EOFY review from Hector Lannible, CEO of Stoney Goose Ridge

Our bean-counters, auditors, accountants have been shedding the necessary blood, sweat, tears, midnight oil and intellectual stringency over the financial records from Stoney Goose Ridge and its allied associated entities throughout our essential domiciles including the Cayman islands, Belize, Cyprus and numerous other tax-effective locales.

We are inflicted with astonishing amounts of taxation imposed by the unthinking, incomprehensible Governments of numerous countries. Just within Australia, these imposts include GST, payroll tax, WET, superannuation, excise, council rates, and land taxes. Taxation at federal, state and local levels! Add unavoidable costs for electricity, gas, water, telecommunications, business travel, sponsorship and contra, assorted insurance levies and fees for membership of professional bodies, personal development seminars, court filing fees, customs and so on ad infinitum. That’s before expenses on salaries, wages and commissions, materials such as grapes, grain, storage, transport, chemicals, processing, packaging, equipment leasing, advertising, promotions, printing, social media- and much more. Then add our Byzantine complex web of financing facilities, depreciation, stock adjustments etc. In passing, I will merely mention the restrictive red-tape regulative legislative compliance burden of occupational health and safety requirements, ISO6000, endless ABS surveys, and the barbarous one-sided industrial relations system. Without my ongoing supreme negotiating talents for extracting concessions, discounts, subsidies and so forth,  and our truly innovative taxation minimisation intricacies, results would be grim.

All this distraction takes away from my innate ability to grow the business of Stoney Goose Ridge – new products, new markets – thereby improving Australia’s economy, the economic and gastronomic satisfaction of our population, as well as all those fortunate consumers of Stoney Goose Ridge’s exciting production portfolio who live beyond our shores. There is, alas, insufficient underappreciated reward and recognition of our monumental achievements.

Nevertheless, as expected, as forecast, as predicted, and inevitably destined inexorably – Stoney Goose Ridge has achieved stupendous record results in all defined category sub-class matrix measurables.

It’s part of my role to have key contact stakeholders on speed-dial; to speak at social and formal meetings with relevant personnel and personalities, lobbyists and maintain my profile and A-list access. My abilities are paramount to the Stoney Goose Ridge ongoing success saga. I am a proud advocate of the healthy benefits of alcohol -in moderation, and ultimately preferably exclusively from the exhaustive array of our products.  What an exciting and challenging business- I love it! As well as beer and spirit line categories, wine is in my DNA and my blood.

Expense minimisation has not been neglected. Thanks to our stringent compliance systems, processes and procedures, I can formally announce no lost-time incidents or compensation issues, again, in the past 12 months. Similarly there have been zero unplanned absences approved for compassionate or sick leave, and all study has been compensated with time-in-lieu. Overtime payment is absent, with voluntary unpaid overtime at record  strata. Advanced facial recognition surveillance, plus inclusive computer and mobile phone software programs have ensured maximum attention to work duties. The corporate culture is especially robust. Stock shrinkage is non-existent.

Looking forward, we have increased the top talent and skills of our lean, mean agile workforce; we have carefully utilised consultants, and outsourced where we require special skills. Our punitive and restrictive contracts ensure we get spectacular efforts- and achievements- from our partners or else. We have also focussed on a variety of “softer targets” including diversity, where our assorted workforces represent a range of language, nationalities, sexes, ages, educational backgrounds, and remuneration differentials.

At your imminent performance review sessions, it’s imperative for you to acknowledge the drive, energy, insights, and assistance  from your top management, and recognise your abysmal shortcomings in execution of their vision. These critical steps may enable partial achievement of nominal bonus remuneration quantum. No-one will be rated as “unsatisfactory” – this category has already departed, and are being pursued for exemplary damages as a matter of principle. To those rated “acceptable”, as you leave we wish you well in future endeavours – if any- and encourage you to comply with the rigorous conditions of your onerous employment contracts with Stoney Goose Ridge, else litigation will be swift and certain in its effects on your mental, physical and financial well-being.

On April 1 we launched the Unicorn, our astonishingly achingly affordably rare ultra-luxury wine release. It sold out within days with the latent demand. Its USP is self-evident, and another triumphant example of the translation of my vision into actuality. And there has been luminous growth in the sales of our wine, beer, and spirit brands, attained through actual, verified, audited sales and consumption. Not by channel-stuffing the distribution chain with mountains of product. And there are plenty of upcoming launches, re-branding, corporate re-organisations, omni-channel disintermediation and tremendous opportunities for all to contribute by enthusiastically working smarter, and harder.

Our brand recognition and social media presence is stratospherically ubiquitous. My TED talks have attracted myriad views and are referenced in numerous business articles, tomes and journals. And we are continuously active with new endeavours – Project Chernobyl will soon reach critical mass and bear fruit, Pegasus will launch and Project Android is beginning to efficiently impact headcount. Succession planning with Project Iron Throne continues.

Based on strategic whistle-blowing information received, I could justly denigrate our competitors – but there is no need; our virtue is obvious. I’m sure that the leadership of our so-called rivals is full of talent – it’s merely hidden, miniscule, incompetent, irrelevant and immaterial.

I am proud of my achievements, and of my underlings at all echelons. Everyone knows that my scrutiny and value-addition is incisive. My PA, PR, media crew, personal legals, stylists, interns, security, transport captains, gofers and wranglers all play a role in my success. As a evangelising creative curating ideator, my endless compelling innovations ensure the long-term success of Stoney Goose Ridge, increase my lock-in bonuses and escalated golden handcuffs linked to the company’s triumphs.

Whether at the BBQ, opera. beach, book launch, dinner party or corporate boxes, you set the example for Stoney Goose Ridge. Never miss the opportunity to promote its product or praise the talents of its executives; this is another measurable observable mission-critical KPI accountability.

Throughout the coming year, strive to emulate your executives, continually exercise your diligence and energy 24/7,  and Stoney Goose Ridge’s sustained success is inevitable.

Your inspirational mentor and role model, Hector.

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