our bean-counters, auditors, accountants have been shedding the necessary blood, sweat, tears, midnight oil and intellectual stringency over the financial records from Stoney Goose Ridge and its allied associated entities throughout our essential domiciles including the Cayman islands, Belize, Cyprus and numerous other tax-effective locales.

We are inflicted with astonishing amounts of taxation imposed by the unthinking, incomprehensible Governments of numerous countries. Just within Australia, these imposts include GST, payroll tax, WET, superannuation, excise, council rates, and land taxes. Taxation at federal, state and local levels! Add unavoidable costs for electricity, gas, water, telecommunications, business travel, sponsorship and contra, assorted insurance levies and fees for membership of professional bodies, personal development seminars, court filing fees, customs and so on ad infinitum. That’s before expenses on salaries, wages and commissions, materials such as grapes, grain, storage, transport, chemicals, processing, packaging, equipment leasing, advertising, promotions, printing, social media- and much more. Then add our Byzantine complex web of financing facilities, depreciation, stock adjustments etc. In passing, I will merely mention the restrictive red-tape regulative legislative compliance burden of occupational health and safety requirements, ISO6000, endless ABS surveys, and the barbarous one-sided industrial relations system. Without my ongoing supreme negotiating talents for extracting concessions, discounts, subsidies and so forth,  and our truly innovative taxation minimisation intricacies, results would be grim.

All this distraction takes away from my innate ability to grow the business of Stoney Goose Ridge – new products, new markets – thereby improving Australia’s economy, the economic and gastronomic satisfaction of our population, as well as all those fortunate consumers of Stoney Goose Ridge’s exciting production portfolio who live beyond our shores. There is, alas, insufficient underappreciated reward and recognition of our monumental achievements.

Nevertheless, as expected, as forecast, as predicted, and inevitably destined inexorably – Stoney Goose Ridge has achieved stupendous record results in all defined category sub-class matrix measurables.

It’s part of my role to have key contact stakeholders on speed-dial; to speak at social and formal meetings with relevant personnel and personalities, lobbyists and maintain my profile and A-list access. My abilities are paramount to the Stoney Goose Ridge ongoing success saga. I am a proud advocate of the healthy benefits of alcohol -in moderation, and ultimately preferably exclusively from the exhaustive array of our products.  What an exciting and challenging business- I love it! As well as beer and spirit line categories, wine is in my DNA and my blood.

Expense minimisation has not been neglected. Thanks to our stringent compliance systems, processes and procedures, I can formally announce no lost-time incidents or compensation issues, again, in the past 12 months. Similarly there have been zero unplanned absences approved for compassionate or sick leave, and all study has been compensated with time-in-lieu. Overtime payment is absent, with voluntary unpaid overtime at record  strata. Advanced facial recognition surveillance, plus inclusive computer and mobile phone software programs have ensured maximum attention to work duties. The corporate culture is especially robust. Stock shrinkage is non-existent.

Looking forward, we have increased the top talent and skills of our lean, mean agile workforce; we have carefully utilised consultants, and outsourced where we require special skills. Our punitive and restrictive contracts ensure we get spectacular efforts- and achievements- from our partners or else. We have also focussed on a variety of “softer targets” including diversity, where our assorted workforces represent a range of language, nationalities, sexes, ages, educational backgrounds, and remuneration differentials.

At your imminent performance review sessions, it’s imperative for you to acknowledge the drive, energy, insights, and assistance  from your top management, and recognise your abysmal shortcomings in execution of their vision. These critical steps may enable partial achievement of nominal bonus remuneration quantum. No-one will be rated as “unsatisfactory” – this category has already departed, and are being pursued for exemplary damages as a matter of principle. To those rated “acceptable”, as you leave we wish you well in future endeavours – if any- and encourage you to comply with the rigorous conditions of your onerous employment contracts with Stoney Goose Ridge, else litigation will be swift and certain in its effects on your mental, physical and financial well-being.

On April 1 we launched the Unicorn, our astonishingly achingly affordably rare ultra-luxury wine release. It sold out within days with the latent demand. Its USP is self-evident, and another triumphant example of the translation of my vision into actuality. And there has been luminous growth in the sales of our wine, beer, and spirit brands, attained through actual, verified, audited sales and consumption. Not by channel-stuffing the distribution chain with mountains of product. And there are plenty of upcoming launches, re-branding, corporate re-organisations, omni-channel disintermediation and tremendous opportunities for all to contribute by enthusiastically working smarter, and harder.

Our brand recognition and social media presence is stratospherically ubiquitous. My TED talks have attracted myriad views and are referenced in numerous business articles, tomes and journals. And we are continuously active with new endeavours – Project Chernobyl will soon reach critical mass and bear fruit, Pegasus will launch and Project Android is beginning to efficiently impact headcount. Succession planning with Project Iron Throne continues.

Based on strategic whistle-blowing information received, I could justly denigrate our competitors – but there is no need; our virtue is obvious. I’m sure that the leadership of our so-called rivals is full of talent – it’s merely hidden, miniscule, incompetent, irrelevant and immaterial.

I am proud of my achievements, and of my underlings at all echelons. Everyone knows that my scrutiny and value-addition is incisive. My PA, PR, media crew, personal legals, stylists, interns, security, transport captains, gofers and wranglers all play a role in my success. As a evangelising creative curating ideator, my endless compelling innovations ensure the long-term success of Stoney Goose Ridge, increase my lock-in bonuses and escalated golden handcuffs linked to the company’s triumphs.

Whether at the BBQ, opera. beach, book launch, dinner party or corporate boxes, you set the example for Stoney Goose Ridge. Never miss the opportunity to promote its product or praise the talents of its executives; this is another measurable observable mission-critical KPI accountability.

Throughout the coming year, strive to emulate your executives, continually exercise your diligence and energy 24/7,  and Stoney Goose Ridge’s sustained success is inevitable.

Your inspirational mentor and role model, Hector.

“It’s easy to dwell on our triumphant successes of Stoney Goose Ridge in 2018; the record growth in sales, ebitda improvements, the dizzying diverse media adulations, new export markets, the multiple launches of new product such as “Terra Nullius”, assorted prestigious wine packaging, marketing campaign and labelling awards, and my own increasing profiled notoriety. Our prolific social media optimisation strategizing continues to befuddle our opposition, with their advocates ineffectively minuscule in influence, visibility and credibility. Our SEO and SEM are bleeding edge.

But I couldn’t have achieved these profound triumphs without my subordinate employees ready, willing and able to act on my numerous compelling insights, decisive actions and time-critical unflagging guidance. Truly, my hand-picked executives owe their bonuses (if any) to my expert micro-management. Yes there is a “me” in “team”, and obviously my own stratospheric performance has been deservedly magnificently remunerated.

The sterling efforts of our team of legal, accounting and related personnel to locate further loopholes to minimise the dead hand of taxation as well as locating extra grants, subsidies, facilitation opportunities, export support and so forth – which we have taken complete advantage over- is extraordinary. The number of legal manoeuvres conducted in fiscal calendar 2018 stands at formidable record levels.

Obviously, Stoney Goose Ridge offers an increasing fan-base of loyal committed customers who continue to reap the benefit of our ever-growing over-delivering suite of labels, and enjoy the fresh taste sensations of our product brandline extension proliferations. This will continue- our data  tracking harvesting and analytics is profound; finding and exploiting any niche opportunities as well as provoking repeat purchase decisions. Brilliant outstanding excellence in customer satisfaction parameters always remains a critically important KPI priority. Our beverage facilitators must take credit for their professional competencies, that allied to my blending expertise embeds the mystique to our SKUs.

To the countless people submitting CV’s begging for consideration as unpaid interns, note that an MBA or equivalent is highly desirable; stellar achievement in multidimensional start-up  disintermediation or transnational taxation law will also meet with some approval. Few will find a position available, so I wish you well in future endeavours.

We exist in a market full of competitors, but if the Good Lord had wished them to prevail, they would have been bequeathed talent. They can only watch, and wonder “what happened?” as Stoney Goose Ridge rushes past, dwarfing their misplaced puny misguided efforts. Stoney Goose Ridge has rigorously exposed and vigorously highlighted the personal scandals, fiduciary lapses and reckless law-breaking of our rivals solely from the compulsions of our ingrained philanthropic social responsibility obligations.

On a personal note, my TED piece this year on “the China Syndrome” has deservedly been an internet sensation. It’s gratifying to be compared with Warren Buffett, Nelson Mandela and Cormac McCarthy , though I freely admit I have some distance to surpass their respective achievements, and the exultation they deservedly receive.  Plus, several of my own verbatim dictated spare-time fictional writings have been optioned by a Hollywood studio- but details are embargoed until final A-list casting decisions have been confirmed for these serial blockbusters.

There is always WIP.  Succession planning is incomplete – even mentoring my hand-picked executive subordinates has not yet seen a clear front-running pecking order emerge from the wolf-pack domain. So watch this space as we discard the dead wood in our ranks, and parachute in fresh talent eager to action my plentiful charismatic initiatives.

I particularly thank my small, lean, agile team of executive assistants, media liaison, stylists, publicists, administration support, legal services and biographers for their loyalty, and unflagging commitment to help me fulfil my entitled destiny.

Next year, Stoney Goose Ridge  will continue to unveil innovative alcoholic  beverage concepts and aggressively pursue double-digit momentum at a raw minimum. My opportunity lens is unshaken, aggressively leveraging domestic and international prospects continuously to allow Stoney Goose Ridge to double-down and move the needle forcefully.

To all our direct and indirect employees, agents, free-lancers, contractors, consultants, joint venture outworkers and partners, I wish you and your families a festively merry season, and may you return refreshed and enabled to put your best feet forward to the grindstone, offering your complete subjugation to my compelling vision.

In 2019, onwards to repetitive victories, your worthy leader – Hector”.