Hector Lannible’s 2019 EOY address to Stoney Goose Ridge staff

There are several wines with “three letter acronym” names (TLA). Some striking examples include MSG (mourvedre/shiraz/grenache) and more recently the blend of Grenache, Shiraz and Tempranillo), GST.

Stoney Goose Ridge adds to this memorable pantheon with TCA. It’s a fabulous blend of Touriga, Cabernet Sauvignon and Aglianico, matured in specially selected barrels. TCA – once tasted – never forgotten! Its striking, distinctive, idiosyncratic and unique, and just in time for the new year. Easy to pronounce, exotically perfumed, educational, and fantastically textured.

It takes true entrepreneurial innovative creative genius to dream. And my personal solitary conceptual genesis for TCA even surprised myself.

But Stoney Goose Ridge has no use for whimsy or the ambitions and egocentric tantrums from management promoting some devious individual agenda. Every proposition is rigorously assessed on agnostic evidence-based data-driven statistical science metrics. My treatise went through the extreme methodological algorithmic cognitive analysis of our intellectually supreme actuarial team and terabytes of sophisticated database interrogation appraisal. And naturally, like all my suggestions, it returned outstandingly potent positive correlational interactions. Profitability far outweighed any cannibalisation of any existent market, and its release has profound influential social media avalanche frenzy advantages. Several members of the wine-craft assembly unit expressed reservations with the proposed nomenclature, but were unable to convincingly articulate their contention, and their caution was resoundingly dismissed. Thus TCA came to fruition!

We exemplify the antithesis of our competitors’ typical scattergun Russian roulette, and untargeted aimless wild west antics, where they proceed through triggered stages of ready, shoot, then aim. These bottom-feeding parasites with their snouts in the trough of the gravy train are devoid of aptitude, integrity and immune to the imminent zeitgeist.  They seem content to brazenly plagiarise or denigrate the endeavours of Stoney Goose Ridge, shamelessly even defending the numerous legal actions we initiate when confronted by gross mischief, blatant wickedness and flagrant incompetence. Unfortunately, the punitive and extensive damages regularly awarded hardly compensate for their ludicrous obstructions or deter their past, present and future immoral and illegal recidivism.

Inevitably, happily, increasing legions of devoted customers fanatically advocate our products with rapturous adulation at ubiquitous price-points, and enlist their acquaintances to sample our artisanal wares. We bless their efforts to proselytise and appreciate our universal lifestyle offerings – in appropriate customer-centric recommended moderation.

There is so much more in progress – such as an inspirational cookbook with wine-matching, new ciders, lower-alcohol offerings as well as the usual groundbreakingly exciting limited-releases of pioneering haunting brands providing unsurpassed value, and rejuvenated vintages of old favourites, sometimes with revitalised pictorial illustrated representational imagery.

Meanwhile, we approach the festive season, and while results are embargoed, it’s no surprise that Stoney Goose Ridge has fulfilled all my bonus fulfilment hurdles within my remuneration compensation package contract, and I will luxuriate with my lucrative well-deserved windfall, part of which will naturally be donated to tax-worthy charitable institutions.

It’s certainly been a notable year; as well as the newest addition to our portfolio of TCA, we launched Miraculous Maximus Technoplex® (a complete contrast to our award-winning hands-off Hipsters’ Reward®), and of course the pioneering release of the Unicorn – the aspirational super-luxury wine – which deservedly sold out on April 1.

And of course, massively expanded sales across our core beverage brands (beers, spirits and wines) through multiple markets – both domestically and to increased overseas domiciles – required committed sourcing, QA and cross-channel distribution excellence. Confronting the challenges of market volatility, and the ludicrous hyped extravagance of competitor offerings is merely part of my tasks – I take the leading key role in all marketing, advertising and brand sustenance activity. Combined with our stringent regime of cost reduction, these factors make Stoney Goose Ridge the envy of countless business scribes and rivals desperate to learn sources of our sustained success.

Compliance to excessively burdensome proscriptive regulation, onerous taxation and legislation consumes significant management attention. Influencing decisionmakers and negotiations with stakeholders, plus the efforts of our legal ambassadors under my detailed instructions is critically noted. Stoney Goose Ridge is fortunate that my ongoing riveting charismatic persuasive accomplishments affect key recommendations that will surely trickle-down to ultimately provide a more relaxed and profitable commercial environment.

Extensive and entirely essential overseas travel with my core entourage would exhaust most; my duties of corporate entertainment, ongoing talent wrangling, mentorship, laser focus on business improvement and evolution are exemplary. Then include exploiting unexpected opportunities that surprisingly fell outside my detailed contingency preparations, and a short break is welcomed to devote further attention to strategic future trending envisionation.

EBITDA, ROI, CAPEX, OPEX, SEO, SEM, triple bottom-line website metrics, social influence landmark substantiation, media campaign accolades and soft targets have all attained superlative unparalleled results. Our Byzantine financial structures, manoeuvres and arbitrage are acknowledged as bleeding edge by manifold jurisdictions, benefiting the forward momentum of Stoney Goose Ridge, and its multiplier employment consequences.

Diversity within Stoney Goose Ridge has also increased, our winning culture illustrating gender multiplicity, including contracting personnel with multi-lingual competencies, and employment of select personnel lacking even basic post-graduate qualifications, and engagement of differential situational perspectives.

To all our staff, it’s hard to appreciate your efforts when so much of my multi-factorial vision remains unfulfilled, but I am especially conscious that few approach my awesome ability, capacity and drive. Hence my perceptive awareness somewhat alleviates ongoing disappointment at results that fall short. I encourage devotion of a greater portion of reimbursed emolument and commitment of extra voluntary unpaid time to emulate my stellar exceptionality.

Nonetheless, staff that have survived their most recent performance appraisal can be proud to remain within the Stoney Goose Ridge extended family. There is the prospective possibility of a future personal bonus if accompanied with a staggeringly monumental boost to effective productivity and achievement of every aggressive KPI stretch target assigned.

It’s no secret that I have been offered CEO roles at several transnational conglomerates with incredible sign-on fees, specie assignment and substantial profit-sharing incentives. Two factors restrain me; these companies are inflicted with multiple tangled layers of bureaucracy that would resist my inevitable Herculean Gordian-knot-cutting and unduly unsettle my serenity; secondly, succession planning at Stoney Goose Ridge is proving problematical – candidates in the frame seem unable to completely grasp my captivatingly sublime lucid intellectual luminescence.

The latest volume of my collected speeches is obviously on the must-read lists of CEOs, politicians, and aspirants; my TED talks not only have colossal hits but momentous cross-business citations. Industry forums have committed embraced support for our significant homegrown fundamental policy of holistic sustainable proactive premiumisation, and critical benchmark associated defined seamless infrastructure mitigation disintermediation distribution frameworks; this compelling landmark initiative will be finessed through future embodied progress iterations.

My 2020 vision is all-seeing, encompassing numerous vistas, and the willing, excited participation of all team-members can see Stoney Goose Ridge continue its thrilling whirlwind juggernaut blitzkreig.

Wishing all staff, whether direct, agents, contractors, consultants, members of associated entities or subsidiaries,  a festively merry silly season with family and loved ones; my expectation is that you return refreshed and ready to comply absolutely to management demands for sustained dedication  to the hyberbolic growth of Stoney Goose Ridge, its exceptional expanding suite of products and comprehensive respect for the calibre and guidance of its Olympian leadership.

Your fraternal paradigm in resolute solidarity, Hector Lannible

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